Looking Back Now

My life started out like any other girl’s life. Normal. I was a little girl from a small Kentucky town with big dreams. And my biggest dream was Jenson James. The only thing that separated Jenson and I was a dirt road, and even then, it did a horrible job keeping us apart. We were always with each other. I can’t remember a time in my childhood when Jenson wasn’t there. I loved him before I even knew what love was. I loved the mischievous glint in his green eyes, I loved when he scrunched up his freckled nose if he tasted something he didn’t like, but most of all I loved him. He loved me because I was the only girl in first grade who was as good at basketball as him.

I still remember the exact day our friendship became more. We were walking home from our first day of seventh grade, and out of the blue, Jensen grabbed my hand, pulled me close and kissed me. After that, it was unspoken. We were together. From seventh grade until the end of senior year, Jenson James was my whole world.

The entirety of our senior year, J.J. and I had a plan to get married right after graduation. All year, I worked at a hardware store, O’Malley’s Hardware. I saved every dime I had. I was saving for our new life together. I even got accepted into Columbia University, but I ultimately turned it down to be with him.

It was the second to last day of our senior year and Jenson was walking me home as usual. I knew something was wrong. When I asked, he said he had to break up with me. The rain that day was pouring down on us, I couldn’t tell if he was crying or if it was the rain.

I ran home and packed all of my things. When my parents were at my graduation the next day, I took all of my savings, wrote them a note, and skipped town. I got a one way ticket to New York and never looked back. Eventually, I started at Columbia in the fall and worked my way through college and law school. Fast forward ten years and I’m a successful lawyer who has only visited home three times since then. I wanted to see my parents, but there were too many painful memories in that town. It was hard to go back.

A car speeding past jolted me back to reality. It had been a while so I decided I should visit again. Surprisingly, my law firm had very little work, so I took two weeks off and visited my parents.

Finally, after a fifteen hour drive, I pulled up to my house. Part of me wanted to turn right back around and drive another fifteen hours back home, but the other part of me knew I had to be here to face my past. I needed closure and I needed to heal.

Before I could knock on the door, it swung open. “My Alice is home! Five years is too long!” My mom stood in the doorway and embraced me tightly. She was wearing blue cutoffs and a lavender tee shirt. Her graying hair was tucked behind her ears, and she had a wide grin on her face. I’d forgotten her southern drawl until she spoke. “Hi Ma. I’ve missed you too.” I hugged her back. “Five years and not a lot of phone calls in between is inexcusable.” She put her hands on her hips. “Well Ma, it goes both ways. I call when I can, but you and Dad haven’t visited me either.” I walked past my mom and set my duffel bag down on the kitchen table. “Oh hon, you know your father and I hate traveling.” She waved both hands towards me and grabbed my duffel bag off the table and headed towards my old room. I rolled my eyes at her excuse and followed down the hallway.

“Where’s Dad?” I asked, sitting on my bed. My mom sat next to me. “He drove all the way into Louisville, he wanted to get you a steak dinner to welcome you home. He’ll be back in about an hour.” She smiled and patted my leg. “Do you know who comes around here often?”

“Ma, please. I don’t want to talk about Jenson.”

“Jenson? Honey, everybody in this town calls him J.J. and you know it. Good gravy, you dated the boy for damn near seven years and y’all were engaged and you have to call him by his Christian name?” She tsked at me disapprovingly. “We only dated for five years. From seventh to twelfth grade.” I corrected her. “And technically, we didn’t date at all. He never officially asked me to be his girlfriend or took me out on any dates. So I don’t even count those five years.” I shrugged and stood up. “Those years counted and you know it. Everyone in this town knew you two loved each other. I ain’t ever seen another two people more in love. Your heart beat for J.J. and J.J. alone.” My throat tightened and I had to blink tears away. “Well it’s all in the past and he broke my heart, so it doesn’t matter how we felt about each other.” My voice wavered and I looked away. I didn’t want her to see that I was still affected, even after ten years. “That boy was hurtin’ bad. He might have broken your heart, but his heart broke too.” She said, standing up and putting a hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged away. “Ma, I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” I walked back out to the kitchen.

“Fine, we’ll talk about whatever you want to talk about, but first, I need a favor.” My mother smiled lightly as I raised my eyebrows.

“What?”

