Learning a Lesson on Opening Up and Vulnerability

Sometimes opening up with your feelings isn't the easiest of things to do. This is especially true with me. Sometimes all of my thoughts are crowding their way at the forefront of my mind and I feel a rush of mixed emotions. 

It's crucial to acknowledge and be real with your feelings. To just pay attention to them and how you really feel. Both to the good ones that we hold onto and never want to let go as well as the bad ones that we desperately push away to the darkest corners of our mind hoping that they won't resurface. 

It was such a time in which I was having a whirlwind of mixed emotions. Was it anger or sadness? Disappointment maybe? So many emotions were at the forefront of my mind. 

I paid close attention to what I was truly feeling.

 Sadness. 

And then I reached a point where I let my emotions get the better of me. It led to things wished unsaid and regret. It led to a fear of a jeopardized friendship (although I feel that is just me overthinking at its worst).

For once, I told one of my close friends how I really felt. Sometimes it's hard to explain your emotions because what you're feeling can be a madness of mixed emotions. 

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And then he said something unexpected that caught me completely off guard. 

"Write me a short story or poem about how you feel about me." 

He couldn't be serious. He absolutely could NOT be! 

"Wait. What?" Maybe I misunderstood the question. 

"Did I mumble?" 

I could sense the light and joking context of his comment but at the same time, I knew he was in no uncertain terms, genuine about his request.

Now, he knows I'm a writer. I've mentioned my love for writing and have even shared some of my writings with him several times.

Writing my feelings down was one of the most challenging things I've ever done. And not only because I didn't know where to begin. Too many times, I've never been completely open with my truest feelings or at least feelings I felt too vulnerable or even foolish to share. 

I write about a wide range of topics. I've dipped into genres that I didn't think I'd be good at. But I have never really written about my feelings in a sense that I was being vulnerable and open with them.

I spent a decent amount of the night reflecting on and paying attention to how I really felt about my friend. Yes, this is one of those stories about having feelings for someone. 

I got to writing. I wrote down everything that I felt as it pushed its way to the forefront of my mind. 

It was one of the most vulnerable things I've ever written in a long time. And it wasn't something that I would write and then tear up or burn. After it was finished I would send it to him. That was the promise. 

There were parts that I struggled with in my piece and almost backed out of including them. Not once did I feel forced to share something I was uncomfortable with. However, if I didn't include everything I felt, was I being 100% honest? He did tell me to write how I felt about him and this was how I felt and he deserved to know. 

After what felt like forever, I was finally done. It was short and less than 300 words. It was a madness of chaotic writing as I unleashed all of my thoughts, but it was completely genuine. 

I sent my writing to him and he read it as I waited nervously for his response. There was nothing to be nervous about but I couldn't help it. 

He did not degrade my thoughts in any way. Instead, he said he loved what I'd written. And not just that but that it was my writing at its chaotic worst. No fancy words. No editing. Just real feelings finally revealing themselves. 

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My friend taught me a much needed lesson in vulnerability and just being real and open with your feelings. And what's more, the moment I wrote down my feelings and shared how I really felt, a heavy shadow was lifted.