When she smiles, time stands still. A body of water entirely undisturbed by rain or man, hidden in the depths between euphoria and paradise. Delightfully stagnant, yet unsoiled by darkness. Sunshine radiates through her skin, her eyes streaming with endless life and grace. Her eyelids flitter, your nerves unwillingly stand on end- the moment you realise you are completely powerless.
Numbness. That’s how she could describe it. A constant, evaporation of numbness. All sense of joy or that some may call ‘happiness’ ceased to exist in her mentality. Everything was an exhaustive process that she could not shake away. It was like being trapped in her own personal cage of disgust and fear that never seemed to let in any form of bliss, only hatred for one’s self. The numbness she seemed to feel may have been a way for her physical body to process this specific form of hell.
trying to make sense of what happened to you it’s not an easy thing to achieve. Because the narcissist is functioning on a completely warped level they take no responsibility for anything that they have done. I can’t stress enough that they do not see things the way we do. The only thing the narcissist understands is that they are the victim in every relationship. I found myself questioning my judgment and trying to make sense out of what was wrong with me and how I could’ve been so blind to this person‘s behavior. Because my narcissist was so good at what he did there was no way that I could believe that somebody was that messed up. He was an Academy award winner when it came to lying, Covering his tracks, embellishing and believing that his minimal accomplishments were outstanding. When you try to make sense of your relationship you have to divide into two parts. You have to look at the relationship from how you interpret it and then you have to look at the relationship how the narcissist manipulated the relationship. Trying to make sense of your behavior becomes difficult because of the humiliation factor. Many people that were in narcissistic relationships will have a pattern of breaking up and getting back together and breaking up. The reason why we do this is because we try to justify their agree just behavior because we can’t process a person could be this horrible and that’s why we go back to them. You have to go again remember everything that you are processing everything you were trying to work out everything you were trying to come to grips with never even once enters the narcissist mind. They do not spend one day thinking about us or missing us or regretting all of the horrible things they put us through. They have moved on and found their next victim to do everything to them that they have done to you everyone before you and it’ll always be everyone after you. You cannot think that you will change a narcissistic sociopath. They will never apologize, or tell you that they’ve made terrible mistakes and they are trying to work on being a better person. Once I realized that I could not make sense of his behavior that’s when I focused on understanding the disorder. The Only since you can make out of the situation is all about you and how you were feeling how you were behaving how you were acting and how you were processing the relationship. You must remember you cannot make sense out of insanity. The Narcissistic sociopath will never change. I call it “going on the diet of a lifetime.” You have to remove them from your life completely. When you suffer a Trumatic experience and that truly is what happened to us, it takes time to recover. As I stated in my first posting you must treat the abuser as someone who was tragically killed unexpectedly. Because they never truly existed, they set the stage to act out whatever it is they need to do to get whatever it is they want from you. It is difficult to confide with friends and family if they have not been a victim of narcissistic abuse. It takes time and unfortunately time can’t go by fast enough. We are heartbroken, at a complete loss, and often contemplate suicide because we can’t come to grips with what has happened to us. Please know that these are all emotions that I went through and felt to the deepest part of my soul. You cannot make sense as to why you feel so terribly but you do because you’re an empathetic caring soul. The narcissist feeds on the empathetic caring soul because that is the one that is going to open their heart and their wallet for this predator. I can’t tell you how many evenings and mornings that I woke up and he was the first thing I thought about. I just couldn’t make sense out of what was wrong with me and why I was feeling so horrible and why I couldn’t move on and why he just couldn’t give me closure. The narcissist does not have to give you closure because they did nothing wrong. I chose to share my journey because I realized that there’s not enough resources out there and there are hundreds and thousands of victims of these horrible people.
It was as if lightning struck the sand. It built, the electric current, and it burnt when it touched the ground. There was momentum; it was exciting, but it scorched. This is how we ignited.
Growing up I always had this ideal image in my head of what a family is, and isn't, the woman I thought I needed to be, as a wife, and a mom. I knew without a doubt what I did not want to become. I knew what kind of mother I would never be. I was adopted, and between the stories I have heard and the legal papers I have read, I have to take peace in that everything happens for a reason. As a teenager, my (adoptive) sister and I saw our mom struggle with life. Not in the sense of bad around every single corner, but literally life. Repeatedly, my sister and I would have to go to the store for bandages and gauze from another failed attempt of suicide. 17 attempts until the day I moved in with my grandparents because I refused to keep living in the nightmare. That was the first day of my senior year in high school.
Her alarm clock goes off again for the third time as she tosses and turns in bed wide eyed. "Another day Angelina, another day for sure" she says, as she rolls out of bed. Releasing a halitosis-filled sigh and yawn. Angelina stares into the darkness of her dorm room, as 8 AM sunlight streaks through the lines of closed blinds resembling white thread on the floor. Angelina puts on her glasses signifying she is going to start her day. Stubbing her toe while making her way to the bathroom, she curses her vile words into the silence. "I need to sleep with lights on now?" she questions, as she examines her toe.
I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks. Heartbreaks that taught me new lessons. Heartbreaks that changed me. Heartbreaks that remained in the back of my mind, even as I got to know new people. Heartbreaks that haunted me each night. Heartbreaks that I got over quickly. They are still heartbreaks, even if they don’t last as long as those that came before them or those that will arrive after.