Letter 10/19/21

10/19/21

Dear Unnamed,

I think you are the love of my life. I have known I love you for some time now, but we got drunk a few nights ago and it hit me that you might be everything I have been wanting my entire life. And maybe you think I am crazy. I am only 20, after all. I am young and naive. I would like to think that acknowledging the fact one is naive negates their naivety, but I don’t think that’s actually true. It only makes you more self aware. So, I am young and dumb and think I have my life figured out in the love aspect anyways all because a boy who looks like my daydreams showed up. I know how ridiculous this all sounds, trust me, I know. But how I feel is how I feel, and how I feel is madly in love with someone in a way that has broken me before. This scares me. I have loved with every proton, electron, or neutron, whichever there is the most of, before. And it nearly killed me to lose that love. You are even more fatal, though, and here is why:

I’m an idealist. I look for perfection in the most ordinary of things and people. I love unconditionally even in the most conditional situations. What I mean by that is this: I loved him in a way that was in a way old and new to me. I’d loved with every fiber in my being before, but my capacity for love had grown, therefore the amount I loved him was new. I loved him in a way that made me feel physical pain like I was having my heart wrenched out of my chest when he was gone. I loved him effortlessly and entirely. Thing is— our love was a one way street. Sure he cared about me and maybe even loved me a little, but it was a spark compared to my forest fire. There were always conditions with him. He didn’t want to be my boyfriend. He wanted all the benefits with none of the work. He wanted the love without any of the commitment. He loved the way I loved him more than he ever had even the capacity to love me. He never wanted to met my family. He had rather gone 3 months without seeing me than making a 3 hour trip to see me. But at least he was honest about it. He was upfront about his conditional love and I chose to ignore it because I thought maybe I could show him I was worth it— that I was enough. Turns out I wasn’t.

So, here comes you— a beautiful man with a good job and a stable mental state and the desire for commitment. You don’t mind driving 45 minutes to come see me when I’m in the area and you have driven the 3 hours to see me a number of times and it’s only even been 3 months. You are patient and understanding and kind and committed. You’ve already met my family and you adore them and want to see them again and again. You are empathetic and gentle and you know me so well because you pay so much attention. You know when I’m sad or anxious without me saying a word. You know when I’m hungry and what I want to eat even when I don’t. You go out of your way to get me coffee even though you don’t drink it yourself. It’s all just to make me happy. You know my favorite flowers and you know my favorite sandwich and you know what coffee I like and you know how to make me feel at peace when the world feels like it’s all crumbling around me in my brain. And when I get tongue tied and confused, you know what I mean without me making any sense. I love you with every fiber of my being, but this feels like a much healthier love. And it’s not just because you love me back. It’s because there’s equal give and take. There is love but not need or emotional dependence. What we have is healthy and because of that, I feel more complete.

You were driving me home a few nights ago and you started crying because you said you loved me so much and I make you so happy that it makes you sad to let me go. You said you’ve never felt so safe and loved and being with me makes you feel complete, too. We don’t need each other, and I think that is why what we have is so healthy. We want to be with each other, but we still need our alone time. There is no dependence or unhealthy attachment. And we are complete on our own but we make each other feel moer whole, and I think that is what healthy is.

i have said I hope we will last a while and your response was “I know we’ll last a while.” You said it with such confidence and I loved that. I love that you know what you want and I love that you want me. I love the idea of spending years with you, if not decades. I told you once I want to find a love that makes me believe in soulmates, and I think I’ve found him. He’s 6 feet tall with curly dark brown hair with dark brown eyes and a hairy chest. He doesn’t drink coffee and eats hardly and veggies. He loves his sweet tea and was raised by his grandparents and has the sweetest little sister. He’s the kind of man who I think of as a man instead of a boy. He knows how to treat me and it terrifies me that I could lose him, too, because I’ve never wanted to keep something so much.

Love,

Yours