Long-term unemployed daughter immediately goes out to find a job after her mother says "you support me"

The company announced: subsidies instead of staff salaries and normal working hours.

Ting, who was responsible for running the self-publishing media, went on strike in a fit of anger.

Previously she had been running the company's headline number independently by herself from scratch, gaining 20,000 fans in six months, and now had 50,000 fans on that account.

A colleague, W, suggested she quit her job and do it herself.

Tina said.

Not yet. My daughter doesn't have a job at home, so both of us can't have any income.

Tingting's daughter graduated from university more than two years ago and is quite capable, but she changes jobs too often. Her daughter quit again before the Spring Festival and has been at home with no income because of the epidemic.

More than a year ago, Tingting had the intention of going freelance, but unfortunately it was,s put on hold every time because her daughter's job was not stable. She always said.

I'll wait until my daughter's job is stable.

Why does the phrase "I'll do my own thing when my daughter's job is stable" sound so familiar?

I remembered that many mothers often say the same thing.

I can't take care of my children now because they are too young, so I will do what I want to do when they are older and independent.

Is that the case?

When the children are too young and everything needs to be taken care of, mothers always say that when the children are older, they will start doing what they want to do.

As it turns out, when the child gets older, walks, and runs, mothers have more to worry about.

They are afraid that their children will fall, bruise or get sick, that they will touch things, and that they will be too busy looking after their children and preventing them from doing this or that, but they still can't do anything for themselves.

This is when mothers say: "I'll do what I want to do when the children go to school.

When the children do go to primary school, mothers start to worry about their studies again, worrying that their children won't do their homework, that they won't be liked by their classmates, that they will get complaints from teachers, etc.

Mothers seem to be so worried about their children, and even about everyone else in the family, that they forget about their own needs.

Mothers think that they are responsible for their families and children by being devoted to them.

But what they get in return is often not what they want: it seems that people don't appreciate her and take her for granted. This makes mothers feel aggrieved and miserable.

Why do you give so much and not get the results you want?

Let's look at it from the child's point of view.

How would you feel if your mother was often like this, worrying about everything for you, with her eyes and mind on you?

You must have felt a sense of pressure and discomfort, and even a sense of suffocation.

When you were little, your mother wouldn't let you touch or touch anything, warning and hinting in a panic that there was danger everywhere:

You ran and jumped and mummy was on her guard. Mum was worried that you would fall, get hurt, and even stop and interfere with your many moves.

that when you try to do something, mum snaps up and does it for you.

When you asked for something, mum chose it for you and brought it to you.

Over time, you begin to feel that the world is dangerous and you are weak; you feel that your mother is omnipotent and I am incompetent; you feel that you can't do anything without your mother.

You will feel that you don't feel right in front of your mother, as if she is the one who knows more about your inner needs.

A lot of people say, "That's how we came to be as children, that's how much mum loves you."

See, the experience of being a child has made them mentally acquiesce to the idea that "children can't do anything, they can't do anything well, only their mothers can".

So we see that when the children are going out, many mothers will tell them in advance: "It's a new day, bring an umbrella. It's cold outside, wear more clothes." They even tell you how many clothes to wear.

The child thinks to herself.

Don't I know that I need an umbrella? I don't know if I'm cold, so do you have to tell me how to dress?

Then they may feel guilty: "Mummy is doing this for my good, how can you think that?" So they deny their feelings and accept their mum's arrangements.

There is an implicit narcissism in the way mothers behave: they feel that their children cannot live without them and worry that they will not be able to live well without them.

This is the mother's subconscious inability to leave her children.

When the child tries to do something on his or her own, the mother is already running ahead of him or her: that's not the way to do it, let me do it!

When mothers kill the child's sense of self-efficacy with this "I can do it, you can't" model, the child becomes lazier and lazier and they do nothing but wait for their mother to do it.

Mothers succeed in making their children completely dependent on them, and many nibblers are created.

This is how many parents, again and again, give up their dreams and the life they want to lead and become people who live for their children.

What mothers get in return for such sacrifice and dedication is often not the gratitude and respect of their children, but rather the demands and resentment of their children.

As children grow up and their needs increase, mothers become more and more powerless and their children become resentful and discontented.

Why can't you ever start doing what you want to do and enjoy your own life?

Because you lose yourself and have to focus your attention and energy on others.

Many years ago, a colleague of mine found the customer service job she was doing boring and she wanted a new job.

Then a great opportunity to change jobs came up, but she said, "My husband is not in a good mood this time, so I will consider it when he is stable."

Later, when her husband's situation stabilized, she put the job change on hold again because "a friend said it didn't seem to make sense to keep doing that job".

Later on, she wanted to open a teahouse, but thought, "I'd rather wait until my children go to university".

Thus, under the influence of various "other people's factors", she never did what she wanted to do. Eventually, she admits, "I don't know what I want to do, but I know what I don't want to do."

Is this like the state of many mothers?

Many mothers seem to have given up on their dreams because of their families and children. It is because there is no ego, they don't know what they want to do and they don't believe they can make it, so they focus their energy on others.

A person without a self is unable to trust others because they cannot trust themselves.

When we put our minds on others and give up on what is important to us, be alert to the possibility that your sense of omnipotent narcissism is manipulating you.

Thinking that others can't do anything without you is narcissism.

In the TV show Teenage Boys, Lin Miaomiao's mother is narcissistic. Miaomiao is now in high school, but her mother is constantly worried about her not being able to take care of herself, worrying about everything for her, making her want to run away.

How do you get out of this situation? It's simple. Learn to trust and show weakness.

When you believe that your child is 'okay' and learn to rely on them in moderation, they will feel valued and needed, and their inner potential and sense of responsibility will be stimulated.

The aforementioned Tina, since she stopped working, has started to think about what she wants to do.

She and her daughter got along quite well and her decision to stop working at home was supported by her daughter in the first place.

Suddenly, the thought came to her that

I can use this time to make my daughter feel that she is needed by me. Wouldn't it be good to foster a sense of responsibility in my daughter and at the same time feel at ease doing my work?

So she said to her daughter.

From now on, I may have to go without an income for a few months. So, I need you to support me during these months.

I didn't expect my daughter to be very quick to reply, "Yes, you can get money from me when you need it! ...... But I need to get a job first."

An unexpected effect occurred.

For the original month or so, it was the daughter who was dependent on her mother. When she had nothing to do at home, she had been living a reversed day and nightlife, sleeping until dark during the day and playing mahjong all night.

On this particular night, uncharacteristically, my daughter went to bed voluntarily before noon.

The next morning, her daughter woke up at 8 am, prepared her documents, wore a mask and went out for an interview, and found a job that day.

Seeing the change in her daughter, Ting Ting's heart began to fill with confidence. She knew she could start doing what she wanted to do.

She then realized that trusting her children and using them willingly had such an incredible effect. It turns out that giving children the opportunity to function is what makes them truly independent. It turns out that when children feel that they can be needed and depended on, a sense of strength and responsibility is created within them.

Of course, all this is based on a good and solid parent-child relationship. It is then that both parties can live independently of each other and yet support each other, each living out their state of being.