Memories: 8 May 2023

8 May 2024

8 May 2023

I worked so damnèd hard on these pendants. The front two are completed. The back two …well, I tried soldering my handtwisted stems onto the back gumnut for the past two days. It just refuses to work.

The other gumnut embryo just fell apart when I was polishing it. Arghhhhh. I had just tumbled them all and put LOS and polished them but now that one needs to be re-soldered.

Three days of struggle to only have two successful pendants. I am starting to feel like I am gonna have a nervous breakdown. (Downplaying the frustration right now.)

So I guess tomorrow I will have to pick myself back off the floor of gravelrashed torpitude and try again with the two remaining pendants. The casting of these items was easy…it’s the soldering the wires for the “stems” that is so hard.

I guess I am being too hard on myself as only a year ago I was unable to solder successfully at all!

#titaniasrealm #sterlingsilver #835silver #brisbaneartist #IAmSoTiredICouldScream #creativity #potentialgrowthatfiftypercent #silversmithingisart #Ineedahugandtwentymilliondollarssss

8 May 2022

Happy Mothers Day. To Gaia who sustains us with Life force, food, Beauty, fresh air and water and cosmic interconnected vibrations.

To the women who birthed me, and re-birthed me.

To the women (and men) who fed me, nurtured me, gave me hope for the future, loved me, held me precious when I was down in the Abyss, prayed for me, blessed me, comforted me, gifted me homes to live in, gifted me freedom, self authority, and grace.

Thank you for the Love, for the sweetness, for the generosity and for the beautiful life we are co-creating on our beautiful planet.

Shalom!

8 May 2021

8 May 2020

I had a delightful visit from Margot and her two little girls, Evie and Suzy. They got a tour of my house and loved the witch toy (that lights up and cackles!) I have hanging over my bed head.

Little Evie (the elder of the children aged about 5) said “can you set up the witches cauldron?” I said “ how do you know I have one, Evie?!”

She just shrugged. I said “I do set up that cauldron on Halloween once a year! If you come to my house at that time you will see the cauldron with its mister!”

The children of this generation are so attuned that it blows my mind! Very intuitive! Cute!!!

We shared my delicious fudge brownies and the kids jumped on the rebounder thingy I use as a pet bed under the house.

They cried when they had to go home as it was all a bit exciting. I told them they can visit again and that Charlie, the cats, the goldfish and Bobo and myself will still be here!

I joked I would just be getting older and weirder, specifically more weirder than older. Margot and I had to laugh at that!

…

8 May 2019

I had my debrief. My doctor told me that I am powerful because I am so utterly rawly honest about myself and my interactions with others. That I have the Boudiccea persona that stems from my inner spirit and longterm survival.

That my hyper vigilance of a trauma patient has been honed to the point that I see through all the bullshit.

I told him I feel much better this week, mentally clear and much more positive. It has been another hard year with the Cardinal Pell conviction and my health issues but I finally feel so much better.

Of course I say this with full knowledge that I fall into the Abyss with more monotonous regularity than other more normal folks but for now...I am loving what’s left of me and my life.

I told my doctor that raw honesty is all I am left with, after being stripped bare of everything, including love relationships, security, money etc. It is my last whittled down essence.

He said there is something in you apart from the words you use and the way you express yourself. Something in your intelligence and deep core of your spirit that is indeed powerful.

I am finally accepting my innate “greatness” that I was made to push down or fear by my abusers all my life.

Where will it lead me to? No idea. But just for today I am going to enjoy my own power (Mana) and the staunch love and support of my worthy doctor and my brave and beautiful friends and one remaining daughter.

Just wonderful! Xxx

…

8 May 2017

3.53 am. Ho'oponopono brings healing, clarity and who knows what more is yet to be purged?

I woke up thirsty but with a great sense of karmic cleansing. Yessss. The man I have loved with all my heart that wrought great evil towards me will be dealt with. The gods have spoken. I am exhausted but satisfied. The pain is intense but no less painful than the previous pain of the past 6 months. It is leaving my body/mind/spirit.

I cleaned my gutters last week, yesterday the dragonfruit that was my personal protection on the side of the house. This week the raspberry will get cut down as new fencing is due to be installed soon.

Selling my engagement ring (the symbol of a long dead love that was purchased and manipulated by my mother) brought another crisis of emotional bloodletting. The $150 was nice as it bought me some food and a drink on Saturday night but if I had known for sure that spiritually it was gonna fuck my vibe so severely, I would have stuck to my original plan to throw the evil piece of shit horcrux in the sea.

