Maybe...

Image by Jessia Felicio on Unsplash Maybe… 

I know I'm scared to love you… But I know I want to hold you. I want to feel that slow exhale of tender happiness of your breathe while my head lays on your chest, and I draw air hearts on your arm. I know I don't want to love you because I still can't tell if this is love or if this is lust… but it feels so right.

I don't want to love anything. sometimes… 

I want to stop this obsession with you. I want to run you out of my head! Screw the audacity of the universe for placing you in crevices where you weren't supposed to be! … but where I found love where it wasn't. I don't want to love you because I don't feel good enough for you. Because I want to be a better me - the best me, for you.

Lovesick! I don't want the fuckin risks!. How deep is the deep end? Will it kill me or will my heartstrings hold on for so long until it's too late?

Universe, I need some damn answers right now! Because tossing and turning and twirling in love because I fell for him… I fell for you. You! You! You! You! Why are you doing this to me? It's not destroying me, it's alluring me to those perfect little gates. And the sad part is you probably don't even know it. The battle going on in my heart every fuckin time I have to restrain myself from telling you how much I adore you, from telling you that it's going to be okay in the most loving way possible. But why?! Why do I do the things I do out of my most dearest devotion to you?! I've drawn too close and my mind is confused.

Is it because you're available, because you're the one and only one right now? Because close is close enough? Have I settled and can do better? Will you tell me that there's someone else out there for me? And try to let me down easy and then ignore me completely? Will you make me feel like damaged goods? Will you hurt me before anything real has even begun? I don't want lust because with you there's so much more than that! I demand love! And I'll damn well scream it from every mountain until every star in the sky has heard me.

But- oh wait, that's right! Love is 'tragic', and love is 'complicated', and emotions are blurred, and love is dying! Fuck it, love, maybe it's been dead and 'oh whoa is me,' and screw love for being so goddamn grim! I was done with chasing for a while, but there's something beautiful in running towards you. There's this panging in my heart and a throbbing in my gut that triggers me. An instant acknowledgment of your true prowess.

And you see me. I know you all too well. I feel you. But there's that void again. Where we stand on opposite ends of a road and we want to run into each one another's arms, but there's a thin wall. The attraction is off. And I know you all too well, and you know… you know it somehow, someway, and like me, you repress that tiniest of inclinations to avoid that hurt. That pain we fear so much. I refuse to love foolishly and to love unnecessarily recklessly.

But I want you to be obsessed with me. To get sick at the very thought of losing me. Imagine that, being held in long embraces, laughing until our ribs ache and we can't breathe and smile and the days go on. And why should love be some big horizon and why should it be some landmark in our lives that determines our every collected emotion in that one moment? Why can't we all grow? I know I want to grow for you, grow with you! We'd make the most be the most beautiful garden. And that is the funny thing. For now, I don't see myself doing anything else with anyone else besides you.

And that very thought is driving me off a cliff.

If you told me to get on my hands and knees, best believe I'd do it in a heartbeat. There is a privilege I want to earn to indefinitely remain in your good graces. I don't want to give you my heart! I don't want to give anyone my heart! I want to make room for you in my heart. But are you willing to take the vacancy?

I'm weary from getting fed up all in these thoughts of you and of me and of what could fucking be, but I think I'm going to surrender to the powers at play. I may know so little of what my future could hold for me, but I know- I wholeheartedly know that what I'm going through getting trapped by you is palpable and carnal. 

All I ask is that you open those dilated pupils of yours a little wider and regard the afflictions we both face, the same calamity that I am more open about expressing.

If you could let me in - let me break down one of your walls and you can break down one of mine! And we'd be even and maybe we'd be able to close the void, maybe we'd be able to unveil all those unjust past transgressions we committed against ourselves. Maybe our greatest sins will be our brightest and best miracle. I know that you're not going anywhere anytime soon, but I just want to… if could let me… maybe…