Transitions

I didn’t grow up in a home where the children were treated differently. If I was stacking wood or piling brush, my sister was right there beside me. My mother worked and made just as much or more than my father, placing up a notch above middle class. Really, this discussion question is rather challenging for me. I did not have a normal childhood and that more than anything influenced my experiences. My journal is open; I’m locating brief excerpts that will convey my experiences from childhood to present day. The following represent a very long journey and have very little to do with my gender which will become apparent as you read.

Alcohol, Drugs, and Addiction

I was introduced to alcohol and drugs at an early age. My parents were so involved with each other and their addictions that there was very little time for me. When I was given the opportunity to participate, I eagerly accepted. The alcohol and drugs provided me with an opportunity to be included, to be talked to. Alcohol and drugs were used daily, casually. It wasn’t unusual for my mom to light a joint or my dad to pass me a beer on the way home from school. This may sound crazy, but; I cannot imagine my childhood being any different.

Growth

As a child, I went out of my way to express my feelings. I put so much of myself into other people and was constantly disappointed. I never received what I so desperately needed. At some point, during my teens, I stopped expressing myself. I had learned that my feelings didn’t matter to other people; I couldn’t trust another person with my feelings. I became indifferent and watched the world pass me by. I was an observer, detached, and eventually people started to assume that I didn’t care.

Ambition

Where does duty end and personal ambition begin? Is ambition wrong? Is the quest for power and control over others wrong? Haven't you said to yourself, there's something great I'm supposed to do; my life will be different from the lives of others? Shouldn't my dreams be as real as anyone else's? I wasn't content to sit and watch the world pass by. I wanted to shape it, control it, and mold it. I had plans and ambitions and knew I'd achieve them, whatever the cost.

Power is all I wanted, the power to control others. I saw power as something to satisfy my desires, instead of a tool used to protect my family. It was a stupid attitude and eventually it got the best of me. But until it did, I was dangerous. I was capable of almost anything. My desire had no limits and became obsessions. I was racing through life creating, changing, destroying, and always to the extreme.

What I’ve learned

The men who came and went during my childhood have left something behind. I’ve been a bully and an ass. I’ve emotionally abused my loved ones. I’m capable of slipping back into the destructive lifestyle I witnessed growing up. As much as I don’t like talking about Mike, I’ve learned a great deal from him. He taught me about ambition and success; do whatever it takes to reach your goal. Most importantly, he taught me about sacrifice. The man who was absent as I was growing up still left his mark.

Experiences

Some experiences change you forever but this is only true if you have determined it is true. The terrible event, whatever it is, is over and done with. I can cling to it, but if I do, I’m doomed. I’ll set it aside and shape my future the way I’d like it to be. It’s a fact, all men and women experience failure. It's a terrible fact that nobody gains wisdom until they've tasted failure. Knowing this, given a choice, most people would choose ignorance. Yet, ironically I am a better person for having failed, and; I have all that wisdom to take with me.

Parole/Changed man

I spent many years using drugs, alcohol, and sex to blunt my involvement with life. I now realize that personal, spiritual, and moral growth is stunted by alcohol, drugs, and other addictions. So all the years I spent in the grip of addiction kept me from developing my character. And now I have to remember; I am just beginning to enter a life of change and growth. I can’t be too hard on myself if it doesn’t happen overnight. I will need time and the help of my family and friends to grow into the man I want to be. And if I am not sure who that man is, I just have to ask myself: what would a man, who loves and respects himself, do in this situation? I’ll act like that man even if I’m not sure he is me.

I have made a moral inventory and shared it. I can never go back to the life I had before. I am a changed man.

Parole to Present

Life since walking out of prison in 2010 has largely been unwritten… Here are the highlights: I am graduating in a couple of months; I was remarried two years ago; I see my children on a regular basis and have them over summer vacation, and; this may will mark 8 years of sobriety. My life is wonderful!