Love and Labels
How sexuality can be confusing
In middle school, I realized I liked girls more than I liked boys. I never was ashamed of my sexuality or confused. I knew I liked girls.
I identified as lesbian for the years to come. My friends were confused because I would think boys were attractive but had no desire to pursue any type of relationship, sexual or romantic, with them. I only wanted that with another girl.
My first girlfriend, C.H., only proved to me more that I knew I liked girls. We only dated for a few months and broke up because we were both young and didn’t know much about relationships.
Years went on without speaking to each other and when we did reconnect through social media, C.H. came out as a trans male.
I wasn’t surprised nor was I going to be judgemental towards him. I just wanted him to be happy. So when he met me at a coffee shop with facial hair and a deeper voice, I thought I was meeting a whole new person.
As we talked in an empty coffee shop, awkwardly trying to make conversation and sip our iced coffees, we felt disconnected. It was only until I started complaining about my car troubles and he wanted to help.
Even though he owed me none of his help, he took me to a car shop to get what I needed for my car and took over the job of fixing it. The person that I once knew was starting to come through his new persona.
From there on, we kept in touch. It was no surprise to me when he came to visit me at my college dorm hall and spent the weekend with me. When I went home for spring break, he opened his home to me and spent all his free time with me.
I knew from that point my love for him was growing. I didn’t know how to react when I was getting romantic feelings for him. But what did this mean for me?
I always identified as lesbian but I was starting to fall in love with a man. My head was confused and I pushed the thought of it to the back of my mind. I just wanted to spend time with him.
Sexuality is not set in stone and as humans we can change our label as we grow. My love for him was stronger than my need for a label on my sexuality.
He was my first girlfriend and my last boyfriend.
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