I enjoyed spending time with Dean. Sitting next to him, walking with him, talking with him, laying with him... I never wanted to leave him. I wanted to just be with him always. I felt safe, at home, filled with laughter and joy. I loved that we both seemed to enjoy thunderstorms.
One evening all of us were outside in the backyard while it was raining. My husband and male roommate in a tree house, me and my female roommate standing on the patio, another male roommate and Dean talking behind us on the patio. I was watching Dean lift weights on the patio. I remember wanting to be closer to him while he was enjoying his work out but instead, I put a mask on. I acted like I enjoyed the scenery of the tree house instead. That's what people do when they worry. They lie and put on a mask and try to believe in the lie they just told.
Dean saw an eye lash being miss placed on my eye. He tried to get the eye lash but had trouble. He was frustrated and told me to get my own eye lash from own eyeball. I don't know why but him saying that with his fiery frustration made me laugh so hard that I had to hide my face in his pillow. He laughed while I was laughing.
After we cooled off from spending time together, because I couldn't make up my mind about what I wanted, my world turned upside down. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I knew I wanted Dean and really wanted to get to continue getting know him but felt like I couldn’t. It started to feel like I was being watched at the house after I talked with my roommate a little bit about what was going on with me. I wasn’t going to talk with her, but I had never felt so lost before in my life. I only felt like I was being watched by everyone because I grew up being used to people judging me and telling me how to live life. Everyone. My family, relatives, and church friends. They call it being caring. It doesn't feel caring to me. According to them it doesn't matter how it makes me feel when they watch and judge me. As long as they say they are just being caring that's all matters. So, it didn’t matter to me that my roommate told me she would never judge what's going on with me, when you have lived all your life surrounded by judgmental people, that’s just where your PTSD (Past Trauma Syndrome Disorder) will stay till you can find a way to get over it.
I would wake up early enough to drink coffee in the kitchen, looking out the window, and wait to see Dean walking into the kitchen to grab his coffee then walk back into his bedroom. No matter what I did after I had spent some time with him, I couldn’t understand what was going on with me.
I began doing some research and was looking up soulmates because I felt confused about what it meant to experience life with soulmates. I thought my husband was my soulmate. Most people in Texas thought this. I thought your soulmate was your person for life. As I was surfing the web, I started seeing the term Twin Flame on the internet. I never heard of twin flames before but by reading the information about them something inside of me was waking me up and disturbing my whole being.
Apparently twin flames are one flame that were so strong they had to split into two flames. Twin flames are one soul in two bodies. There will be a person (one of the twin flames) who begins to wake up a little bit and receive messages about their twin flame connection. For me this meant recognizing his soul when his name was mentioned before I ever met him in this lifetime, again when reading his name in a text message before meeting him, again when reading his name on the white board in the kitchen before meeting him, and again when meeting him for the first time. For me this was happening when I couldn’t stop thinking about and felt absolutely insane for how I was feeling about someone I didn’t even know. My feelings were much stronger for him than they were for my husband. I still felt like I could tell a single soul how I felt. I was scared. Even with this bit of information I still didn’t know what to do.
Recognizing someone's soul means you have experienced life with them in another lifetime. You may not remember what happened, but you remember their soul. Your soul feels their soul. We are the same souls in different bodies because this is a different lifetime.
I remember feeling like there was always something missing every time I celebrated my birthday, celebrated holidays, and just living life as best as I could. The moment I met Dean everything changed inside of me. Something inside of my clicked.
My roommate suggested that I do a life coaching session with her best friend’s mom. I was afraid of doing this because I was still so used to people judging me, but my roommate said that her job is to help people not judge them. It doesn’t matter what's going on with me she would be there for me regardless or she is not doing her job.
I still felt scared, but I agreed to participate. I don’t fully remember what happened during the session. I just remember going to meet the life coach at her house. We did the session in her living room. She walked through a session while my eyes were closed and going through a really deep meditative experience. If I remember correctly, I was being hypnotized. I don’t remember what went on through the session. I just remember how I felt after waking up from the session. I felt clear that I couldn’t continue my life with my husband. The life coach did not suggest this to me, I just gained clarity on my own. She told me that sometimes we walk through with people and sometimes the purpose in that relationship has been served. Once there is nothing more to gain from the relationship your soul knows it's time to part. It doesn’t have to mean that parting is a bad or sad experience to go through, it just is.
I went home feeling better about my clarity but also really nervous. I walked out on the back porch patio and told my female and male roommates that I am leaving my husband and that I plan to tell him this when he gets home from work that day. They just said ok but I felt the support from them.
My husband came home from work shortly afterwards and asked me how the session went. Our roommates walked inside after he asked that question.
"The session was good. I got clarity.", I answered him.
"Thats's good. Anything to fill me in on?"
"I feel like I need to be on my own now."
He looks at me waiting to hear more.
"I am leaving this marriage to be on my own."
"I thought you were going to the session to fix our marriage?...", he asks.
That question told me I was making the right decision. If a marriage is going to be fixed then those two people go to the session together, not apart from each other.
My eyes opened wide.
"No, this session was just for me. I needed to figure things out for myself after doing lots thinking alone and writing in my journal. I have been working on sorting things out for myself. You kept saying everything is fine, but I haven't been ok. You didn't care how I have been feeling. This session was for me.", I answered him.
"Oh... Well, living on your own means you would be alone. Living alone in your own home. You would be alone. I wouldn't be there. You can't live by yourself."
"I need to do this for myself.", I said trying to be strong looking away from him feeling hurt.
"Well... you're definitely shooting the energy I'm throwing at you back at me.", he said getting up from his seat walking away from me inside the house.
After he walked inside I waited a minute. I then stood up and walked down in the basement and found my male and female roommates talking and using the computer.
"I did it. I told him I want the divorce."
"Ok. How do you feel?", they asked.
"Good and shaken. He told me I can't live without him."
"There is only so much one person can do in a two person relationship. You have been doing all the work. It's good that you're getting out the relationship. You deserve more than him.", said my male roommate.
Hearing him say that told me that my roommates had been waiting for me to leave my husband. Once again, I felt good about this decision and started to feel the support again.
Apparently, I scared my life coach after my female roommate told her of my news. My life coach heard me say I was leaving my husband but wasn't expecting me to actually leave him just like that. Why? Because she had never experienced her clients doing what they said would do instantly.
Normally when I can tell something is not right and not helping me anymore, I rip that band aide off. There are some things that feel really scary for me to do, but I am working on this now.