Livin’ Through the Fire

Almost two years. 713 days to be exact.

Our first date. Our first kiss. Our first time together. I was nowhere near what I should’ve been to be a man for you, yet you accepted me and treated me as a king. I shouldn’t have accepted this. I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be, but I knew one thing...you were a special woman.

I wanted to be a great man that you could love and not have to worry about. The demons inside would you with my mind during the “witching hours” and toy with me.

“Do it,” they’d say. “You’ll be fine.”

Little did I know the fire from the “sin of the flesh” would consume my mind.

Internal embedding of their ways

The flames dragged me in deep. I would go deeper and deeper like a skin diver looking for a prized fish to spear. Unaware of my own consciousness being swallowed by the flames. I first destroyed an ounce of that special woman I fell in love with. The aftermath of it all - the guilt and shame that followed - the result of giving in.

Im supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to be a man of God. I’m supposed to be better. We’ve been down this road jackass. Is this what you want in your life?

No, I never want this. Remorseful, guilty, self hate. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I’m destined to be. This woman, whom I cherish and love, I destroyed.

I don’t need help. I’m not that fucked up in the head. I’m not one of those men.

My thoughts failedto understand that the demons on the flame have already made themselves a home. Deep in my soul, where all my insecurities and deepest struggles lay, they lay dormant.

But I don’t need help.

They call me

You chose this!

You messaged those women. You broke her heart. You betrayed her trust. You decided to stay up late and made these choices!

YOU!

no one else but YOU!

This is the bed you made. This is the bed you must sleep in. You still believe you don’t need help. You still cling on to the “high” and neglect the true soul longing for your acceptance and love, the one of your wife.

“This isn’t me. This isn’t my life. This isn’t real,” I plead on my knees.

Too late, you’ve done the damage. You’ve succumbed to the lust of your insecure needs. Like a child, you let her down and sabotaged your marriage. You’re done!

“No this isn’t my destiny”

Your actions became your character. Your character becomes your destiny. YOU ARE DESTINED TO STAY ON THIS PATH AND NEVER LEAVE IT!

“NO I NEED HELP”

Alone and disheartened

Here I sit.

A confused shell of the once confident and brash individual which I played myself out to be. Once invincible in my mind, my heart wasn’t on the same page.

I kneel on the ground hands cupped together praying that she doesn’t give up on me like I had given up on myself all those times. I pray for help. I pray for mercy. I pray for forgiveness.

Deep down in my heart. I’m reduced to rubble. I’ve lied inside to myself and destroyed a once beautiful love that had burst through the ashes like a Phoenix. There’s little to no chance for a recovery but I fight internally just for that 1% chance.

My hearts final plea:

Lord, hear the prayer of my heart. I’m broken, lost and confused. I’ve done the one thing I didn’t expect by giving into the demons birthed by flames.

I’ve turned my back and lost you because I felt I could do things without you. I’m lost man. I want my family but inside I don’t think I deserve to even be in their presence. Please help me. Please guide me through my struggles and help me to be a better man for my family. I only want my wife. I only want my family.

Strip me of my business, my passion for fitness, and any other passions I’ve pursued for my career if it means I get one final chance to prove the woman I’ve committed my life to that I am the man made for her.

I don’t care. I won’t fail. I can’t. I can’t fail because I believe you made her for me but I need you. I need her. I need them.

My body is for you and your will. I claim my family’s destiny and submit my life to you! Do as you must to make me the man of God I’m destined to be.

Is love a feeling or a choice?

Majority of you will say feeling. Some may say choice.

I now understand it’s a choice. Especially when it comes to your marriage. Our world is full of choices that make or break relationships and marriages. With divorce rates and heart breaks at an all time high, it’s time to decide as men that our significant others are OUR CHOICES.

I’ve been through counseling and didn’t understand that my ways were a micro version of cheating because I gave in to “the fires.” Your fires may be different than that of my own but whether it’s substance abuse, suicide or lustful ways... it hurts our spouses more than it hurts us. It’s important that we remember who we committed to and that our goals as a human being is in alignment with that of our marriage life.

Choose wisely and God bless you all!