Moves Like Merlot

This is the last online date I’m going on for the rest of my life. FOR REAL. Sure I’ve said that 87 times, but this time I mean it. If this doesn't work out I’ll just frequent the dog park and pick up other people’s poop. That’ll probably have a better success rate.

My date de jour actually picked a nice restaurant. I don’t expect that these days. A park or coffee shop at best. The world is out of money. I understand.

I go over my first date checklist in my head:

-Don’t ask him what he does for a living. It’s about who he is, not what he does.

-Don’t judge him if he doesn’t like spicy food. Every body has different bowels.

-Do judge him if he drinks Stella. It’s Belgian Bud.

When I walk in the door of the restaurant, the hostess greets me.

“Hi, there! How are you tonight?”

“Good, thanks. How are you?”

“A little busy, but I like it that way. Do you have a reservation?”

“I think my date made one, but I’d rather just wait here until he arrives.”

Those scenes in movies where someone sits alone at a table clearly getting stood up still haunt me to this day. Can’t risk it.

He shows up two seconds after I sit down.

“Daphne?”

“Hi!”

“Hey, I’m Adam.”

He goes to shake my hand, but then asks,

“Can I hug you?”

“Totally!”

(That’s my way of saying he’s hot.)

He checks in with the hostess who immediately recognizes him.

“Adam! How are you?!”

“Good to see ya, Renee! Things are going pretty good. No complaints. How are you?”

He’s clearly a regular. Impressive. I won’t mention the only place I’m a regular is Papa John’s.

We walk through the restaurant to a cozy booth in the back corner. Not gonna lie. I love a booth.

I pick up the drink menu, but rather than eyeing the left side, I zone in on the right side- the PRICES. I always want to be prepared to split the cheque. I’m a modern women. (Who still feels like she has to put out if a guy pays.) Though I do have a slick move of ordering an appetizer as my entree to keep the bill down.

I don’t wanna order the cheapest wine on the menu, so I go with the second cheapest. (I have all the moves.) This isn’t exactly the sort of establishment that sells Sutter Home (aka airplane wine) so I’m sure it’s going to taste deluxe.

The server comes over before we can even strike up a conversation.

“Hey, Adam! Long time, no see!”

“Mike, how are? Good to be back.”

“Tequila?”

“You know it.”

Mike turns to me.

“And for you?”

“I’ll have a glass of merlot. And super size it, please.”

Oh god why did I try making a joke?! Why do my nerves work like that?

They both laugh. Not sure why. These guys are too polite. The server bolts to get our vices. Adam lays back on the booth bench and folds his right leg over top of his left, very relaxed.

“So, Daphne… what’s you favorite color… city… pizza topping… tell me more about yourself…”

“Well, color… yellow… city… Florence, Italy- but not cuz Sandra Bullock was obsessed with it in While You Were Sleeping- I swear, and pizza topping… is this a trap? Cuz I DO like pineapple on pizza. I know that’s political but if I’m building my own pie, I’m going pepperoni, jalapeño and pineapple. Don’t judge me.”

Adam raises his eyebrows and smiles. The service is too good here. The server is already back. He drops our drinks in front of us with pride.

“Tequila for the rock star and wine for the lady…”

He plops a whole bottle of wine in front of me. I look up at him, confused.

“You said “super size it.”

Adam and Mike laugh. Crap. There goes rent. But hey, I've always assumed it's cheaper to buy the whole bottle versus multiple glasses. I'll assume this is accidentally economical. Adam leans in.

“It’s okay. Tequila doesn’t really pair with dinner anyway.”

He winks. Wow, when was the last time a guy winked at me? I feel like I’m on a date with Tom Cruise. His phone rings. He looks at the incoming call and says,

“I gotta take this. Sorry. I’ll be right back.”

“No problem.”

As he walks away from the table, I can’t help but think he actually does look familiar… He kinda seems like a rock star, which is weird cuz the server called him one as a joke….

Or what if it wasn’t a joke?

OH… MY… GOD…

AM I ON A DATE WITH A FAMOUS PERSON?

I'm racking my brain trying to figure out who he looks like...

It's definitely somebody....

OMG!

IT'S THAT GUY FROM MAROON 5!

(I think.)

He also reminds me of Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites.

I quickly open my phone and Google Maroon 5 lead singer. His name is ADAM! And it looks JUST like him! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!

I quickly text my friend Jen.

I think I’m on a date with Adam Levine. Is that possible? Would celebrities use normal people dating apps?

The bubbles immediately start popping up. I brace myself for her response.

YOU MEAN THE GUY FROM THE VOICE?!! OMG!

I swiftly write back.

I don’t watch The Voice. But “Moves Like Jagger!!!!”

Bubbles come back up.

You don’t watch The Voice?

I don’t watch reality TV! How many times do I have to tell you SCRIPTED ONLY! SUPPORT WRITERS! This isn’t the time for this conversation!

I see Adam coming back to the table and quickly put away my phone. I take another gulp of my merlot. As he sits down I immediately say,

“I don’t know what box this wine came from, but it’s amazing.”

(I consider this better material than my last bit.)

Adam grabs his glass and takes a gulp.

“How Merlot can you go?”

Oh you MUST be a celebrity to have the confidence for a joke that bad. It's DEF the Maroon 5 guy!

All of a sudden a song I love comes on.

Makes Me Wonder…

Oh wait! This is a Maroon 5 song! The establishment would play this song in honour of him being in the building, right? I should sing along to a few lines to subtly let him know I know half the words.

“Give me something to believe in… I wonder if I even makes a difference to cry…”

They lyric actually might be try and not cry but too late now. I don't host karaoke. How am I supposed to know?

Also I’m a really bad singer. Why am I doing this? Must I tank every first date?

Mike comes back to the table.

“So do you know what you want to order?”

As I look up at him, I can’t help but notice HE looks like Adam Levine too. I didn’t notice that when I walked in though…

What is happening?

I’m starting to sweat…

It’s getting harder and harder to breathe…

I... am... in... misery…

NO more online dates!

This is a wake up call.

I look around the restaurant and can’t help but notice…

EVERYBODY in the place looks like Adam Levine!

This can’t be right. What is happening? This merlot is good, but I’m not drunk.

However, I did take a wee pill for my social anxiety. I didn’t really digest the fine print though. I never do. Who does? I quickly grab the bottle and read the backside.

SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:

Nausea, diarrhea, light headedness, acne, bacne, extreme leg hair growth, Arachnophilia, itchy armpits, butt zits, carrot-colored pee, female mustaches, ingrown toe hairs, urge to pierce genitals, extreme nostalgia for movies from the 90’s & wiggly teeth. Also, hallucinations may occur causing everyone to look like Adam Levine.

Damnit! I knew it was too good to be true.