Journal Entries

Empathy

Here I sit pondering the turmoil I feel when I’m calm, when the world around me seems peaceful. This is the supposed ideal for which I strive, the calm I welcome when I’m not at war with myself or someone else, and yet, during these peaceful times, I am not at ease. Not at all. I have not found peace and feel as is something is missing from my life. I accept this truth of my life, this truth about who I am.

I’ve seen the same symptoms in myself before and I fear my state has spilled into the realm of apathy. Two years ago, my family called out to me. My children asked me, my wife begged me, to reassume leadership. I did not heed that call. It wasn’t fear that I couldn’t handle the position or live up to the expectations of those who needed me. It was simply that I didn’t care.

Can it be that my own agonies are so great and so enduring that I’ve lost my ability to empathize with the pain of others? I fear this above all else and yet, to be honest, I see it clearly etched in my features. A state of self-absorption where too many memories of my own horrors cloud my vision. Perhaps I don’t or cannot recognize someone else’s pain. Or perhaps, if I do see it, I dismiss it as trivial next to the trials I have suffered.

What am I without empathy? What manner of joy will I ever find if I cannot understand the joys and pain of those around me? I have been surrounded by people, all willing to engage in the sharing of themselves. Yet I wouldn’t allow myself to engage them, I could not loosen my guard I had put in place when surrounded by my horrors.

I feel as though I’ve lost my empathy. I hope I find it again and in time open my heart and soul to those deserving.

Misc.

I’m concluding that I should stop the bullshit. I see what is good and bad in life, but I’m still not sure who I am. I grew up seeing the worst of people. I learned how to manipulate everyone around me, something I still do to this day.

Who is Burton Burt? This is the question I ask myself. Honestly, I cannot tell you. I can tell you all the good and horrible things I’ve done but that doesn’t answer the question.

What would happed if I went the other direction with my life? I’m one of those people who can blend in with society. I could get away with god only knows what. I have the background that could fit every profile out there. I suspect that when I got tired of one, I’d move to another.

What makes a guy who doesn’t expect anything happy?

Empty Hours, Empty Days

I often wish I could sneak out of this place. Minutes blend into hours, hours blend into days and soon it all seems like one distant memory. I have many memories of that day, October 16th. Looking back on that day, I am amazed and humbled at the emptiness I felt.

I get excited each time I go to class because I’ve set my mind on learning from and observing others in my situation. Such a simple thing this is, yet so fulfilling it has become.

Self-Reflection

Self-reflection is a tool used to clarify and find honesty within ourselves. It is a way to throw the lies we tell ourselves out and face the truth, however painful it will be. It is incumbent upon a person to admit his errors, to embrace them and then move along in a positive direction.