Life's Experiences

We live our lives by rules created out of our experiences. This usually means that if someone is standoffish, there is a reason. If someone dates people, male or female, that don’t treat them with respect, there is a reason. Our experiences dictate who we are and how we handle situations. This is a story of how my life experiences collided with someone who lived the same but the experience was different in their life.

Our lives pretty much mirrored each other by way of how others treated us and how we felt in those moments. We were both bullied by strangers/classmates and family. Neither of us understood why these things happened. We both wanted to just be kids and have fun and not worry about how someone felt, to avoid a tongue lashing about something as small as our weight. We didn’t understand how family members would do everything they could to beat us down mentally. We didn’t understand how classmates could belittle us just to have fun. What made us so different from all of the others? We were just kids and did not know what we did wrong because it could not be the fact we were born, right?

Growing up, these things seem to have been constant. Getting beat up in school daily, picked on for one reason or another. Family treating me like I was unwanted, when all I wanted to do is play with a new friend, and family is supposed to be the best friends of your life, right? At least that is what they portray in movies and TV. What is a kid to do? Well, I moved a lot. This was a good and a bad thing. The bad is, I would lose any friends I had made up to that point. Geez, I am not even allowed to have friends who make me laugh. Friends who make me forget how others view me. What did I do to deserve this? As a kid, you don’t realize that shit happens and you have to do what you can to keep your family fed and sheltered.

The good thing was that I could reinvent myself. What would happen if I did not take shit from anyone? What would happen if I said the funny thing all the time? Things do change for you socially as you get older. Most of the time, you just settle into a state of normalcy that only changes if some “outsider” comes in. This gives you an idea, as you keep changing “identities”, of how you handle social situations and obstacles. How would you deal with a bully now as opposed to when you were a kid. I would guess differently, because of your experiences and how you have come to handle them. Some people have had way worse than others and their way of handling them is extreme compared to others. No matter what way, your experiences built those rules.

Now, dealing with bullies most of my life, family or classmates, I got to a point where I was able to see what I could do. I lifted weights and used a punching bag, got fit and calmer in the process. I changed the way I spoke to people. I polished my sarcasm to the point that I could just flash a smile and get a laugh. From my experiences though, I was able to hold onto my heart and vowed to not become that which I hated. No matter what life threw at me, I would not remain on the “low road”, as some say.

The reason for saying that is, I came to find out that those who tell you that you are being dramatic or overreacting or being difficult, are usually the ones that have used you the most. What did you do to deserve this fresh new mental hell? You had set a boundary that they ran into. A boundary that they did not have to get through before. They are scared to lose their control over you and, so, they do what they do best, they mentally beat on you, until you sit down. Whatever you do at this point, don’t stop. Don’t give in. Keep going, you are on your way to more confidence in yourself.

Throughout my experiences, the thing that worked the best was beating them at their own game. I had learned that I was in really good shape and pretty athletic, not pro by any means but still I could hold my own. I would play basketball, football, soccer, tennis, baseball, softball and volleyball. I enjoyed being competitive but respectful. If anyone got disrespectful, I would go against them and usually shut them up. This was my reaction to bullies in all aspects of my life. If it was not sports, it was in life. My sarcasm was getting better toward them in class and I could hold my own against them and usually shut them up. I was more confident in myself and what my abilities were.

I never really applied myself in school, even though I had a 4’ nothing Geometry teacher that threatened me if I did not stop skipping her class and still passing the tests. I never saw that side of me, as most kids don’t. I mean, what did she know, she was born an adult teacher and never had to go through puberty or school or anything, right? Yeah, sure. No matter how much we know as teenagers, it is usually not how we imagine it. I cared so little that I failed a grade and still had to do summer school. What the hell was I thinking? Oh yeah, I was not bullied anymore. My social life was starting to get better, who needed school? Oh, the young.

So, even past high school, I tried to keep the same mentality. You want to try to put me down, let me show you how it's done. Sounds good, right? Thinking back, it was not so good. It was not who I was but it was how I survived. It was how I protected myself. Against what though? Other people. I hardly trusted anyone. I kept myself shut off from almost everyone. I mean, even as a young adult, friends would try to screw you over. JESUS!! DOES THIS EVER END!!??