Next time I will honour my own intuition. Hmmm $40 left of that energy. What shall I buy with it? Lmao!

I see things very clearly right now. Like a veil has been lifted. Who was Fake and malevolent. Who truly loved me. Fascinating to observe. I am ready for the next adventure.

May the gods in their infinite peace and mercy continue to light my path out of darkness and deception and Bring me to my perfect state of existence with a gentle loving hand.

…

I love waking up in the morning to the face of Beauregard regarding my features remodelling into consciousness. I have a little stretch and a yawn, make weird groaning noises as I shift back into presence in my body.

He always does the same. Then gives me a very compassionate doggy smile. We are back in da room. Back on earth. Grounded. Alive. Aware. Psychedelic dreamer's dream continues...

…

My youngest child was born on Mothers Day. I try not to think about that now. She rejected me years ago. My eldest daughter migrated to Europe. She says she loves me but...

Here I am. A mother who was one of the Un-Mothered now a failure at motherhood. You can't bind Love to you. It is or it is Not.

I loved my children to the point of obsession. As babies they were my only true loves in a marriage marred by emotional abuse and a relationship with my family of origin marred by so much abuse. From frying pan to the jellied fire.

To escape my family I craved a family of my own. Something loving, strong and genuine. But I married a dull intellect psychopath. I exchanged one sociopath for another then tried to live a normal life surrounded by mother, father, stepfather, sister, brother in law, husband and not one was ever really on my side.

Not one cared enough to protect or defend me. Sold me down the River Styx but the ferry man would not take my loose change as I had work to do.

Raise my babies against all odds. Keep leaving, moving house, trying to get us all safe. The toll was paid in my trauma. It cost me Jasmine.

Almost cost me Crystal as well but even though she has removed herself there is still a fragment of love left for me. Skype messages. Ahem. (try not to cry and think of all the Love in my life: cats, dog, hens, garden, fishponds, a few lovely friends).

My bastard mother predicted my kids would abandon me when they grew up. She was right. She programmed the final outcome. Abuse, Trauma, attempts to heal, reconciliation, more abuse, suicide attempt, estrangement, keep us safe keep us safe, deaths, will disputes, more suicidal ideation.

Payout, money poured out like a libation to celebrate my liberation, wild celebrations of my freedom from my past, attacks coming from external forces: banned from the pub I built so much energy in, defamation accusations, another serious suicide attempt then a stolen puppy. Now 6 months later. A return to happiness with my Beauregard and a powerful love I won't let go of.

Children. Leave. Maybe one day they will come back. Maybe not. Lovers leave. Lovers stay. I am the Love I poured out to others.

If only a fraction of what I gave away to other people came to reside within, to stay within, to ennoble and enrich my heart and soul, even a tiny amount? How would I be? How strong, how replete, how fulfilled?!

My childhood was tainted. My young adulthood stained by abuse. My prime: my 30's and 40s. Recovering from attempts to annihilate me.

Now I am 51. 51. 51. I can't make sense of it. The daughter/sister/wife/mother/friend/lover/failure. Survivor! So now I pray to God to smite our enemies but in return I myself, am immolated.

I did not matter. I was/am/ and always will be nothing and no one. The shadow on the wall. The light in the fire, the breath that was squeezed out of me, the declension. Kill me if you must, but here I am. Alone. Alive. Aspiration.

I am Whom I am becoming. God is watching. I wait and hope and trust and dream and sing and dance and never ever quit believing that all this will fall away like a discarded garment and beyond the veil, there will be Love and Light instead of fight and flight and fright.

Love is Mine and I am Love. It is a fierce passionate drive to survive, thrive and subscribe to Truth and Beauty and Integrity.

Love. Always and forever.

…

12 years as a slave. Gut-wrenching immaculate movie.

…

Malka Leifer has once again evaded justice protected by the Israeli govt and the court-appointed psychiatrist.

I will pray that the Angel of Death visits her every night and tortures her to the degree she raped and tortured all her victims. Let her know no peace, joy or health until justice is done by all her victims. As she sowed, so must she reap.

May all the angels of wrath and vengeance appear to her and her enablers and may their filth be wiped from the face of the earth. May her victims live to see justice in their own day and be healed so they can thrive and live full and happy lives. Amen!

