An Endless Foreword

I don’t know where to start when you want to apologize for absolutely nothing, but you feel like you’re in the wrong for something you didn’t even do; something that is missing perhaps it’s just my own negative thoughts. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just don’t feel anything anymore like it's so hard to explain because other people don’t understand how do you not feel.

I don’t want to end my life. I just want to end this excruciating agony. The only time I feel is when I overthink and work myself up building these scenarios in my head hurting my owns feelings to a point to where I tear up in anger and my heartbeat beats faster than usual. I look at the ceiling every day when I’m at home, responding to the voices in my head that is also me myself and I.

Her name is Mercurial.

Staring at the static inside the television because it's so relevant that’s what my mind looks like when I overthink. Building myself up. The curtains closed with just a peep of light struggling to be seen. I want fucking out. PLEASE. I am tired of sitting at the edge of my bed burning smiley faces on my pale thighs along with the razorblade against my arm praying for the courage to press down.

Tears of agony falling down my cheeks, grinning ear to ear confused. Success...

I’m fine… I swear.

The things I say is nonsense to others but to those who feel exiled it sounds just right. The Exile’s Garden. Beyond inside the tunnel of our endless sources of fascination there is no wrong.

I speak to myself until I finally fall asleep because I seem to can’t find someone to speak to about these emotions. I do have a friends and acquaintances to vent to but they have the same chemical imbalance to where they vent to me and I don’t get to have a say to the point I end up carrying the burden that is not even my own. I’m full. Completely heavy. It’s the weight on my back that I’m always tired and because there is no feel. Numb that I can’t feel the vibrations no more.

I have a lack of communication and speech but very well spoken. I just don’t speak up enough to get rid of my own burden.

I don’t speak up enough about my problems. I think I need a tissue so I can just surrender finally but unfortunately, it’s not easy to fold on others who you think is trustworthy. I’m not saying I don’t trust anyone; it’s just hard to say because I have never trust anyone to believe a broken promise after too many.

I know where I am in this mercurial state. I’m just afraid it’s never going away. If I open, I will feel naked like I am allowing all of me to just for them. There’s always a point to a certain extent. I’m afraid to fold onto others; upon others. Once they break trust it will leave me nude. Standing still thinking, learning; as well as I pray. Praying to find a better solution to end this pain. I can do so much that I just hope. Hope and have faith to gain strength again. Holding onto my hand as it lies onto my heart because of the pressure from overthinking. The agony. So, excruciating. Help me remember when there were no worries as an innocent child before my purity has been taken advantage. Just to dream to live a happy life with no worries, no stress and no fear of being around people. My delightful energy runs low as time starts to stand still; no longer a movement not even a heartbeat.

It’s shouldn’t hurt this much to be an “Angel” when its already painful to be HUMAN. I sometimes think what my life holds… the beginning and end. The pros and cons, what will they be like.

I know I have all control, but what if I lose control. Control of my mind. Control of my health. Control of my well-being. I scare myself when I think of these things because, what if… What if I lose a little bit of control. but for a reason, a reason that is beneficial for me that it can teach a lesson.

I try to look on the brighter side and find the bigger picture; yet I find it hard to believe that happiness is a real thing.

Giving up on life is not an option but giving up on happiness is.

It feels like it doesn’t exist, not in this current life; Unfortunately.

TROGLODYTIC.

I love people but sometimes I just need to sit down because I during those times I can’t stand people like every other anxious mess. I’m okay when I’m at work because I’m forced to socialize. I’m okay when I’m drinking with my friends because the alcohol is my outlet to socialize.

I can laugh all day and pretend everything is fine. I know that I need to stop harboring my anger because I know it will make me an ugly person.

Resentments is like drinking poison and hoping another person dies. Treat yourself like your bestfriend, forgive yourself when necessary.

I sat with my anger long enough until I realize her real name is Grief.