LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE

LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE

… however, on the inside …

I was born at a time when parents thought it best to keep a tight reign on their daughters. Most of the girls in my neighborhood were older than I was and were allowed more freedom. At my young age of ten years, I never thought much about it. If one of the girls had a party, I was only allowed to attend if the girl lived on my street – and I had to be home by ten o’clock. After a while, I was no longer invited to these parties.

While the lack of an invitation was upsetting, I always smiled saying it didn’t matter because I had a good book I wanted to read.

Most of the kids on my street went to public schools; my parents sent me to a parochial school where we wore uniforms. Although they paid a yearly tuition, their thinking was that they didn’t need to buy new clothes each year. When I wasn’t in school, I usually wore my brother’s hand-me-downs.

While the lack of “girlie” slacks and blouses were few and far between, what I wore was always clean and ironed (yes, ironed; back then, we didn’t have wash-n-wear clothing). Sometimes I cringed when I’d see a few of the neighbors because I rarely had “girlie” play clothes. But I kept smiling because, well, as I said, they were always clean and tidy.

Maybe I was embarrassed and unhappy on the inside because of the situation, I always made sure I smiled because at least I didn’t have to worry about ruining pretty dresses or stylish slacks.

In high school, again, we wore uniforms and didn’t have to worry about staying in style with the latest fashions. Girls came from many parts of the city to attend that school which didn’t give many of us the opportunity for after-school socializing.

I would have like to have made more friends but oh well! I volunteered my spare time to work in the nursery section of a local orphanage. That to me, was more rewarding than just “hanging out” with other teens.

It wasn’t easy knowing that many of my classmates would head off to the local ice cream shop but while I might have missed that part of my life, I kept smiling because I knew as soon as I walked through the door of St. Joseph’s Orphanage, I’d be greeting with hugs from at least ten little girls.

When I met the man who would become my husband, I smiled all the time – until I didn’t. After six years, there was nothing left to smile about and yet, no one ever knew. Maybe it was pride that kept me smiling but I just couldn’t find in my heart to publicly admit my marriage was on the rocks. Even when he left, I felt my heart was shattered but I kept smiling. I had two sons for whom I needed demonstrate a happy demeanor.

While I was bewildered, I was also defiant; so, I smiled.

Things weren’t easy and often when I was home alone, I would sit and try not to allow the tears to fall. Raising two sons alone wasn’t a walk in the park but I was determined to make the best of it.

My mom once said that I had such a sad look in my eyes. I smiled at her and said, “Mom, I’m ok. Really.”

After fifteen long years, I met someone who changed my life. We were married a year after meeting and I thought for sure everything was going to be great.

It’s funny, when I think about the words “I thought”. Any time anyone said those two words, I remember the silly thing my grandmother would say. “You know what thought did? Peed in his pants and “thought” he was sweating.” Yep, my grandmother was quite the lady but her words most always hit home.

My husband is really great guy, but has one terrible flaw in his personality. He thinks women don’t know anything. While he’s never actually called me stupid, those indications are there on a daily basis. I told him quite a number of times that last time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t have a gigantic red S on my forehead – S for stupid. That’s when he’d shut his mouth. He also rarely accepts blame when things break. “If I hadn’t move (whatever), he wouldn’t have knocked it down and broken it.”

And life goes on and on.

Before you ask, my life is not an unhappy one. Yes, we have problems and often, I will think they’re bigger than they really are. But, to my own defense, he doesn’t do too much to eliminate or shrink them, either.

Just the other day, he decided to prune my gardenia bush – after telling him for years that gardenias only get pruned in June after the buds have opened and the flowers have turned brown. And yet, at the beginning of April, while I was at my exercise program, he pruned the bush and chopped off every single bud!

When I arrived home and saw my plant, I wanted to cry. I planted that bush for my mom who loved gardenias. Now it’ll take another sixteen months to show any signs of budding.

Yet, as much as it saddened me to see my little bush down to bare twigs, I smiled and said, “Gee, I guess you forgot what the man in the nursery said about the proper time to prune.” And I walked away smiling because if I didn’t smile, I might have grabbed the pruning saw and pruned his head off!

Yes, we all have our difficulties and awkward periods in our lives. That’s just the way life is.

However, rather than look for consolation or pity from those who really don’t understand the situation, it’s always up to us to find the silver lining and walk away with a smile.

Life isn’t always rosy. That doesn’t mean I can’t pretend I live in a magical garden – at least for a while.