Basking in my Worth

As has been determined in one of my previous posts, in order to develop healthy dating patterns, one must date! Even if at times it feels mildly defeating. So in my efforts to do so, I planned another date this week with a different Hinge boy and this how it went...

I wasn't quite as excited about this one as I was about Enrique. This one actually showed more consistent interest in me which, by default, means I didn't feel as interested myself. Oh, the woes of insecure attachment. Overall, though, he was attractive in his pictures and the conversation hit the right notes- music, shows, books, banter- but nothing about him or our conversation got me very excited. Being on the tail end of feeling rejected by Enrique, however, I felt like he was good option for me in continuing my healthy-dating practice.

He asked me out, and I'll admit, I wasn't eager so I played it as so. He asked for Wednesday and I gave a tentative yes, just in case something more important came up since this was nearly a week prior to that then that he asked. It just so happened that something did come up, so I asked if he was available Tuesday instead. He very certainly said yes. We agreed on a place and time: the taco bar by my house at 6:30pm. He was working with my schedule, which is like the opposite of a red flag in most cases. **Enrique, on the other hand, canceled our date plans twice before we successfully met up (for seemingly good reasons but that's still red flag as fuck and just look at what happened there. He ghosted).** Sunday is when we made the plan official. It was late so I bid him adieu, saying I would see him on Taco Tuesday, and he hit me with "sweet dreams."

Now, I'm not the type that needs constant reassurance that someone is still interested, and perhaps this is a fault of mine, but I also think it's sexy to make plans with someone and follow through with those plans without needing to reconfirm. I think this shows a sense of confidence and self-assurance I would not only like to see in a partner but would like to cultivate within myself. Especially when the date, time, and location have been set just two days prior. This tactic, however, has not necessarily worked to my advantage thus far. At least not on the surface.

Tuesday came around. This new boy and I hadn't talked Monday or all day Tuesday before the date. Not reconfirming is kind of exhilarating. It's a bit risky but also if someone is feeling uncertain, there is no shame in reaching out just to be sure plans are on track. I just think changes to the plans should be made known, and if that doesn't happen then I'm going to assume the plan is a motherfuckin go! Anyways, at this point you might be able to tell what I'm getting at here... I got all cute- even though I wasn't that excited about him, I was still excited to go on a date. 6:20pm rolls around and I begin walking to the taco bar, checking periodically to see whether or not he had messaged me, feeling even more excited and intrigued by the fact he hadn't.

I arrived at the restaurant right at 6:30pm, scoping the premises to find him nowhere to be seen. I let the waitress know I'd like a table for two and began to wait. 6:35pm: no sign of him and no message saying he is going to be late or anything of the sort. So I messaged him and said, "Hey! 6:30 right?" right before the waitress sat me at the table. I order myself a drink, regretting that this was the one time I didn't have a fucking book with me which is my go-to plan B for any situation. 15 minutes after I arrived, I hadn't heard from him at all and I wasn't going to continue waiting around. The server came by, and I said casually, "I think it's just going to be tonight," and proceeded to order food for myself. And to be honest, this is where the story (to me) gets interesting.

The server asked a basic question, I can't remember exactly what it was but I, wanting to be in a space of owning myself and my narrative, told her I think I was being stood up but wasn't going to let that stop me from having a good time. She brought out a shot of tequila for her, myself, and the table of two women next to me. The ladies started talking to me after overhearing my conversation with the waitress and invited me to sit with them. I was not immediately comfortable with this- it's such a kind offer but it's hard to tell if someone really means it or if they're just being nice. I didn't go over right away but our conversation continued and we built a natural connection after a few minutes and decided to merge. I was so thankful and felt so supported by random strangers- the two women, the server, and the bartender all welcomed me in after being stood up, and I couldn't help but think that the night could have gone drastically different. That was only able to happen because I made a conscious decision to not let some stranger ruin my night by blowing me off. I could have easily decided that it would be much too embarrassing to sit and have dinner alone after being stood me up. I could have been sad and felt that this was somehow reflective of my worth. ~Being rejected twice in a week? And I am the common denominator in both situations! Surely there must be something I am doing wrong.~ I did not allow my mind to go there even though it would be incredibly easy for it to do so. I imagine if I had decided to go home instead, I would have sat sulking in my sorrows, feeling unworthy even of this idiot. Rather than doing so, though, I remembered my worth, and I reminded myself that this guy has no fucking clue who I am and his rejection means absolutely nothing to me. With this, I was able to have what was likely a far better night than if he had shown up. I stood strong in my worth and in my ability to communicate and connect with others, and because of this I made memories I will now cherish forever. This experience showed me how much being lonely is a choice I can make or not, and it how much greater our community is even when we don't realize it.

I don't by any means want to project that making that decision is easy. That night went far better than I could have ever expected, which is amazing to say because it is so easy, even natural to react negatively to rejection. We have the power to control our reactions, though, and this has an incredible influence on the situation and our experience of it. Overcoming these old, unhealthy neural pathways that might lead one to reject themselves after feeling rejected by someone else and making way for new, healthy pathways has a butterfly-affect of positive outcomes. This situation proved to me how making such small changes can mean the difference between positive and negative reinforcement. Both are equally as powerful. To create positive patterns is to make little changes in the way we react to situations. We decide how we react, even if we're prone to certain negative behaviors. We cannot control a situation, but we can strongly influence it with the energy we decide to put in. (This paragraph is pretty messy but I think I’ve made my point).

All in all, dating is going well. I have no current prospects, but I assure you and myself that I will continue putting myself out there. I know I don't take rejection well at this point in my life, but the only way to get better is to practice. I am thankful for these two experiences of rejection. I, shockingly, feel stronger and more confident because of them. And that, my friends, is the power of positive reinforcement.

Before I sign off entirely, I would just like to say that this rejection does still affect me, just not as negatively as it likely could have. This became apparent to me today when I woke up to a group chat with my friends. We're all going to meet today in a cute little mountain town to ring in the new year together. I woke up at 6am to see multiple texts with them exclaiming how excited they were. I chime in and say similar things, and no one ever responded. I felt like my presence wasn't desired and was feeling mildly rejected by my friends. After feeling that emotion, though, I recognized the fact that I'm probably just a little more sensitive than usual this week because I am now two for two with being rejected by Hinge dates, and whether I like it or not, it does trigger a wound for me. I got anxious about the whole weekend ahead of me but I didn't want to isolate myself even further because of my feeling this way. I could have stayed quiet but as I said before, I am trying to own my feelings, my narrative, my life, and not voicing my emotions is a form of denying myself. My roommate is one of the girls coming on the trip today, and I just decided to open up to her about how I was feeling, even though it felt so trivial. Her reaction to how I was feeling was everything. She immediately gave me her full attention, listened to what I had to say, and embraced me afterward allowing me to not only feel seen and heard but comforted after. Her reaction meant the world to me, and completely changed how I felt about the situation moving forward.

Both situations described above, the date and this interaction with my friend, are pretty incredible examples of how we can choose to deny ourselves or choose to validate ourselves. They show how in choosing to validate my emotions and stand in my worth I was able to create outcomes unimaginably greater than the sad narratives I am so good at playing out in my head. And I know I'm not alone. We all have this power and my only hope with writing these posts is to inspire others to practice this, as well. If you are reading this, I hope this serves as a reminder for you to choose yourself so you can feel your own power, as well.