Me, Myself and I

In light of the challenge to write about ourselves I took time to think about it. Writing about myself and my journey can bring up a whole host of emotions as it would for any individual person. So here it goes, my foray into allowing the readers to know a little more about me. Welcome to my world!

All of my life, for as long as I can remember at least, there was always a dream about being something. Whether it was a pilot, basketball player or anything prestigious, the desire to make something of myself had been ever present and have a passion for it. I played basketball for a lot of my childhood, but eventually that was taken away from me. It wasn’t until my life was completely altered by illness that I truly found that passion. When I was in high school I was diagnosed with Crohns disease and it was so severe at the time I had lost one hundred pounds in less then a week, in and out of hospitals, all along I missed over one hundred days of school forcing some of my friends at the time to even assume the worst, that I had passed away. Days were confined to bed rest, mostly in and out of sleep as a young teenager and in an attempt to stave off depression or boredom, I began to write stories. At first it was just a fun distraction but it became more as I continued to work at it and enjoy it more and more.

Sadly, Crohns disease continued for quite some time and my doctor at that time was out of answers for how to treat it. Thus, I was sent to John Hopkins to hopefully find a better way to attack it. I’d be seen by their specialists and eventually it would be maintained but it forced me to meticulously watch my diet even to this day. After high school, I attended a community college that was close to home while still keeping an eye on crohns. I’d enjoyed some good years as I began to make up for some time missed out on being a kid more or less. For a time with friends I was even making a webseries which largely was a big step forward in terms of my creative side. Eventually, toward the end of college I began to work as a grocery clerk at the nearby Giant which in its own right brought about some other health issues. I had joint issues that began to pop up around the time I was diagnosed with crohns but over the years it would be revealed to be arthritis. Another autoimmune disorder in a long list of them including psoriasis as well, I’d even joke with doctors that I won the lottery on them.

However, at the end of my time with Giant, co-workers began to notice as I took more and more hours my gait had slowed almost to the point where it was impossible for me to put weight on my left leg. My left knee was swollen and looked like it had fluid in it. After visiting my rheumatologist and general care it seemed ideal to go to the hospital as things had taken a turn. My legs had nasty bloodied marks up and down which led some of the doctors to believe that maybe I had an infection inside my left knee causing all the swelling. Doctors also found that I would need surgery on the knee and took out a lot of dead tissue inside. At the time I was only 24 years old having a surgery that most 60 year old men would be having. There was even a concern that maybe I had some sort of bone cancer at the time, but it was just as simple as a lot of issues at once most noticeably being that of arthritis. The other issue was that the medicine I was taking was a biological drug named Remicade that my body began to reject almost to the point as if I was allergic to it. It was an incredibly scary time that still to this day I deal with.

From that point on, I had another surgery to help the knee heal and ten years later that knee isn’t exactly great but I get by. Four years later I would go on to take a job as an assistant of sorts in the school system where I helped children with special needs. Before all the issues with my joints, I was trying to get a job as such so it felt like I was getting back on track. I was a bit of a germaphobe, considering I am immunocompromised I had to be and being around children would occasionally make that difficult but I managed it all well. After a few months of working there, the arthritis reared its ugly head once again with haste. I went to stand up to help someone and felt as if I couldn’t stand much less move well. Pain was ever present in my right hip, which doctors took a look at and found that arthritis had done plenty of damage to it. The ball in the hip became more of a triangle in fact. Due to me being on the younger side along with my medical history, the idea of replacing the hip scared off a few surgeons as it is a rather big risk to operate on.

Once again, things didn’t look too promising with my health. The most simple of tasks were made much more difficult. Simply getting out of bed in the morning became arduous as did so many other things. Pain was my constant in life. My rheumatologist this time was out of answers and kept putting me on steroids which was a band-aid at best, and at worst it complicated problems even more down the line. I’d be in and out of hospitals, once for fluid in my lungs and then for various infections. Like before, I’d be advised to see a rheumatologist out of John Hopkins and thankfully they would put me on the right path. I’m still looking at a potential hip replacement sooner rather than later, but physically I am feeling better than I have arguably over the last ten years. I still have a passion for writing, obviously, but I do miss how things were back before the arthritis really took over. I miss being able to play basketball and freely move around.

Through all of this, my father wasn’t around. After high school, he had left and tried to hide things under the rug saying that he was moving closer to New York for work. At that time he was an italian wine importer, but the real truth was that he and my mother were headed for a divorce. For twenty seven years he had been cheating on her. This didn’t sit well with my older brother, as for the most part he had idolized my father. They even shared the same name after all. From that point on he struggled with his own identity, chastising anyone who would dare to compare him to his father, but ultimately it is who he is. He struggled to keep friends as once his charm was lost on people, they would realize just how selfish he is among other things. Once my health took a turn for the worst, both of them didn’t buy it. They felt as if I was embellishing things and ultimately whenever my brother was around, he was hardly there nor would he care about whatever issues I had going on.

All of that being said, I have maintained one outlook through my battles with my own health. It could always be worse. At least I have things in place where I could pay for treatments. At least I have had friends to support me through the bad times. At least I’ve had a caring mother to be by my side through the worst. Without her actually I would have probably gone crazy long ago in hindsight. It could always be worse. So, I’ve never been one to sit in a corner and give up or pout about how life isn’t fair. I’ll have my bad days where I do, but we are only human. The honest best therapy through it all has always been writing. It has been something that I have always found myself coming back to as it frequently allows me to exit myself, my worries and tribulations to focus on something else. Create something else or live as a spectator into another world. I even had a teacher back in college that told me he wasn’t surprised that writing had become not just an outlet for me but a major passion in my life due to how most people that are so called “normal” are going through life experiencing everything from the driver's side of the vehicle. They haven’t fully been able to take in the beauty of life or admire the smallest of details, whereas I have been on the passengers side taking in everything like a sponge which of course bodes well for a writer. Finding Vocal has been a haven for me. It has allowed me a platform to hone my craft, to learn and interact with others that have a similar passion in writing, so thank you all. It is an honor to be peers with such talented writers here on Vocal.