Journal Entry

Lately, I've been thinking that my attachment style is different than what I originally presumed and have believed for quite some time. Granted, I had never looked into the disorganized attachment style before this week. Anxious described me but not entirely; same with avoidant. I know it's common to have a combination of the four and I'm sure we all have characteristics of each, but some aspects of the disorganized really resonated with me.

I now just took an attachment style quiz that said I'm avoidant so who the fuck knows.

It's nice thinking that all of us have a ratio of all four styles. That honestly hasn't occurred to me until now. I don't think I've ever given myself any credit for having secure attachment as a part of my dating style before. What I desire to exhibit in relationships, which is the aspects of secure attachment, feels very far from what I seem to still be practicing. Not that I've had the chance to practice that much, we are in a pandemic after all.

It's difficult to know whether I should even be dating at all in order to develop better dating habits. It seems pretty obvious just by definition that healthy dating patterns stem from healthy dating habits, which must include dating in some form or another and not avoiding it WHICH I GUESS I DO LIKE TO DO OKAY FUCK.

Alright, Alright, Alright... what I'm finding to be painfully true is that patterns are hard to break. Even when we recognize them. Even when we don't want to continue along the same path of creating them. Hot take right? It's just frustrating, I mean, I know the patterns I want to create (*fuck, do I though?), and I see the ones I want to break. Although, I am still piecing together when these patterns started to bud on the timeline of my life. I mean it's so multifaceted. We are constantly being molded and affected and imprinted by our environment and our personal experiences within that environment. Our attachment style develops by the time we're 2 years old and every relationship from then on is a product of and contributor to our particular style. We can develop new traits and triggers, whether they be healthy or not, well into our adulthood. We can reinforce patterns pretty easily, as well. At least that's what I've learned so far from my experience.

I have had some success with aligning my habits with something I deem more healthy.

TO BE CONTINUED...

12/15/20

So, I have been dating (or attempting to date). In the process I’m trying to notice what my habits are so I can slowly begin to change them. For example, something I have a terrible habit of doing is I tend to get a little ahead of myself. If I find someone I think I like and they show some degree of interest back, my mind goes all the way. I crave attention from them, think about them all the time, fuck I’ll even masturbate to thoughts of them and imagine what our babies would look like. IT’S BAD! Like bad, bad. Like I’ll do this before seeing someone’s face under their mask or even meeting them in person at all if they’re someone I meet online. I do not find this healthy. Perhaps I need to start telling myself a different narrative so I’m not degrading myself for these reactions, but it is something I would like to change.

This doesn’t immediately seem like a quality of an avoidant attachment style (since I guess that’s what I’m goin’ with now), but let’s explore that a bit. I guess before I apply that style to this habit of mine, I should go a little deeper on the subject. I think I do this because 1) I love attention, especially from cute boys. I know very well that I have a keen desire to be liked- by everyone. I am definitely the type of person, I’ve noticed, that can be a bit of a chameleon with whoever I’m hanging out with. I put others needs, wants, opinions- whatever- before my own. So much so that I began to feel extremely disconnected from myself. For a long time, I couldn’t like myself because I didn’t even know who I was. I had adopted so many behaviors from my friends and lovers that I felt like a mosaic of pieces of them. Perhaps that’s all we are to begin with... I’m still not sure. But I really had to start paying attention to this and I think it’s gotten better. I feel like I had to pull a René Descartes in some way. I threw away everything I knew about myself. Which is, of course, a figurative statement because we are talking about things highly intangible such as taste in music or food. Gotta go back to work brb.

Ok, I’m back. Where was I? Probably going off on some tangent and still not getting to the entire point I began writing this entry. Another reason I think I exhibit those particular qualities when I find myself romantically interested is because, well it’s hard finding good porn ima just go ahead and say that, but also, as far as projecting so far into the future goes, I think I do that because I am at least mildly avoidant and I don’t want to get involved with someone unless I see it going somewhere. Otherwise, why go through the trouble and heartache of a relationship? This does seem to set me back, however. Big shocker, I know. I won’t go into how at the moment, though perhaps it’s something I should pay attention to more because I’m sure it affects more than I’m even aware of.

I am trying to get to the point of this where I say how I have improved. But I again, brb.