“Well I need you to run down to O’Malley’s and get me some mulch before your father gets home.”

“Mulch? Ma? I just got home. I’ve been driving fifteen hours.”

“Then what’s fifteen more minutes? Honey, I threw my back out last week and I can’t carry it. And your father is getting older and he can’t carry it either.” She tapped her fingernails on the granite countertop. “Okay fine. I’ll go. I just don’t have any room to put it in my car.” I crossed my arms. “Well Darlin’ you can take Big Red. He’s in the garage.” She tossed a set of keys to me from off the counter. “Big Red? That truck is older than me.” I started towards the door. “Big Red doesn’t talk back like you, so we keep him around.” I rolled my eyes and opened the front door. “Oh Alice, I forgot to tell you, O’Malley’s is under new management. So you’ll have to ask for the manager and he’ll take you to the mulch.” I nodded and left.

I was still surprised that I knew the way to the hardware store, even after ten years. It was going to be difficult going back there. Jenson and I worked in the store together for three years. The memories started flooding back as I pulled into the parking lot. Taking a deep breath, I opened the front door. The bell jingled loudly, startling me. I didn’t see anyone behind the register, but I did see a man squatting down a couple feet away. He was wearing light blue wranglers, black leather cowboy boots, and a Buffalo plaid flannel shirt. I almost didn’t want him to turn around, I was enjoying the view so much. “Hey are you the manag—“ my words died in my throat when the man turned around.

He looked exactly the same as I remember. Just ten years older and with a thick black beard. “J-Jenson?” I stuttered, taking a step back.

“Alice? Wow. You look great.” He was obviously as surprised as I was. It took everything inside of me not to turn and run. “U-um, I’m looking for the m-manager.” I cursed myself for my continuing stutter. “I actually own the place now. What can I help you with?” He was still a little shocked I could tell, but he was acting nonchalant. “I need mulch.” It was alarming seeing Jenson after all this time. And it was even worse seeing that he had aged like a fine wine.

“Old Mr. O’Malley left me this place and I couldn’t say no. There’s just too many memories. Every time I walk in here, it reminds me of you.” He looked intently at me. “I just came for the mulch, I didn’t know you were here.” I said quietly. How dare he act like I’m the one that left him with only memories. He’s the one that smashed my heart and left me to pick up all the pieces.

He took a couple steps closer to me. “Alice. I am so sorry. I’ve never gotten the chance to say how sorry I am. I’ve never been able to explain myself—“

“Explain what?” I interrupted him “How you broke up with me out of the blue, right before graduation. After we had made plans to live the rest of our lives together?” The back of my throat started hurting like it does when I’m about to cry. “I’m not making excuses, but you should know why I broke it off with you.” Tears welled in his eyes. “I had found out the week before graduation that my mom was dying of cancer.” He stopped talking for a moment, and I put a hand up to my mouth in horror. “I wanted so badly to be with you. But I couldn’t marry you, take care of you, watch my mom die and watch my dad drink himself to death too. I had too much on my shoulders at eighteen and I couldn’t drag you down with me.” Jenson’s voice quivered as a tear streaked down my cheek. “You know, I came to New York. About six years ago. Your ma gave me your address and I saw you standing on your apartment balcony. You were wearing a tight black dress with little white flowers on it. The sun was shining on you, and the wind was blowing through your hair. You looked so happy and I couldn’t be the one to break you again. So I left.”

I let out a sob. Jenson had come for me? I didn’t know what to think or feel. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have left when things got hard.” We both reached out at the same time and embraced. I felt complete again, like I had found my other half.

A couple hours later, we were laying in the back of Big Red, looking up at the stars. “You know, being back here reminds me of junior prom. We didn’t even make it to the dance, we jumped into the back of Big Red. That was the first time either of us had ever—” I interrupted him with a cough before he said something that would make me blush. “Ooh, do you know what would make this date even better?” He piped up quickly. “This is a date?” I asked, smirking. “Our first date. I never took you on one officially. This is it. I’ll be right back.”

He returned after a few minutes with two glass cups and a bottle of wine. “Would you like a fine glass of Merlot?” He asked in a fake British accent. I nodded happily. He handed me the wine and sat back down next to me. I leaned my head against his shoulder and sipped my glass of Merlot. Closing my eyes, I thought to myself, I could get used to this.