Love (Part 1)

Love and relationships:

(Just a little heads up, it might get real in here, so a little warning for anyone who’s suffered from heartbreak and/or depression.)

Where do I start? I’m 22 years old and I’ve been in love twice. Once when I was 16 and well, I still kinda am. But I won’t talk about that, not yet anyway, there’s quite a bit I’d like to cover before that. So, without further ado, this is my take on love.

Love is tricky. Love is so damn tricky. I used to hate the word, I used to hate seeing people who were in love because I hadn’t experienced it before. I hadn’t seen or felt that sense of pure wonder, until I met Emily. (Side note, her name wasn’t Emily but obviously, I can’t use her real name).

Emily was different. Unlike anyone I had ever met, she had tattoos, her hair was a wild colour, and she had the most incredible hazel eyes. Before Lily I never believed in the whole love at first sight thing but honestly, I was head over heels at the mere sight of her. A quick summary of how I came to meet her: I met her by complete accident, my friend and I met up with some girls, my friend knew them and I didn’t, Emily just happened to come along, funny how things play out isn’t it?

So, we shared looks at each other, we casually flirted, and we parted ways. Well, my friend, and I, and the group. That was it, as far as I knew I would never see her again.

I wasn’t having that, I asked for her number, I got it, and so began our love story.

Our first date will forever be in my memory, it was my first real date and I’ve never been so nervous, well, I have since then but that’s not yet. All that date did was cement my love for her, I was smitten, I had to tell her but something was stopping me: her crippling fear of love and commitment.

Yup, you read it right, I was in love with a girl who didn’t even like the concept of love, and who didn’t want a boyfriend, sounds familiar doesn’t it? If you’ve seen (500) Days of Summer it’ll give you a pretty good sense of what happened. For those who haven’t, I’ll explain.

I was told that she didn’t want a boyfriend, yet there I was, pursuing her anyway. I know I look bad, I know now that I shouldn’t have carried on, but I was 16 and madly in love for the first time. Now, she didn’t know any of this, Emily was blissfully unaware that I was in love with her. I saw my future with her, I could actually picture things happening in our future. We went on another date and we kissed. For the very first time, I was in shock. I really was. Although, some words stuck with me before we kissed.

She said, “Don’t overthink this,” before we did, and naturally, I did just that.

What did it mean? What did this mean for us? Did she feel the same way and that’s how she told me? Millions of questions were flowing through my head after that day.

But something happened, something I still can’t explain, Emily changed. Emily changed towards me, towards life, everything. The path we were on was fading away and I didn’t know it. I was too wrapped up in my own feelings, wrestling this thing called love. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to tell her.

I call Em, she answers. Something is wrong I know it, there’s a coldness between us and I can feel it. I say “I have something to tell you.”

I’ll let you into a little secret. I was shitting myself. At the time, I had never been so terrified.

Emily asks me to tell her. So I do, I spill my heart, I cry, I laugh, I admit everything.

And what happened next will haunt me forever.

Emily hung up. There was a moment of silence and when that moment finished, so did we. My heart broke in two. I had never experienced pain like that before, I’ve dealt with loss, I’ve dealt with pain. But not like that, not so fast and not so searing.

Emily and I wouldn’t see or speak to each other for four years after that. I wish I was lying about that, but I’m really not. I lived out my teenage years into an adult and she did the same, she went to uni and met someone truly special, so did I, we’ll get to her another time, now I haven’t just sat here and spilled my heart to you guys too, there’s a lesson here. There’s advice in here too.

I can’t stress enough, you need to follow your heart. Follow it until you can’t anymore, listen and learn. I look back on us all the time, I often wonder what I could’ve done differently, and I know what I could’ve done. I could’ve told her earlier, I could’ve stopped things before I developed such intense feelings but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Just, all I ask, if anyone else is going through what I went through, is that you talk about it with someone. If your feelings are eating you alive, talk about it, because I never opened up about how I felt, not to anyone and I regret that. But I’m at peace with the outcome, and so will you be.

Up next: we’ll talk about Lily.