Me, Myself and Content

Everything that surrounded me, I absolutely hate. The people, the voices, everyones bullshit. I hated myself the most and more. I am hateful because of the experiences, my past and the people in it. Everything happened in the past is now behind me, can't change shit. You just have to move shit.

To make this short and sweet; I am inlove with the struggle. Feeling sorry for yourself is close near the end of your prime.

It's funny how you come to terms that you are actually suicidal. You ask yourself why I haven't done it yet? Its not quite that I am chicken shit, it's more so that I want to see how far I can go in this life. Life is beautiful don't get me wrong, but its the world that is ugly and it's slowly falling apart; deteriorating within.

My family is the main reason why I'm still here. I always have this plan or vision of wanting to write letters to my family to tell them I'll be fine and to not bother looking for me while I go on a journey to allow myself to heal and grow. I still feel at times Im losing myself and hope to find myself again. The scary thought of losing yourself can be oddly intriguing to see how far can you go. Sometimes I think of their faces and imagine the cries and whaling of my family if they were to find me unconcious blaming themselves for my last choice at life. It's them hurting that does it for me. I seen my parents cry that hurts me. I seen my siblings scream and cry and it hurts me the most that I can't bring myself to do that to them. Even seeing people who have crossed my path whom have passed on hurts. It takes strong affect on people, even if you weren't close to that person you did had a short moment in time that never left your memory.

People look at people like me thinking we got it together but we don't. I had to quit lying to myself that I am okay. I'm not but this is fine. I started to become more honest with myself about what goes on in my head and my gut because holding it in makes me feel ill inside. Constant stress, headaches and always angry. Sometimes I can feel affecting my kidneys.

I took it upon myself to go back to Northern California for a short time to be around my family again due to my mental health. My job before I came back up here I would used to take a shot before I go to work or show up intoxicated but thankfully for the mask no one noticed or atleast I hope.

I came back angry and irritable. I was in a rush to leave but something inside me was telling me to stick around longer because I wasn't quite ready to move on until I became honest with the people I love and myself. I am tired of being this martyr obtaining some type of sympathy and people feeling sorry for me. That shit is annoying. Even feeling sorry for myself even aggravates me.

I came out to my mom and told her how I'm suicidal and weirdly enough she was listening, it was satisfying because it felt like I was venting to myself in my car crying with no one to confide in. We were on the way to San Francisco when I came out to her and somehow we ended up on this forgotten road that was 3 hour drive when its usually an hour and a half. For some reason it felt like it was meant to be because I felt safe to finally open up. I was telling her my plans for later on and she actually listened and her words "I'm proud of you babe, I fucking love you kids." Those words felt genuine, it gave me warmth and hope for the future, now that I know its bright.

I still have my dad to be honest to. The man I asked if I can call him dad when my mom and him started dating. It's not that I'm afraid of how he is going to react it's just seeing him cry hurts the most.

I feel like throughout this journey learning about yourself and being more open with the people you love is important. I do believe there is a time and place to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Allow yourself to heal. Allow growth. Grow to be content.

Just take a moment to breathe.