Loud Silence

I had a really deep, intense conversation with my best friend of ten years. Katie, remember her from my Ended Another Friendship story? She's the one who saved me the last few months in California. Well, one night we had one of our deep, intense conversations that we rarely have. We're both the same, very up beat, happy, would do a lot for our family and friends, and just be there. It's rare we have these types of conversations. This one lasted from nine at night to close to eight in the morning.

It all started with a song she heard on her radio on her way home from work. She told me I had to listen to it, because she knows I have been fighting depression for years. She knew I would understand what this song meant. I'm not going to lie to you, hearing that song almost brought me to tears. It's very rare that a song does that to me. I love music, it helps me escape. But this song definitely put me in another state of mind.

I discovered a lot of new things about Katie that night. How she really feels when she's on a deployment. Or when she has to go on a boat. I email her when she's on the boat, because I want to make sure she's okay. To let her know that she has her family and friends waiting for her. That she's not alone. That night we told we each other that we always felt alone no matter what.

We could be surrounded by our friends and family having a good time. But still feel alone. Then, when we are alone, the silence creeps in. How can silence be so loud? How can the quiet just take over your mind? How does it just be so loud we couldn't bear it? Those were the questions we had no answers to.

We also both told each other that we saved each other and we didn't know it. She wanted to kill herself a few years ago, but I came into the room and she put the gun down. I was in Michigan, and I had a bottle of Jack Daniels and pain killers. I was ready to end it, then I got two text messages. One from my ex girlfriend. The other from her. I answered the one from her first.

Even then we saved each other. Yet, we both are struggling with the silence. We both put on this mask to show the world that we're okay. But we both know that we aren't. But we put on that mask anyway, because out of all of our friends we're the strong ones. We don't have to be, but we are. We're the ones everyone turns to for advice.

We're the ones our friends turn to when they want to have a good time. We're the ones that take care of our friends if they end up too drunk. For ten years, that's who we have been. It was this conversation that we saw each other in a different light. She saw me as some one who is strong, but still struggles with my demons. I saw her as this happy person that grew up and became mature, but has a lot more going on that she lets on. We both were struggling and didn't want to vent to each other.

For years we did that. Until that night. We just kept talking. Letting everything out. Ten years of friendship unleashed. Now, we're stronger, and better than ever. We finally got our matching tattoos.

It was her idea about five years ago. She asked if I knew what a book series was and I told her I was in love with the books. That's when she brought up the idea. I never thought she would get a tattoo with me. We finally did, the week before I left California. I have eleven tattoos and this tattoo is my favorite one. The silence is still loud.

It's going to be loud. I can't change that. It happens, and sometimes I can't stop it. She tells me the same thing. But there are times where it isn't so loud. It's calm. But those days are rare.

There's days where it's so loud I can't close it out. I close my eyes and I breathe hoping that it goes away. Being in the silence is scary. I constantly have some sort of noise going on in the background at all times. It's so I don't get lost in that silence again. I don't like being in that place. There's too much.

It's hard to break out of. But piece by piece we're chipping away. We're breaking it down. We're trying to get out of it. We're fighting harder than ever. We have more to live for. More things to do and see.

The silence can be so loud that we have to drown it out. Why does it always have to be so loud? Silence shouldn't be loud. But yet it is. We can't find the answers why. We don't want to know, because it's in our minds. Being alone, in our minds, in the silence is one the scariest places I've ever been.

I don't ever want to hear the silence ever again.