Learn to Defend Your Limits in 3 Steps

The deadline is coming soon. Your colleague begs you to help him because time is running out and he still has a lot to do. Looks like if you're not in a time crunch, you can help him, why not. And you agree.

Later, instead of working hard to finish his work, he quarrels with his colleagues. Then it becomes clear that it is not time that is pressing him, but he has simply entrusted you with his tasks, and he is resting. And the feeling of injustice is bubbling in you.

Then you promise that you will not end up in such situations… but after a while, someone else comes to ask you to help him, and instead of answering him with a "no!" firmly, you say something like "of course, yes, aha". Then you have remorse that you could not refuse those who love to end up on the shoulders of others.

Why is this happening? Because it is our job to defend our interests, not those of those around us. It's not their problem that you get so carried away by the bridle. What can be done in such a situation?

Be aware of your limitations

As long as you don't clearly understand your comfort zone, no one can tell you that. Everyone will cross the red line from time to time, as there is no "No Access!" Warning signs.

"I'm coming at midnight, can you meet me?" An acquaintance asks. And you're not ready. I don't go to bed before midnight anyway… You agree you're going to meet him, but you're upset. Such a reaction is called passive aggression.

It is because the person has not made it clear to others what is comfortable for him and what is not, and is upset when others "do not even try to understand him."

You are the first and only border guard of your borders and only you can set certain boundaries. Start with the basic annoying situations:

Forbidden themes. What topics are you not ready to discuss with anyone? What questions are you not ready to answer? What is the phrase that will help you to convey this to others?

Money on debt. Do you lend money? If so, to whom? What amount? Under what conditions?

Personal time. How long a day are you ready to help others? What time are you on the phone? What time do you reply to messages and calls? How do you prefer to spend your free time? For himself or others?

It is impossible to have all the questions prepared in advance. But if something takes you by surprise, you can take time to think.

Let those around you know what your boundaries are

Once you set the boundaries for yourself in the various spheres, you must learn to talk about them without hesitation. No excuses and no guilt.

E.g:

• Are you taking us to the airport?

• No, I can not.

• Why?

• For some reason, it's not comfortable for me.

Don't let others break your boundaries

It's the most complicated thing. Someone borrowed money and promised to repay your debt in a month. Perfect, you have set the limits, everyone is aware of the conditions. The deadline has passed, but you haven't seen the money.

How to proceed in this case? At least stop borrowing money from this person. If you told him clearly that he can't count on you after the delay, then the second chance is to break your borders.

There is another important detail - do not set unattainable limits. For example, you don't have to sue him if you know you'll never do that. The second time the threat will not work (in fact, it may not work the first time).

By the way, you don't have to set the same boundaries for everyone. It's natural if you're ready to take your sister to the airport, and not your brother. You don't have to justify your decisions. They don't have to care why. All the people around you need to know are the boundaries you set for yourself.