Love is to be still, not falling

I didn’t fall in love with you.

I didn’t fall at all.

With you, I never had that abrupt, unsteady, terrifying leap of faith that when I took that next step and fell into that unknown abyss, that falling would be my next step—- no, I didn’t need to fall for you at all, because I had already fallen too many times.

Instead, I was carried.

Not like in Space where I have mainly resided(without much recourse to leave permanently), with no air and almost no light, wishing that the Stars could keep me company, yet they would only die, and I would be alone, again.

There, I was always terrified. And I was always falling.

Before you came into my sphere of existence, changing the way I expressed myself, I always felt as though every movement, every lurch forward... was captured in motion. I was trapped in the certainty of perpetual motion, pained yet never ceasing and I dreamed of being still. Absolutely and impossibly still.

When I felt that rush... those bursts of unimaginable warmth seep into my whole being, I immediately was still, as I knew these strong feelings I had for you were extremely dangerous for someone like me who wasn’t a true resident of the earth.

It was dangerous yet it felt safer than anything else in the entire universe.

I didn’t just love you, I was a part of you. I felt we were two parts of one whole, a dream that we continued with each wavelength of our existence and I was utterly in state of rapture because I had found it—-I had found someone that I knew would understand me. You.

In dreams, in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean, where I wouldn’t even need to close my eyes to have that blissful pitch blackness, I would still feel that connection of stillness between us, after every communication, and I knew that you could lead me to peace.

My dearest, my sweetest, my love.

My Junichuri.

I had seen you by the beach many times as I barely skimmed the surface of the ocean, and looking at the shadows of your eyes, your somber look, I felt your loneliness like I felt mine—-I was compelled to try and get your attention. I heard you singing one morning, and I smiled softly, wanting you to hear my music. But, you never saw me. I was scared you wouldn’t approve of me.

In the dark galaxy where I mainly resided, I had to go there often to restore my life force, but I could go back to earth for short periods, as a creature of the sea. I was a Mer-creature and I had been fortunate enough to be able to move around to different oceans and places to know of others, and to learn more of their ways.

Of human ways.

I had known of the Sumerians, of the Egyptians, and then for a long stretch of time, I stayed far away from people. I felt they were very dangerous. Not only toward my people, but to themselves.

My own people were dying off, and I was one of the only ones left. With my people, we bounced off one another like a small percentage of atoms—-swift and flustered, running past each other in a flurry and never truly having connections. It was not how we were, to be together.

But, with you, Junichuri, it was only stillness, and calm. I only wanted you, yet I didn’t know how to express it.

My vision is different than human vision. I can manipulate particles at the subatomic level, and I see cells, DNA, atoms, at a level that is unparalleled to anything else that humans can see.

My Junichuri, I long to hold you more closely than anyone could ever imagine, yet at the very mention of touch, I know that the atoms that make up the tips of your fingers, and of mine, cannot actually ever really hold together the way I ever truly desire it to be, but I still long for it.

I know that there are atomic forces preventing any real touch. They repel, and the resistance is so strong—-we only have the illusion of grip. Of touch. Of feeling.

But I know that what we have is something that delves deeper than regular human touch, and sight, and sound, and taste.

It’s like magic.

As magical as a Star dying, and with its last death throes, it’s last burst, it’s last bit of energy, all of its energy— to slowly die off, it will fuse iron, to create beautiful metals—-the kind I extracted for your poor friend. That gold is magic.

And that same magic is what we have.

After many communications through my black seaweed pressed paper book, we both wanted to see each other, finally.

That was brilliant, as I so longed to see you, and it truly made me feel dizzy with happiness.

But, it was not meant to last.

I had to leave due to other humans being aware of my presence and of creating a disturbance, and I created a storm to stave off any other onlookers.

Right before that, I kissed you, and I never felt as free as I did than being there, right in that perfect moment, never realizing how much I needed to be with you in that way. To show you my feelings that were stuck inside me for so long, it hurt, but it felt so bittersweet and euphoric.

It was ethereal, magical, and I knew we were both synchronized like a dream watch that never ceased its movement (because we kept it going with our combined heart beat)—-my heart and yours were both very still and I felt our breath collide, and touch was reimagined for us. Touch was changed.

It was real, and it was something no one could feel but us.

I told you we might be able to reconnect, one day, and be together.

Once I had be pulled(to revitalize my inner force) into my gas cloud of particles and bursts of energy and darkness, I felt myself changing.

I felt the lull that I usually felt in Space charge up inside of me as something much more potent.

I was angry. I was discontent.

I have never felt that way.

In my heart, a massive strain of melancholy hit me, seeing you sob for me and try to hold unto me so desperately as I left earth. It tore my being into tiny fragments that were all used up and dismantled, and I knew I had to go back.

But, as someone who could be there for you.

So, years went by. It felt like a thousand years—-every day that was away from you—-felt too long.

Slowly, I melded, changed and altered my electrons, my atoms, my entire being—- to form not as a being of light and sound anymore in Space, but as a human being. You told me you never cared of my form. Male or female—-you loved me. I took no short cuts, but I tried my very hardest to become this permanent person—-now tethered to earth, to you.

Soon, I will be with you again, Junichuri.

Drinking in the sunlight, basking in the moonlight.

And we will never fall again, for I will carry you, and you will carry me. That is what love means to me.

Just like in my dreams—-where darkness and light linger together and mingle, where reds and blues and whites collide, and we can see in fantasy, and hold each other again, but in the most purest form of romance.

Yours, Akiho.

————-

Author note: My start of a sequel to Chameleon, also posted on my Vocal account. These people mean a lot to me. I love them dearly. Please heart this and maybe leave a tip if you like it! Thank you!!!