Til Death Do Us Part

I remember the days full of love. I remember the days full of joy. The days were worthwhile before I treated you like a toy.

The days had purpose and passion for each other. The imperfect balance for one another. I carried your heart with my shattered hands. I tried to carry and love you with the heart of a broken man.

It was no one’s fault but my own. I brought in the sins of my past. Hoping and praying that my WILL could power through our crumbled plans.

You showed me grace when I deserved none. I worked hard running what couldn’t be our run. I tried my best, my love, but the pain could not be outdone.

God blessed us with another round of piecing together the life we want. Only to be in the midst of shadows as you danced amongst the sun.

I made it less about us and more about the pain. Held on to control because I felt ashamed.

You don’t deserve to be put through this mess. You deserve love and joy. Above all else, you deserve to be with someone who brings you LIGHT instead of the RAIN.

Years have passed and here we are again. Anger. Bitter. As I acknowledge I’m the one to blame.I can’t promise I’ll be perfect. I’m a human filled with pain. You’re that summer sun and light and I’m the winter rain.

So, God, I give you my wife and my life is yours to control. Do with us as you please even if it breaks my soul.

She deserves the best. Something I couldn’t give her to fill any void, any doubts I lift her to you at will.

The one thing I need at this point isn’t found with the one I’m supposed to love. It’s found by turning to You since I threw our love in the mud.

So, God — if you’re listening— I lift us both to your throne. If your will is to bring death, I’ll accept my faith with open arms.The lies, the cheat, the steals will all come to its end. As I lift my wife up to you til the bitter end.

So, God — if you hear me— Take my hand I plead. Help me to patch myself up and take me to where you lead. I led my marriage here. Which I wish I never had. The pain and the lies of a sinner husband and a dad.

I remember the days full of love. I remember the days full of joy. Our love was pure and full of joy. With God as my witness, I’ll heal the man that was just a boy.

That’s the price it takes when you don’t live with a heart that’s right. You end up dancing with the devil in a losing battle’s might.

You see it wasn’t that I didn’t love you because I know that my love for you was true. It was I couldn’t love myself and for that I hurt you, too.

I fought and clawed until I was blue in the face. Yelling, crying, screaming while I fell to that dark place. I can’t imagine the pain I’ve always put us through. You were begging for faithfulness out of me and I wasn’t able to pull through.

I’ll love you unconditionally and stay within the fight. “Til death do us part” is the words I said that night. It may lead me to love you from afar without the chance to make it right.

So God — if you hear me — as I prepare for the truth to come to life.

Til death do us part

Even if death equals losing my wife.

JC