Love (Part 2)

Love (Part 2)

Before I get started I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read part one, I’m so grateful and I’m hoping it’s helped or had an impact in someway.

Now, I just want to add, there is A LOT that went down between Lily and I, personal things that I won’t ever mention on here because it just wouldn’t be fair, things are better left unsaid and it’s going to remain that way, I hope you can all understand but it’s for the best.

Lily.

The love of my life.

I’m 23 in August and I’ve known Lily for two and a half years. We were in a relationship for a year and a half of that. We’ve been apart, together, further apart, nearly together again and now, sadly, we’re apart again. Potentially forever, I don’t know. That’s how things are at the moment but I’m not here to talk about that, I’m here to talk about the rollercoaster ride of a relationship we shared.

We met in December 2016, not long after Christmas actually, we went on a date, it went well and I stupidly, ghosted her for a while. It wasn’t until New Years that I realised; I fucked up. Big time. I was missing out on someone truly special so I had to change that.

We blossomed into a loving couple. Car rides together, dates all the time, movie nights in, intimate moments, my first ever holiday with a girlfriend. A lot of firsts happened with Lily, something I’ll always be thankful for.

During our time together, we were tested, A LOT. Lily and I are both fiery. We’re both combustible and we’re stubborn. Before Lily I’d never really had a long term relationship, five or six months at most, Lily and I ended up being together for eighteen months, my longest relationship to date. So, it was all new for me, devoting myself to someone, being so completely honest that I didn’t have anything to hide but me being me, I hid things, I lied, I made mistakes. I always thought that if a relationship had no arguments, you were golden. Oh I was wrong. So very wrong. For a while we didn’t argue at all, I thought to myself “Wow, this is great” but it wasn’t, things were building up and when we finally argued for the first time, it was heartbreaking. I hated every minute of it. We didn’t talk for days. Literal days, it was a mess.

But, we found our way back, reconciled and got back on track.

Now, fast forward to August and things had been slowly declining for a couple of months now. I had setback after setback and constantly relied on Lily for support and Lily, naturally, couldn’t give me all that support because at the end of the day, Lily had her own life too, studying away, preparing to go off to University, big steps in her life and I was slowing her down.

We broke up. Properly. I moved away, to my sisters. About an hour drive away.

I’ll be honest. It nearly killed me. I was broken. I had nothing, a lot had happened in the space of two months. I was homeless, I found a place, lost that place, found a new one and then eventually it all got too much and I had to go.

I did my absolute best in the following weeks to make sure I could change and be better. We got back together a few weeks after everything had happened and it was like we were a brand new couple. Things were great.

We were making long distance work, I was travelling to see Lily at uni, it actually weirdly helped our relationship because we wouldn’t see each for weeks at a time and then, we’d get a week together and I would cherish every single minute we would share.

We had Lily’s birthday to celebrate, our year anniversary to celebrate, things were incredible.

Until May of 2018 where finally, we ended for good. I’ll cut down the shit, I was the reason. No doubt about that in my mind, I was the reason we ended and it haunts me to this day.

I’ll be honest. I was a prick to Lily in the months after that. I was mean, I was hurtful, I was bitter. I’d lost the most amazing woman and I knew it. She knew it. Everyone knew it. Lily moved on, quickly in my eyes but when I look back on it, it wasn’t quickly at all. She’d given up on the relationship a while before I even knew, in her mind, I was already gone.

Eventually, I found someone else too. Amy. But there was something holding me back. Something telling me in the back of my mind; Lily still cares.

In the wonderful world of social media, everyone can see everything. You can block and you can mute people but it doesn’t work, there’s always a way to relay information. In the months between May and December 2018, we spoke to each other without really knowing we were. Well, I constantly thought I was mis-reading things but it came to light recently that I was indeed, right.

Using Twitter as our messenger, we’d tweet every now and again to get one another’s attention. Or I would tweet in reply to something Lily tweeted. She’d do the same to me.

I know, looking back on it I should’ve acted faster BUT, Lily had a boyfriend. An older guy, someone who I couldn’t compete with. Someone who she was happy with. Who am I to ruin that? I couldn’t do that to her. I had to let go but for some reason, I couldn’t, I can’t.

Lily went through some shit and I happened to see on social media, as you do. I figured this was as good as any to say something to maybe try and get closure.

Looking back on it, my timing was awful.

I offered a friendly ear to Lily, at first, it was met with hostility, naturally. I wasn’t surprised, I accepted it and I tried to handle it.

But, something amazing happened.

We found our way back. We were involved again, in each other’s lives again. We weren’t back together, we knew that wouldn’t happen, it wouldn’t work. As much as it pains me to say it.

Now this is all pretty damn fresh, I’m still kinda reeling from things.

I’ll briefly explain. We want different things. Nothing else really to say on that matter.

At this very moment in time, as I write this, we’re not talking. Not in each other’s lives. I’ll be honest, it sucks. It fucking sucks.

You want to know why?

Why Adam?

Because I still love Lily.

She knows it too and that’s the very reason why we can’t be together again. We want different things. Lily doesn’t love me the way I love her and I have to accept that.

Acceptance. That’s the lesson with this piece.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when we meet a Lily. Or whatever the male version of that name is. Someone who we have a journey with. A love story with. A collection of moments that are unforgettable. But there also comes a time when that person leaves your life, for one reason or another and you have to try and accept that and move on. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve had some bad shit happen in my life. Accepting something heartbreaking will forever be one of life’s great challenges.

Accepting things have changed can benefit you, it can benefit me once I finally come to terms with things. I know that I’m here, preaching about acceptance, but when you love someone the way I love Lily, it’s an uphill struggle.

But, I have accepted a lot, I know now that we love we shared, it was the realest and most passionate love I’ve ever experienced. I know that one day, I’ll have that again, with Lily or someone else, who knows. I know that Lily will have that again one day and I couldn’t be happier about that fact because at the end of the day, Lily being happy is all I could ever want, if someone else makes her happy for the rest of her life, good. At least I know that she’s loved and taken care of, because Lily deserves the world.

This is for you L.