12/16/20

I haven’t gotten very far in the dating process. There is one person I’ve attempted to meet up with but it hasn’t worked out. There are some patterns I’m noticing and overcoming even with this minute interaction. This guy and I get along decently well via text. We have similar interests and hobbies which kept the conversation going for a while even though it’s clear we both get bored easily. Trying to get dates through an online app during a pandemic is certainly proving to be quite difficult. No one wants a long-term texting buddy, at least I don't. These things need to happen fast. Start talking, make the decision you want to hang out, and set a date sometime that week but within 2-3 days is ideal. If this doesn’t happen, it’s just hard to stay interested and to keep someone else interested.

This guy and I did exactly that. But first time around, we planned for a day he thought would be a Saturday but it was Friday and he had to work. He was apologetic and wanted to reschedule but these winter months make it difficult to do something like go for a walk on a weekday because most people aren't off work until 5pm and it’s dark by then. So we planned for the following weekend and kept in touch by texting nearly every day. He texted me first every time and if I didn’t respond for a while because it was boring, he would come back with something new and exciting to keep the conversation going. This was two weeks of us just texting at this point.

The weekend rolls around and we have both exclaimed that we are looking forward to meeting one another. Buuut... the night before we were supposed to meet it began to snow quite a bit, and the roads by morning were not ideal. He asked me if I was comfortable driving. I was walking to the destination near my house, so this was a non-issue. I asked him how he felt and he was hesitant and voted to reschedule once again. Which is incredibly lame, but also maybe valid? So I brushed it off and agreed to plan something for the following weekend. At this point, I was over making an effort. If he wanted to hang out he would have to be the one to make it happen. We texted a little more throughout the day, but I could feel that things just weren’t as exciting as before. I’m not sure how this actually came across, but I wanted to be honest. I’m not just trying to text for weeks on end with someone I have never met. So I said I wasn't sure how much longer things would stay interesting over text and to hit me up later that week to make a plan for the weekend. I suppose my idea behind this was to try and preserve any interest either of us had left in hopes it would carry on for long enough for us to actually meet up. He replied by saying he respected that and he would catch me later. This was Sunday.

Wednesday is where I am now. I haven’t heard from him at all and I am craving for him to reach out in some way or another. And this is what I want to analyze.

Why am I craving him to contact me when I’m the one who created that distance in the first place? I stand by my reason for saying what I did. I do believe that creating space is the key to preserving something like friendship or romance, even if this only pertains to the potential budding of such things. But I think I’m desiring him to reach out because I think that affirms his interest in me or something- like him being interested in me has an impact on my value or something. Like I said before, I have a desire for people to like me. Did he cancel twice because I’m not interesting enough? Him reaching out would be evidence against that. THAT is where my mind goes. THAT is a pattern I would like to change. I recognizing it, though, and am taking control of my reaction to this weird trigger.

In the past, I have had a tendency to be slightly manipulative in my efforts to get someone’s attention, I’m not gonna lie. I become some sort of detective, or stalker, and I make an effort to get their attention by showing up more in their life somehow. And I’m not batshit, I’m not taking an “unexpected turn” and walking down a street I know they drive on to get to work and hope to run into them, for example, not that it hasn't crossed my mind. More mildly, I’ll post on my Instagram more or find a seemingly innocent reason to text them. I just want to be sure I’m crossing their mind because I guess I’m afraid they’ll up and forget about me. I haven’t done anything of the sort (so far) other than upgrading my Hinge profile (which is the app we met on). Something he probably won’t even notice but if he does he'll know I’m still active, talkin' to his competition (see what I mean by manipulative?). Here’s what I’m noticing, the good and the bad. I’ll start with the bad...

Obviously, this portrays aspects of preoccupied behavior which is high anxiety and low avoidance when it comes to the attachment styles. I do think I've gotten better at controlling these habits, I haven't texted this guy or added him or Facebook or anything like that trying to get his attention, but I’m still not where I want to be with this behavior. I am not the type of person who feels like it’s okay to become preoccupied with thinking about another person, especially one I know so distantly. I am cool and witty and confident and strong and I know that if not this guy there will be another. So why am I seeking validation from him? It’s as if I believe him not reaching out is a form of rejection and that rejection is somehow a reflection of my worth or likeability. If the former is true, WHO THE FUCK CARES. I know perfectly well that even if he did reject me there is another boy around the corner who is a better fit for me and who will give me the time of day. And I know perfectly well that rejection is not correlated to my worth. There is so much more to do with why someone rejects you than your worth. Dating is like applying for jobs... I had two interviews this morning and honestly, just like jobs, if I don't get one there is another waiting around the corner. One door closes and two open. I firmly believe that the Universe is guiding me to bigger and better things and if there is something I think I want but don't get it's because something better is coming my way.

