Just

by Heather Houston 5 months ago in humanity

One

Just

Alone... alone. So absolute. So basic. Say it again... alone.

How can that be? We are surrounded by people day in, day out. Those people interact with others, and that brings more into our circle. Still... alone. So deafening.

My first memory is being alone. Only child. Stuck outside alone, with my parents... they can't hear me banging on the door I couldn't open from the outside. Screaming, yelling, begging for anyone to let me in. Scary alone.

More memories come flooding in. Step-this, step-that... brothers and sisters. Being picked on, being shoved around, being shunned, being ogled, being objectified. Jealousy? Who knows? Mom couldn't and wouldn't protect. Dad lost somewhere. Anywhere but in reality. Extended family assumes incapable... vulnerable. Always alone.

On the road of life alone. Whether married or unmarried. Working, staying home. Second better life. Kids, money, support. Dream life! Adequate. Staggeringly alone.

Many people are alone. Alone at home... work... school... in life. Some sad. Some content. Some deliberating life. Some contemplating life. Haven't we all?

How do we become part of the circle? How do we include those that feel like us? Do we really want inclusion? Are we content to be alone? How does one add to another's alone-ness? Are we alone together? Does that make us less alone? Still alone... thundering.

Alone with our thoughts... with. Still? With. Including. Amidst. Alone?

Standing out, blending in, sheep, outsider. Conform? What if it's not enough? What if everyone leaves? Already alone. What does it matter? "you can't please all of the people all of the time"... some of them. None of them.

Ungrateful... remembering foul words said in anger. Remembering core hurt. Remembering sadness. Alone again. The loophole never stops. Or does it?

Unconditional love... does this count? Yes? Asking for acceptance. Begging... pleading... whispering reverberatingly. Be with me, be with me, be with me, be with me.

After being together, resentfulness comes to the foreground. Why do you do that? What are you doing? I don't like that. Leave me alone! Just leave me alone! Yet again, the loophole begins.

Intentional? Yes... "me time". I like me. I like my giving self. I like my sharing nature. I like my kindness. I like putting my words on a page for everyone to read... alone! Do I really? The words in my head tell my own self how mean... bitter... I am. How can that person be loved? How can that person be together with others when I know I am a lie? My façade is inflated.

I just want to get away. Commercialized "want to get away?"... no, not that type. Get away from myself. Get away from the lies and the gray clouds. Do others want to be grouped? Fat chance. Is their outer lining faulty, too? Most likely. I can answer all of my own questions. Can anyone answer truthfully? Doubtful.

We tell our girls to "find yourself before finding a man." Are we telling them to be alone? Yes! "If you can't be content alone, how will you be content with anyone else?" True... yet alone. The loophole begins early. Too early to remember. Set out on a path only you will appreciate. What? Alone! "Find someone who completes you." Lies.

Maddening, gritty... anger in being alone. My kind self thinks otherwise. Loving everyone from afar. Supportive... but at arm's length. Does together mean physical? Emotional? Complimentary? Single? Double? Triple?

Beginning alone... ending alone. Not wanting a solitary lifestyle... arriving in that lonesome place. Loophole, coil, circle, black hole. Always on the periphery. Like it or not.

humanity
Heather Houston
Heather Houston
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Heather Houston

I am a wife, momma, sewer, and crochet-er. My life is diverse and I love this moment in time. It will change quickly. It always does!  

See all posts by Heather Houston