Truthfully? It never ends. You will continue to meet people that just seem to hate the world and anyone trying to succeed. They will try to sabotage your work life, your home life, everything. You can change that and, possibly, them. The key is to keep your confidence.

Now, when some people talk about confidence, they confuse it with being conceited. They are polar opposites in my book. To me and my experiences, being confident means you know you can do it to the best of your abilities and you won’t give up if it gets hard. Being conceded means you will talk a good game but when it comes to “putting up or shutting up”, they tend to make you feel stupid about asking them to prove it. Few can live up to their own mental image of themselves in this area but when they do, a part of them softens. You find out more about that person through these actions. The rest of them usually try to fight you.

Continuing on with life, I get married, have a kid and then get injured on my job. Me? Injured? No way!! I was fit as a fiddle, or as close as a smoker can be. Back injury? Hell no. I prided myself in having a strong back. I admit, I was broken and very down because of this. I was…….limited. I hate being limited and the fight between being limited and being stronger rages to this day. You’ve heard of talking yourself out of something? I fight with this constantly. “You want to workout and get stronger? You remember the last time you did, right? You were sore and in pain for a day. Do you want to relive that? Of course you don’t. Do it later.” or “You do realize that if you do this, you will fail because you can barely keep a thought in your head for longer than this. You will always fail. You are not the man you used to be and you will fail.” It did not help that everyday my loving, yeah, wife at the time would belittle me in front of others and then deny anything ever happened so strongly that I would second guess myself. What happened to the strong minded person? He seems to have vanished. Gone on vacation. Moved and did not leave a forwarding address.

I was, and felt, very alone. Ridiculed everyday about how little I could do. Told daily that I did not care about my family or doing anything for them. I was even made to believe I was addicted to pills because they took the pain away. It felt like I was not allowed to feel comfort because I was not able to be the man I was. Why, though? I still don’t understand it but I have moved on from that mentality and life.

So, to sum things up, I did not take shit from assholes anymore, I used to be able to “put bullies in their place”, then I got knocked down again. I was told, by that same “loving” wife, that I needed to change anxiety drugs whenever I would call her on her bullshit and actually start to remember more and more of shit she pulled. At those times I was “difficult” or I had a “chip on my shoulder” or I “didn’t care or love her and was acting out of character”. Yeah, I guess I was. I saw through her shit and lies and stood up for myself again. I had “grown some balls”, as they used to say. Lesson learned, right? Wrong, I went back to her two more times before ending it completely. Tired and just wanting to love. For real this time.

Enter the scene, my wife now. She is, not because she will read this but because it is true, sweet, caring, loving, good natured, screams at “giant” moths and other insects and guess what? She loves me. She has issues with her own demons and a lot of them mirror my own experiences. Being ridiculed by those you were told love you. Mentally beaten down daily for having an inquisitive mind. These are not things I have just heard but things I have lived through before and with her since being together. Me man, me fix this, right?

Wrong. No matter what she was put through or told or made to feel like, she still loved. I thought I loved with all my heart but I was wrong. She is the foremost spokesperson in this department and in my eyes. My first response to shit that comes up is this: “Fuck them. If they can’t see how much you give them and they still treat you like you are dirt, fuck them. They don’t deserve someone who loves as much as you do. Cut them off.” Sounds like great advice, right? I mean, it “worked” for me all these years, why not. I would also always say this “gem”: “You know, in my family, if you acted like an asshole, you were treated like one. Let me at them and I can set them straight.” Her response: “No. That is not right. I cannot treat someone badly, even if they treat me badly. You don’t understand.”

She was right. I did not understand and at times, I still don’t. One thing I do know though, I love her with every part of my being and she holds my heart, daily, in her precious hands. I trust her. I trust her heart. I also remember being a manager years ago and having an issue with some workers. I would go to the store manager and plead to get help. He looked me right in the eye and told me that if he kept getting them in line FOR me, I would never get their respect. I had to earn that. It was up to me. This battle she goes through, is her battle. I am there to patch her back up and love her so she can keep up the fight.