So why else might I be sad that he hasn't reached out? I think something else I'm feeling might be loss? Obviously, there are worse to lose. And obviously, there are worse things that have happened because of the coronavirus than canceled vacations but I'm going to use that as a quick analogy: looking forward to something and then having that something go away feels like a loss. This, my fucking guy trouble, is a highly trivial loss, but my feelings are valid. I was looking forward to meeting this person. I suppose I became a bit curious and meeting felt like a way to piece together his Hinge photos with his texting persona. I'm also fucking horny and want to get laid and this is the greatest potential I've had for that lately which also probably isn't true but I WAS EXCITED, OKAY! And not even that fucking excited but the fact that he canceled makes me think I was more excited than he even though before that I thought his excitement level matched that of my own.

So, the good. What have I done better? I am recognizing my preoccupation but I'm not acting on it. I think in the past when I've wanted a boy's attention, I've gone after it rather than let it come to me. This back-fires hella hard because I think they can literally sense that bit of desperation and will maybe respond at first to be nice but will ultimately run the other way. This is going to sound stupidly logical but I usually don't even give boys the chance to text me first- I beat them to the punch even though I want them to. If I want a boy to text me first I can't text them. That's the bottom fucking line. I think I am struggling with that obviously, but I'm getting better. And these healthy patterns have to start somewhere.

It's funny, these battling parts of my personality. Part of me feels preoccupied and part of me feels so confident and sure that he will text me. I'm not sure either is healthy. The possibilities are he texts me or he doesn't, and neither of those outcomes mean anything at all. I think I could have gotten bored texting him and now I'm bored not texting him. Woe is me.

Just like applying for jobs, it's wise to not put all your eggs in one basket. Apply for many jobs, and talk to many boys (or girls or thems- I jus like dem boys ok). I have been talking to other boys, or trying to, at least. But none have captured my interest quite so much.

All of this adds up to why I initially thought I was an anxious attachment type. None of this is unusual for me by any means, and you might think "wow, how pathetic and embarrassing," but I am truly past the point of giving a fuck about being embarrassed by this. I am taking full ownership and control of the situation and don't have time to give a fuck about being embarrassed anymore. Anyway, to bring that back home, the fact I got avoidant as an attachment style on that test seems like something far out of left-field when faced with these facts about myself, but the thing is this is only what I do when I think I like someone.

People with insecure attachment styles often have a tendency to mistake stress hormones for sex hormones when it comes to dating and relationships. I choose people who won't hesitate to leave me hanging while the ones who want to show up I pay no mind to. This is why I began to think I'm disorganized, otherwise known as anxious-avoidant. People with this attachment style tend to be hot and cold, but from my understanding, that's with the same partner. Things can be a bit chaotic for people with this style, and relationships can look like going from having intense emotions for a partner to feeling really not much for them and thinking the relationship is not worth trying for. When heard about this, it sounded like this happens fairly quickly, day-by-day. In my experience, if I have experienced this at all, it happens over time. I'm trying to recall the only two serious relationships I've had. Both did not get off to a hot start by any means. While I was preoccupied and clingy, they were also not very respectful and I probably gave them too many chances. Eventually, they did come around to realizing I'm awesome and our time of sharing love was beautiful. Eventually, I found a reason we weren't going to work, though. Both relationships ended for entirely just reasons in my opinion, but I was also the one to end them. Both had immense love for me and wanted to be do anything they could to save the relationship, but it's like my feelings for them vanished. I pushed their love away. This was the case until faced with the idea of actually losing them for good. Then I missed them, although I knew that my feelings for them would likely diminish again if we got back together so to this day I maintain friendly distances.

I'm utterly fascinated and terrified by love. I crave it but don't know how to tame and control it. I know all too well that feelings of love can make you not only act but actually feel and seem desperate and crazy. At least, what I used to think love was did that, but I'm not sure that was love at all. Now I'm convinced that that's just a form of attachment. Maybe people are supposed to experience the dark parts of love, any experience is an opportunity to learn, after all. I believe there are incredibly beautiful parts of love I have yet to experience, but that I have to power to unlock and allow myself to experience. There is certainly more to love than our attachment style... however, I believe our attachment style heavily influences our experience of love, and I want to experience more.