Metal Mama 35

I myself have never fit into any spaces that I choose to frequent. Ya see, I am a middle-aged black woman and I absolutely adore and love metal and indie music. I'm 35 to be exact- born on Halloween '85. Some of the best moments of my life were attending live shows and concerts where I’d often be the only black or brown face in the crowd. As you can imagine that could be pretty nerve-wracking and too boot I’m just 4’11. A tiny brown ball of energy and joy is how I choose to see myself at these shows. I thrash about and bang my head harder than anyone. I start and end mosh pit circles. I’ve seen startled looks on people’s faces but also faces of delight as they see I am truly and deeply enjoying myself—for me and no one else.

I’m sure some wonder how I came to be so comfortable or if I’m faking it or pretending to enjoy myself for attention. And to them I say shut the fuck up and stop making assumptions—but also I love you and this comfortability came with years of practice, my dear.

For a long time, I didn’t realize there was a difference between myself and my white classmates. I attended a catholic school in Cincinnati, OH from kindergarten to my sophomore of high school. I and my younger sister were often the only brown people in the entire building. I can remember around the second grade I was attempting to play Ninja Turtles with my little friends on the playground. I recall wanting to be April O’Neil. Undoubtedly, in my little mind, she was a super cool journalist that got to hang out with turtles. A little boy named David, who I considered my best friend at the time said to me, “Andrea, there is no way you can be April. She is white and you are black….Chelsea can be April.” My confusion gave way to heartbreak as I dropped my head and walked away. Going home and having to ask my mom why wouldn’t they let me play—I know that must’ve been a hard conversation for her. I cringe thinking about it now but can’t remember exactly what was said. So lots of little instances like that occurred in my early childhood where I learned to be ashamed of what made me different. Don’t say finna-say you’re about to—they will make fun of you. Thoughts like this dominated my brain for a long time. It was a lot of work to live and think this way. Always mindful of how I was being perceived and so very young. I feel bad for that poor kid—it was me but my heart goes out to her, ya know?

For a little while I tried to blend in and be like everyone else—all the little girls got boy band CDs for Christmas one year- so I figured I wanted them too. They actually ended up sitting unopened for weeks. I can remember pretending to have listened to them while all the kids chatted about their favorite tracks. But one day I discovered the band Deftones and my heart soared and opened up. The music sounded like waves of the ocean and I could feel the wave crashing into me—that’s the best way I can describe how metal and intense music sounded and felt to me. I got addicted to that feeling. The rush of it became what I craved and not the approval of others. I saved up all my money and bought their album 'Around the Fur'—suddenly boy bands and pretending to fit in didn’t matter to me in the slightest. So yet again I am not fitting in—but this time it is liberating! I am different! I like stuff you guys have never even heard of!! Ultimately, I felt protected and uplifted by the knowledge that if I truly did what felt good for me I could always end up this happy and content with myself and the world around me-no matter what was happening or what was being said about me.

So this openness and willingness to follow my heart and what mattered to me just has always paid off. And I sit here today a very self-actualized happy little human. I frequent shows, tattoo parlors, art galleries, all kinds of strange and beautiful places that I had only dreamt of when I was a little girl all the time- No big deal. I belong here, I think to myself. They need my energy in these spaces. I walk around and bring diversity wherever I go and I take much pride in this. I let white and black people ask me about my tattoos and piercings—and many of them are curious about the music I listen to. I am always happy to share. I’ve had random people ask to take pictures with me, just an avid music lover, and not the band playing. Always perplexing to me but what I think might be happening is they feel like there is something about me but can’t quite put their finger on it snd they want to capture it. I’ve thought some on this and I think what they are sensing or wanting to photograph is my oneness with everything—I am that little outcasted girl and I am also this welcomed beautiful middle-aged woman living her truth!

I now have a son who is 6 years old—he is biracial and beautiful in his duality. His father was a drummer for a grindcore band I loved long before I knew his dad even existed. You see, my beautiful child would not even have been created and born if it wasn’t for this deep love I have for metal and hardcore music. So now I have this little gift of a human running around-and he loves electronica. I let him bounce around and make beats all he wants. Because I know if he follows what makes him happy and feels good to him he will always be okay—always aligned and following his path.

So my advice to anyone that hears that proverbial different drumbeat in their mind— follow that beat and walk to it because it is indeed your heart. Your heart’s compass will never lead you astray—even if things feel weird or uncomfortable take solace that in knowing yourself and what makes you feel alive—you will inevitably know deeply and truly what freedom of self feels like.

Much love and light to all of you. Please reach out if this resonated with you. I’m looking to connect with all of you!!