Lacey Sturm

In 2010 repressed memories of my childhood trauma began chasing me in earnest. There had been subtle nudges and questions that pricked my mind before that, but that year I really began feeling broken. It was as if my subconsciousness was grieving without my consciousness knowing why. All I knew was everything I did, everywhere I went, was permeated by a low level sadness I couldn't name.

As far as I knew, I had nothing to grieve. I was happy. Newly married, living in my own house, and going to college for my dream degree. Still, my soul fell dark.

It was at this tumultuous time that I discovered the stellar musicality of Lacey Sturm.

Lacey, a tiny Emo girl dressed in tutus with ripped jeans, raven black hair and heavy black eye shadow, was the frontwoman for the rock band Flyleaf. She was the embodiment of my inner person. She was the woman I, a long-time conservative girl, longed to be. Not only was I enamored by her style but also her skill. Man, can that girl sing. And when I say sing, I also mean scream.

Lacey has a beautiful voice, which proves she is also a talented screamer. It takes a really skilled individual to scream in a way that doesn't damage your vocal cords. Lacey both can sing a lovely verse, and in the very next breath, produce a guttural scream that makes your hair stand on end.

Still, the most compelling factor was their lyrics, many of which Lacey helped write. Their songs were written from a place of brokenness, an acknowledgment seldom made in conservative culture. But Flyleaf acknowledged the raw reality of life while still holding onto hope. That's largely due to Lacey's own experiences and personal faith.

Lacey grew up in an impoverished environment. After the loss of her cousin to domestic violence, Lacey struggled to understand the point of life. She had suicidal ideations and planned to take her own life one day after school. However, she was surprised by her grandmother's presence.

After a great deal of protest, Lacey agreed to go with her grandmother to church, just to shut her up. But it was this service where she met God and He changed her life forever.

Lacey had experienced trauma and discovered hope. I couldn't understand it at the time, but this was the core of what drew me to her and her band.

I had a deep wound, one I was hiding even from myself, one I couldn't bear to retain. My subconscious knew it and I was just beginning to feel the darkness seep in. I listened to Lacey scream about pain while singing about God's hope and saw that it was possible to acknowledge pain while still believing. Her powerful scream reached through the radio, grabbed me by the hand and pulled me out of a pit. She showed me it was still possible to be fully alive.

Later in that year I had the wonderful privilege to see Flyleaf in concert. In a tiny bar, in a tiny borough just outside my town. It was crammed, there were people breaking beer bottles in the background, but it was in this unlikely place that I worshiped God with Lacey Sturm and heard her testimony from her own lips. It remains the best concert I have ever seen.

Many years later, my childhood trauma worked it's way to the forefront of my mind, propelling me into a deep abyss. During that dark period I would listen to Flyleaf to redirect my focus on the hope that God gives, the love that conquers even the darkest things. Lacey showed me a light in a tunnel.

Eventually I began to heal and wanted to find a way to express all that I learned. All throughout my struggle I kept thinking "this sounds like a book." It became such a recurring thought that I became convinced that's what I had to do. Attempt after attempt I just couldn't begin my story. At the same time I struggled to find my voice, Lacey Sturm released her own memoir.

I of course purchased a copy. I don't know what it was, but just hearing her thoughts in my head unlocked something and I found my voice. I then wrote the first chapter of my own memoir. A feat I didn't think possible.

Lacey Sturm has been a consistent dragon by my side even though she doesn't know it. To me she is an example of power and grace. Her music and her testimony demonstrate how pain and hope can stand hand in hand. I am forever thankful for her influence in my life.