Mission To Say "I Love You" More

As a single, childless woman, I don’t hear the words “I Love You” very often. Barely at all, not to brag. It’s not that I’m un-loved. I know I am. I have friends and family that send me gift cards every holiday. Sometimes people on Facebook hit the heart button instead of thumbs up. There’s a general hint of love in my life, but it’s rarely vocalized.

I started to wonder if other people haven’t heard it in a while either. I have no idea if married people say it on the regular. Maybe it’s just assumed so they stop staying it. Or maybe they all hate each other. I don’t know. I don’t install the web cams.

Either way, after this past year I bet everyone could use hearing it more. Why not throw it around, like “Thank You” or “You’re Welcome?”

So I decided to start the initiative. That’s right. If you want something done, do it yourself. I’m on a mission to say “I LOVE YOU” more. Should be trending any day now. (Insert smirk emoji face here.)

I was nervous at first. I considered cutting around the edges of this delicate phrase. I could just say:

“Luv ya!”

Or

“I love your guts!”

But that’s not the point. I’ve always been a “beat-around-the-bush” kind of girl, both conversationally and physically. It’s time to speed up, and get to the point. I’m here to spread full blown “I LOVE YOU’s.” Disarm the terror of either hearing or not hearing it. I started by Googling “i love you,” just to make sure it wasn’t fake news. But when you don’t capitalize the “i” the first thing that pops up is a Billie Eilish song. I guess that’s the rule- you can sing it, just don’t say it. (BREAKING: The Internet is not the place to search for love.) I listened to Billie’s full album, followed by Paul Simon’s “Something So Right,” then continued with my mission.

I started by saying it to my single girl friends. It actually seemed to go over quite well. There’s no good way to “hang up” from texting anyway, so simply writing, “I’m going to sleep. I love you!” worked amazing. Feel free to use an emoji to tag the sentence, but don’t replace the word "love" with an emoji heart of any colour. Be bold. Use the word “LOVE” as it was intended. (Tbh, my old self gravitated towards the green heart.)

Like clockwork, the response was overwhelming:

“I LOVE YOU!”

Felt pretty good. So I stepped it up a notch, and started ending phone conversations with “I love you.” That’s right. Phone calls made a big comeback in 2020, mostly because nobody showered enough for FaceTime. And guess what? The same thing happened! It was even better because I could hear the tenderness in their voice:

“Ahhhh…. I love you too!”

My plan was working. “I love you” was going viral. (Five people.)

It was time to spread my message even further, but level three would be tricky. I couldn’t just declare “I love you” to my male platonic friends who are with other women. That would create a Jackie Collins book or Jerry Springer Show reboot. But my married female friends weren’t a problem at all. They LOVED it! Not sure why. Maybe they were just bored of hearing it from the same person everyday, and this seemed less controversial than a full blown affair.

In a shocking turn of events, I found it easiest to say it to total strangers. I started with the FedEx delivery guy. I saw him on the street… respecting social distancing… wearing a mask… AND it was Christmas Eve. I could tell he was working hard, so I spontaneously shouted,

“HEY, MAN! I LOVE YOU!"

I specifically worded it that way, otherwise it might sound like I was just promoting the 2009 classic film I Love You, Man, starring Jason Segel and Paul Rudd. He looked confused at first, but then interpreted it as a compliment. He smiled and thanked me.

That was the first time I didn’t get an, “I love you” back though. That hurt. Will spread my love to the UPS guy next time.

I don’t mean to creep people out with my mission. I get it. We’re practically conditioned to only hear “I Love You” in bed, after having sex for the tenth time. (I think. Sorry if my math is off.) But why is love branded as something exclusive when it’s infinite?

I’ve somehow grown up in a world where there’s a lot of pressure in saying or hearing the words “I Love You.” Even in a romantic comedy the protagonist never hears it until the end. Do I have to be in a coffin before I soak up those words? (I’m not a relationship girl. Don’t judge me.) I’d like for a movie to START with “I love you,” and then they figure out if the sentiment holds up for the duration of the film. Innocent until proven guilty.

I was just fantasizing what it would be like to say it face to face with a soulmate, or even just a hottie, when my friend that never stops talking called. Shocked I picked up, she asked,

“What are you still doing up?”

Me:

“What are you doing calling me at 3am?”

We’re even.

She babbled for 54 minutes. I tried to get a word in edgewise, but couldn’t. She’s too swift. Too bad. If only she knew that at the end of all my phone calls, I now drop a huge L bomb. She could have been restored, had she stopped talking sooner.

Instead, I brushed my teeth, washed my face and crawled into bed, all with her on speaker phone. I even plopped my eye mask across my forehead right before Mr. Sandman was ready to take over. I finally interrupted.

“I’m so sorry, but I have to go to sleep. It’s late my time zone.”

“Oh, right. Sorry. Night night. Luv ya.”

LUV YA?!

LUV YA?!!!!!

Typical west coast. Shove it up your heart, California.

Seems like I’ve got a ways to go with my mission.