She has taught me that no matter what someone does to you, you never change who you are. WHAT??!! You mean you don’t get down on their level better than them and show them who's boss? You mean y…...wait a minute. Moment of clarity here. Did I just turn myself into that which I hated most? I was close to it. Not far away at all. So what we have done is combine our experiences and harmonized them, or as I like to say “Bruce Lee’d” it. For those that don’t know, he took the best of each fighting style and made his own. She is setting up more and more boundaries and managing them like a boss and I am becoming more of the man she deserves by realizing that, which I knew all along but was too blind to see: people are not assholes for no reason. Just like people don’t date assholes because it is so much fun. Something in their life taught them, in a sick and twisted way, this was the only way to get the attention they so desperately seeked.

You set up your boundaries with people who treat you like shit. You man those boundaries and give no quarter. You also remain true to who you are. Who we all are. Humans. We are all trying to make our dreams come true in this world of ours, why not help each other succeed instead of pulling each other down. You don’t need to give in to those who want to beat you down, but you also don’t need to beat them down in the process. Do we all have the same skills? Do we all look the same? No and no. Why focus on that? Why not focus on being there for each other, instead of spreading rumors or talking shit behind others backs? Lift each other up and they will help you up when your time comes. She has taught me all of this and I shudder at times when I have a passing thought of her not in my life. We need more like that. More love in this world and more understanding that EVERY ONE of us is battling with something in their life. Let's try to lift them past it.

I always try to tell people: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT IN THE WORLD. BE THE PERSON YOU WANTED IN YOUR LIFE. Not an easy task in the world these days. You must have this new, but totally outdated now, car or phone or tv or computer or whatever it is. Your house is too small. It needs to be as big as you can get. Why? So my family, which I had because of love, right, can be further away from me in a mansion? No! When you spread love, you won’t care what others think of your house. YOUR family is living there, not theirs. YOUR family loves each other there, not theirs. If you are happy with your house or car or phone or whatever, then that is all that matters. Period. End of story. Enter platitude here.

The point of all of this is this, don’t totally judge someone by their actions. You don’t know if they are still in survival mode, or something has been going on or happened in their life that caused this behavior. Unless you are in that person's head, you just don’t know. What do we do though, we honk or say a shitty comment or “mean mug” them or laugh or post a video of them. Think about this, do you know if that person just lost their loved one? Do you know if that person has just regained memories they hid from themselves all these years? No, none of us do. As the meme says, Always smile at people. You never know if that was the only kindness they have seen in awhile.

What does, Be the person you wanted in your life, really mean? I’m glad I asked. Basically it means something along these lines:

You grew up being picked on daily by family and others. You sat there most of your time, alone and scared, trying to come up with reasons to wake up in the morning. BE the person you wanted in your life at that moment. BE the person that would have stuck up for you when no one else did. BE the person that you could have confided in and did not make fun of you like others did.

You grew up poor and no matter what happened, people wanted to beat you down for it and your mom and dad, or whoever, were sad and depressed and gave up hope. BE that hope for people like that. GIVE others hope or help if they need it. I am NOT talking about financing a home for everyone you meet but if you have been blessed enough to work your way up from nothing, do SOMETHING to give that hope you wished your parents had.

You grew up in a home where you mentally beaten down. You were always told you were not good enough for this or that. You were not smart enough, because you asked questions they did not know themselves. You were made to feel like your life was shit and there was nothing better for you. BE that person that makes others feel like they can achieve their dreams. BE that person that denounced those lies to the point where you would start to see yourself through their eyes and they were right, there was nothing you could not do. BE that person lifts others up.

Basically be who you wished you had. No matter the situation. Now, I am not talking about being the person you needed as a lookout so you could bury a body the night you got arrested for being psycho. No, no, hell no. This is positivity. The positivity that we ALL should have in our life. Complete stranger? Hi, how are you? What do you like to do? Who ARE you? Be that person. You don’t have to hear everyone's life stories but just that simple, friendly Hello is perfect most of the time. You might get strange looks and stares at first but eventually, you reach enough people and you will be known for something good, for once. Not just for being that friend that “tells it like it is” or whatever. You will be known as that kind, sweet person on the bus who always asks how people are doing. You will bring a smile to those people and those they talk to. BE. THAT.

You got this. We all got this. Let's get back to acting like true humans and bring love and kindness back to this dark and anxiety ridden world.

I am glad that I was able to share a part of me and my life with you. I look forward to reading about yours and being moved by it or laughing with you, mainly to get to know you. You are beautiful and perfect for this world, don’t let anyone tell you differently. We all love you.