Love Lost

I've always wanted to at least try and control every aspect of my life down to the "t". Whether it be college grades, a lover, even to what I might have for dinner. But sadly, at the age of twenty-two, I understood how this thing called reality works. You see, there is a saying; that time waits for no man. I mean, we all should believe this to be true because we don't have magical powers to make time stop when we won't but, I digress. Moving forward, allow me to let you into my very active mind.

I was about 19 when I first met him. He was intelligent, a hard working man, loved children and even had one of his own, but... I overlooked a lot of things because I was very impressionable. At the age of twenty, I decided that he was going to be my "forever" so, I gave him something that I cherished and can never get back. Three years went by, and in those three years I was gas-lighted, manipulated, cheated on, belittled, didn't feel good enough, and depression was at an all time high.

I couldn't understand how a man who was almost a decade older than me, was that immature. Never wanted to even understand the error in his ways. Not to mention, he'll blame you and somehow flip the whole story back on you to make it seem like it was your doing. I admit, I wasn't perfect in the relationship but, I was a young woman who was naive; hanging on to the words that he said. A man who knew that I will always come running back; knowing just what to say in order to keep me stuck.

He was never going to tell me about the other women. Instead, I had to do searching because my intuition told me something didn't feel right. Then my world came crashing down. After we both made up; starting anew, he decided to start a relationship with another women. I sent her a message, you know; introducing myself and making sure that I get my facts straight. Instead of checking the man, she came at me.

All he did was sit and tell me, "Please stop messaging her." He defended her and obviously she controlled him because I was trying to call him to clear things up and he didn't pick up his phone. Instead, she told him when to pick up the phone and talk to me. But his such an, "Alpha," like he portrayed himself to being. So, I decided to call his sister, "Hello, yeah...did you know that so in so, has a girlfriend?!" His sister was on the other line, "WHAT?! MOM YOU KNOW SO IN SO HAS ANOTHER WOMEN?!....is she there with him right now?" I replied back, "YES!"

Soon as I said that, their mom was headed for his apartment. From what the mom told me, she banged on the door and he let her in. She slapped him on the back and asked him, "Where did you learn to be so disrespectful to women? You were raised in a house filled with women?!" His reply was,"I learned that from you." She then looked towards the other women, "If you stay...you're a fool," then proceeded to walk out of the apartment. Their mother apologized and told me to get my life back on track and live. So, I did.

The last thing I can remember telling so in so was this, "Yes, you hurt me...but the person you are hurting the most is your son. His sitting back watching women go in and out of his life while daddy doesn't have his shit together. While this man is broken inside, how can you be fit to lead? How can you be fit to have any wives and you haven't fixed yourself?" I never would've thought that something like this incident would have happened to me. This was a love lost, in lies, arguments, gas-lighting, manipulation, depression. But, after the storm, there was the sun.

I woke up, started to see that I had to gain my power back. Understanding that life waits for no one. In order to seek happiness, you have to do the things that will put you in a better mood. So, I would write, maybe even draw. I got the chance to get to know someone that loved me for me. Who pushed and continues to motivate me. A man that wasn't the past put the future. A breath of fresh air.