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Matrimonial Machinations

by Michael Lenzy 5 years ago in humor / marriage / satire / pop culture
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Are you America's Favorite Couple?

Photo by Dana Rothstein, courtesy of Dreamstime Stock Photos

Matrimonial Machinations

"If you had listened to me, we would have been here on time!" Lena snapped as she struggled to adjust the sash on her coral sundress. Edward freely exercised his right to remain silent. Thirteen years of marriage had produced four wonderful children, along with enough arguments to last a lifetime. He knew that they had a snowball's chance in hell of winning $200,000 on the latest reality show, Love and Marriage, but it was worth a shot. Edward could only hope that the other couples would make them look like the Ozzie and Harriet viewers were looking for.

Lena blushed red hot as she and Edwards took their seats at the get to know you mixer. Edward NEVER listened to her. She did not like to be late, but Edward seemed to be allergic to punctuality. Not that the other couple already seated at the table would notice. They were too busy chatting away on their cell phones.

"Now remember Carmani, wash the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. If you don't, I WILL know." She gently tapped her cell phone off and gazed across the table.

"And you would be?" She snipped, bringing a martini glass to her crimson red lips.

"I would be Mrs. Scott, and this is my husband," Lena replied, pointing a hitchhiker thumb toward Edward.

"Dunning, Vivian, and this is Blake." Her silver bracelets jingled as she rubbed his shoulder. He continued to write and chat away on his phone. "From the law firm of Dunning, Meyer, and Douglas. L.A. based, and your field"?

Edward was glad Vivian's phone rang before either of them could answer. He could hear voices as another couple entered the dining room.

"But Equinox, these draperies should be open so we can feel all of this delicious sunshine!" She snatched open the drapes and stood in the window, hugging herself with her eyes closed.

"Equi who?" Lena whispered to Edward.

"Equinox," the man responded, slowly approaching the table. "And that's my beautiful wife, Enigma." They were both dressed in long lavender tunics and flip flops. Edward choked on his laughter when Lena kicked him under the table.

"Nice to meet you," Ed coughed.

"Are you ingesting animal flesh?!" Enigma questioned, her eyes flashing. "A strictly vegan diet is much better for your colon."

"I'll keep that in mind," Lena scowled, taking another bite of her drumstick.

"Honey, why don't we eat in this space on the carpet? This table seems so...so..."

"Restrictive?" Equinox answered.

"Yes! Yes! You know me so well!" she squealed, clapping her hands excitedly.

Edward and Lena could barely contain themselves as they watched Mr. and Mrs. no last name dine on mango, cucumber, and flax seed. Edward quickly lost interest when a petite, buxom blonde entered the room, walking on her bare heels. He felt a harder kick from Lena under the table.

"Ke-viiiiinn, my arms feel a bit sticky, and my toe nails are still wet!" she whined, plopping down in the chair next to Edward.

"Kyla, I told you to exfoliate with a brush, not the loofah!" Lena was mesmerized by the handsome, athletic stranger seated next to her.

"Kevin Harper," he said extending his hand to her.

Edward reached across his suddenly speechless wife. "We're the Scotts."

"Whoa! You've got a firm hand shake! Do you work out?" Kevin asked.

Edward stuck out his chest. "Kind of, I'm in construction."

"Is that a new work out?" Kyla asked.

"Don't you know that spray tans are poison!?" Enigma yelled from the floor.

Kyla giggled. "I don't eat it silly!" Lena choked on her water.

"Pilates, yoga, botox, colonics, we do it all," Kevin added.

"How many grams of fat are in this salad dressing?" Kyla asked.

"Cell phones give you brain cancer!" shouted Equinox.

"Keep it down you dull, clueless hippy!" Blake shouted back.

"So much negative energy! We need to align all of your chakras! Enigma announced, rising from the floor.

"Ooooh, I love Chaka Khan!" Kyla clapped.

"Don't even THINK of touching me!" Vivian snorted.

Edward and Lena rose from the table, slowly backing away from the melee unfolding before them. Lena was suddenly glad that Edward had been too lazy to take their bags upstairs. They almost made it to the car before they were stopped by two gentlemen.

"Mr. and Mrs. Scott? I'm Todd Woodhouse, and this is my accountant, Jeffery Shah. We would like to present you with this check for $200,000. Any couple smart enough to walk away from that colorful scene is a winner in my book!"

Just then, Enigma burst through the mansion doors, followed closely by a high-heeled and angry Vivian.

"Gimme back that phone, you seed nibbling twit!"

humormarriagesatirepop culture

About the author

Michael Lenzy

So excited to be here! I have a passion for writing, and I look forward to sharing my work with so many amazing writers! Enjoy!

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