…

May the G-D of Abraham Isaac and Jacob, Sarah Rebecca Rachel and Leah hear my prayer. Not just for me who remains unavenged but for all survivors of CSA.

In particular please, oh Lord of Hosts, Primordial Consciousness, Creator of worlds upon worlds, let those harmed by Malka Leifer see justice. Soon. Sooner!

Bless her victims with peace, Love and abundant positive blessings. Free them from the slavery of her oppression and perversions. Let none who stood by and supported that evil woman be free of the smiting, whether figurative or literal.

Thank you! Amen!

…

Crystal is finding the Hackney Haredim males very obnoxious and oppressive. They pushed in front of her on the bus and when she told them it was an absolute chutzpah, they told her it had nothing to do with being Jewish. She said “No it's about you hating women”. She had to push past them as they are so afraid she might touch them.

Those perverted schmucks in gabardine in a cult that enables and protects paedophiles have the nerve to insult MY daughter. A decent woman. She can't wait to move out of that ghetto.

Lol Sylvia Shine z'l would have told her to punch them in the face. She was an Orthodox English Jew and after being raised in that filthy community she hated them with a passion. Now I finally understand why!

8 May 2016

I went to Woolies to buy bones and dog sausage for my Beau. Well oh my, chocolate mud cake was $2.50, eclairs $2.25 and chocolate croissants. I couldn't go past that.

So my very lonely Mother's Day (Jasmine hates me for being awesome and Crystal forgot or doesn't care, meh!) has been compensated with carbicide. I will go down to Valhalla in opulent Rubenesque glory. (Toots horn to tune of Last Post).

Jewish Viking Witches will die well fed and cared for. Yes Ma'am! Thank you to the Shechinah for providing for me in abundance. Every day of my natural, or at times supra-natural life, is a goddess driven miracle.

I wake up breathing, I go to sleep breathing, I dream psychedelic technicolour dreams, or nightmares, and in between I try to make sense out of my life.

At 51 I should have been dead decades ago, but mysteriously and rather disturbingly (to me and my enemies!) I am not dead. This is rather inconvenient as I can't afford even my most basic lifestyle.

But with a lot (I mean a huge lot!) of effort, my friends float me along and drag me up from the quagmire of desolation (Mordor! Hodor! Eeyore!) What is a Mad Tea Party without the Mad hatter?

It is like a carpenter without oysters or the Ring of Power without those who must have their Preciousss!) By the hair on my chinny chin chin (double chin, thank you very much) as Cees used to say, being overweight used to be a status symbol of being wealthy as you could eat well enough to get fat and well, luscious!)

So let me eat cake until my head falls off.

…

Hahaha. So many David's, so little bail money, lawyers and alibis!

…

Beauregard has Puppy ADD today. Busy chasing the crow family up and down the fence. He has been outside all day! He keeps running to the fence, on high alert but nothing is there.

Scoping the perimeter of my property. Sniffing everything. I hope he has not licked toads in the early hours of the morning. He is almost acting as if he is stoned, all sped up like. I don't know where he gets his energy from.

…

Tomorrow I will be in a Byron Bay State of Mind and Being. Going there with Jarrod, Harvey and Beauregard. It will be a dog-god's afternoon and evening! Happy Dance!

Oh, I can hardly wait to commune with the rainbow serpent's tail and all those pure beautiful energies. Let the healing commence!

…

The other day Jarrod found out something really fascinating.

I scattered my de facto stepfather of 23 years ashes on King Island at Wellington Point at his request. My mother also wanted to be scattered there so her ashes could be in the ocean, next to Cees and the tides could carry her essence to the 4 corners of the globe.

Her last husband had hijacked her life (money and houses and co-wrote a horrible evil will) and to add insult to great tortuous injury he had bought a burial plot at Redland Bay cemetery for her to be buried beside him.

After his decade of abuse I simply would not allow this as I had known for many years, even as a child that she wanted to be cremated and put in the sea.

So when the ashes of my dead mother were returned to me (she sat on the floor in front of my tv for a week, as I slowly digested the fact she was in a plastic buoy that looked just like the huge bottle I had to piss in when Crystal was 2 weeks overdue for delivery). I would watch tv and watch my mother's ashes and think, well here she is in all her opulent over-the-top splendour.

Also my mother was a floater. She could lie in her pool for hours, floating around in her sarong, naked underneath, floating like a giant blue-bottle with her venomous sting.

