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Meeting Him

by Rae Magick 9 months ago in humanity
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Part Four

By Lukas Rychvalsky from Pexels

Me and my roommates were all getting ready to move to Washington. We were throwing stuff out to make room for what we wanted to bring with us to Washington. We kept thinking that everything is better in Washington compared to in Michigan.

Dean was already on his own with his transition into the Navy. I was waiting for the day when my soon to be ex-husband was driving back to Texas. He said our divorce could be cheap, but my intuition told me he was lying to me. He was going to make the divorce difficult for me. I could feel it, but I kept my mouth shut because he would never admit to that. Why say you don't believe his word if it just ends up in an argument? I knew the person I was divorcing. H wasn't going to take any responsibility for his part in this. He comes with excuses and people to blame, not results.

At the moment my soon to be ex-husband was staying in the bedroom Dean used to sleep in so that he and I could be separated. As I was packing, and getting rid of stuff, to make room for the packing I was secretly missing Dean. I saw that Dean’s relative posted a mailing address on Dean's Facebook page for anyone who wanted to write to him. I snatched that address in a snap and wrote to him every day.

By Jen Theodore on Unsplash

When I received a letter from Dean in Michigan, he said he was pleasantly surprised to hear from me. Well, writing to him was the pleasant part of my days and nights. Any time I thought of something or felt something during any day really, but mostly the rainy days, I would write to him.

I’m not going to lie. When it came to being on my own, I was absolutely terrified. Once we arrived in Washington I felt so different. I felt like I couldn’t talk with my friends. They were my roommates in Michigan and turned into friends in Washington. I wasn’t supposed to be living with them, I was supposed to be with the guy I married. I changed those plans by wanting a divorce. I no longer had roommates, a partner, or the part of me I was used to. I claimed to want a divorce and that meant I was completely alone. I thought I would have help along the way while in Washington, but the help did not exist for me.

As soon as we arrived in Washington I literally felt the change between me and my friends. I couldn’t talk with them about anything that was going on with me anymore. They couldn’t help me feel better, figure out my divorce, or help me figure out what to do with my living situation. I wanted a place to stay so I looked around the area for a place to stay in Washington. I wasn’t having any luck.

By Fernando @cferdo on Unsplash

As I was working at Walgreens my shifts felt so unreal. I was crying on the clock, in my car, and during any walks outside the apartment. One of my coworkers were drinking on the clock. I was not going to get in her business, as I could not tell that she was making any mistakes at work, but I also wasn't going to talk with her but what was going on with me. I hate it when people get into my business. I make it a point to leave people alone unless something is actually wrong.

Another coworker was stealing perfume. I actually enjoyed her presence. When I found out why she was fired I felt betrayed. Another person I liked was lying to me. She was stealing and I had no idea.

Another coworker was focused on getting promoted at the store and an assistant manager just focused on physical appearances while at the store. She didn't like the way I was sitting on the floor while placing the labels and prices on the shelves. She showed me how she wanted me to sit on the floor. She wanted me to pretend to sit on an invisible chair as I was working.

No. I already know I cannot do that the entire time of doing this task. I felt really mad at her. I hate it when people only care about the physical appearances. I continued sitting on the floor doing the task till I was finished.

By Andre Hunter on Unsplash

I suddenly felt hopeful when I found out that Dean was stationing in Washington soon. I felt relieved to just to see him soon. I’m not going to lie. There was a part of me that wanted to end up living with him. A coworker annoyingly told me that he could make that arrangement.

My intuition knew better. That wasn’t going to happen. Due to our connection, I felt he didn’t want to live with anyone. He was happy with his transition in the Navy. I didn’t want to interrupt that independent space for him.

I skipped work on Halloween to be with Dean because I knew he would be visiting for the weekend. I tried calling out, but the store was so busy. I received a voice mail from one of the managers asking me to not call out. I was feeling so stubborn being that Halloween was my favorite day of the year and I didn't want to miss seeing Dean. I ended up just not showing up for work and being with my friends and Dean during Halloween.

On one end it felt amazing being with him in his arms sitting on the couch drinking alcohol. On the other end I felt very much alone. It didn't matter that I was with my favorite people who had shown me emotional support and understanding in ways I had never received before in my life. It didn't matter that I was with Dean. He didn't know what I was going through, and he couldn't help me feel better in my situation. I wanted him to be there but having emotional conversations with the man I love wasn't something I was used to experiencing. My soon to be ex-husband didn't enjoy having the heart-to-heart conversations with me.

As I spent time with Dean in Washington, I very much enjoyed my time with him walking in nature and exploring the sceneries together. I enjoyed eating Chinese food with him that night and cuddling with him afterwards. I felt so safe in his arms. I never wanted to leave him. I knew he wanted his space though. I could tell that Dean couldn’t be there for me. He hadn’t been through a marriage then a divorce. The kind of support I needed from someone he just couldn’t give to me. He just wasn’t in that place with me. He was a single guy enjoying the Navy.

I hated having to leave Washington. I felt heart broken when telling Dean. I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want to leave him. I waited a day to tell my friends after I told Dean because I felt so low about my news. I thought Dean being in Washington was a sign for me to figure out how to stay there. I just felt so much anxiety about the idea of being homeless as my friends gave me a deadline for when to leave their apartment. I had to make the choice I didn’t want to make because everyone was telling me where I couldn’t live while in Washington. The apartment I tried moving into… The lady working there heard me talking about my friends. She said I could move in as long as my friends were with me. I told her that they moved into an apartment, and I am looking without them. She told me that in my position that won’t happen. I would need roommates.

I tried looking for roommates but that didn’t work out for me either. So, I made the call to my mom, in the parking lot of the apartment complex my roommates were living in, telling her that I needed to go back to Texas to file for a divorce. She said they would prefer me to be with them during this process I am in with my divorce anyway. So, my parents and grandpa helped me make the arrangements to move back to Texas. I had to fly and transfer my car to Texas.

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About the author

Rae Magick

I write about the stories in my life that helped me heal. I write to help someone feel like they are not alone and can finally begin to heal as well.

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