She also loved to wear white flowing dresses and even walking around all white and flowing, she had the appearance of a floater. So this buoy bottle really put me into a tail-spin of wonderment.

I hired White Lady funeral directors as my mother, for all her malevolent ways, was always the Lady in White. Their chapel that we conducted her funeral in, was elegant, with chandeliers and Persian rugs and looked just like Gisela's living room. Perfection!

Then I summoned up the courage, and Jarrod, Crystal, Jasmine and I made the long walk to the island at low tide. Jasmine demanded she get the honour of scattering her grandmother which sort of made up for her laughing hysterically and spitefully at Mum's funeral and remarking "Why don't they make heart-shaped coffins?" Perhaps in hindsight she was channeling Gisela after all.

So Jasmine played "La Vie En Rose" by Edith Piaf as it was meaningful to Jasmine. I did not have the heart to tell her that Mum hated that song. But it was beautiful and poignant and Mum did have a tendency to destroy rose-coloured glasses and make all my dreams into curses, so the irony was not lost on me.

Jasmine tossed her grandmother into the sea with a certain amount of perfunctory glee and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. Then silently we returned to the mainland.

Jarrod found out that in the 1900's a family had lived on that tiny island for 2 years as their child had polio so a doctor had recommended they live in fresh salt air.

It is not known if the child survived or died but they gave it their all, living in isolation apart from low tide marks out there. The family's surname was Phillips! My mother had kept my father's name for decades after they split and only took on the accursed Scherer name on marrying that vile con-man.

So on one side of King Island we have Cornelis Van Der Greft (formerly Hottentot on his great great grandmother's side) and on the other side, Gisela Eva Margaretha Meyer/Paede/Jarman/Phillips/Scherer.

We planted her as far out to sea as we could, farthest north of the island, so she couldn't fight with Cees too much as he was a peaceful man who needed his space from her.

So it is a strange twist of fate that in insisting on my mother's wishes for her ashes be honoured, that I also brought her Home to the Phillips Clan.

I can hear Cees say "Och Doch Mensch!"

…

Happy Mothers' Day to the Beautiful People. Happy Un-Mothered Day for the rest of us shaken-not-stirred-Emotionally-destroyed-but-still smiling folks.

To my "adopted mothers" past and present, who nurtured me when my biological mother failed to be a decent person, June Robertson, Lyn Sloane, Rosie Price. Thanks for the Love! xxx

…

8 May 2015

5.26 pm woke up half an hour ago. Boychik, vas I tired!?

I have no money until Monday or Tues. So I guess I will go dancing anyway and drink water. I have done that many times before. I am still very angry that $20 was stolen from my purse. Two times too many.

Now making a nice cup of tea and contempating my future. To dance or not to dance. If I don't feel more alert by 10 pm I will stay home.

Shabbat Shalom, y'all!

8 May 2014

3.05 am. Still awake. Have changed bedding in spare room, put away my doll collection from my childhood, sorted linen cupboard, (sort of). Now changing my bedding in my room.

I finally ate some pudding. Done 2 loads of washing. Epic house cleaning still required. It's out of control.

I also sorted some clothes for the Op Shop. I need to let go of stuff as I am such a hoarder. I will see if Crystal wants my business suits which I haven't worn in 15 years lmao.

…

8 May 2011

I got a big surprise this evening. My two beautiful daughters surprised me (by sneaking round the back door!) with a visit for Mothers Day.

We had tea and chocolate and read each other's cards. I was able to give Crystal her coffee table and Jasmine an early birthday gift for Tuesday. Life is Good -and getting better and better. Bliss!

…

.....nurture their fellow mothers who also from time to time experience the same. I honour all the women in the world, and my own many and varied Mothers, who have loved and cherished, respected, comforted and laughed with me, been solid supports and the anchors in my life in turbulent times. I love you all! G-d Bless!

…

Gail and I celebrated Mothers Day together this morning. Gail brought me lovely fruit and custard tartlets, and a block of my favourite Lindt chocolate and I brought out my best German China teacups and made tea and we ate merrily, then afterwards we took Miss Bella Rosa for a lovely walk in the forest behind my house.

8 May 2009

I'm being totally worshipped and adored by a little Terrier named Harvey....proof that dog=god and are interchangeable. PS Bella is psychotically jealous. Proof that Dogs are Monotheistic. They think I am G-d!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons