John Smith

In my old email account, he is called John Smith. I remember the day I got the first email. I was sitting in my computer class at my high school, reading my emails when I saw a new email pop up. The sender was someone I did not have in my contacts. At the time, I was eighteen years old. I was naive and young at the time. I did not know I would start down a complex road the second I clicked on the email.

First Contact

Let's make up a story together.

I was a casual writer when I was a senior in high school. It became clear to me that this person who was emailing me had to know me somewhat. I only had a few friends at the time, but I did talk about being a writer in the future. It was the thing I most wanted in the world. The conversations started with story writing. As I am grimacing over the emails right now, I am noticing what story we were writing together. It was a love story. It was a story about two strangers who meet and slowly fall in love.

I am in disgust. This person was someone that knew me. I secretly hoped it was the guy was I crushing on, but he never showed any sign that it was him sending the emails. His mannerisms did not change as the emails kept coming.

My suspicions

The story emails did not last long. Soon, I was on the questioning who this person could be, but I did not stop the emails. I felt trapped and I had keep making conversation. I just did not respond to them as quickly and my answers got shorter over time.

It all started with one email. I remember the day I got this too. It was a night and I was on my laptop. I go to check my email when I see:

Just bored.

They describe that they just sitting around, thinking about me.

I really hope it doesn't bother you that i do this. I just really like talking to you. I'm sorry if you don't like it so much.

I like to talk to people too. I’m a people person if I like who I’m talking to. Before this email, this person entered my young mind and made me think I could trust them. There was never a moment when I felt wrong by chatting with a stranger.

They even attached a YouTube video saying this unrelated, but I can clearly remember the video was a music video to love song. That was when I got very uncomfortable about the whole situation. This was the turning point when I started to become distant.

My Stalker?

Maybe if we talk some more…

I started to not check my email as much. I even avoided the John Smith emails all together until I got the urge to just see what they sent me. I even would feel guilt for avoiding this person for so long and eventually send a reply. This person feeds off my words, wanting to know more about me. I would explain what I was doing in school, graduation, and what I was doing afterward.

At the time, I did not know what I was doing. My mind could not wrap around the fact that I was being stalked over the internet. Dictionary.com defines a stalker as a person who pursues game, prey, or a person stealthily. I was the prey while being told kind and friendly words by a stranger. I gave little information, but that was plenty. They knew where was going after high school and that caused the incident.

Late One Night…

I was newly graduated out of high school and in a college dorm for the first time. I started the term in the summertime, so there was not much time for me to adjust to the changes. I started to get lonely over time. I was not making friends and I was homesick.

That was when I got this email:

I'm not a stalker. If i ever wanted to see you I'd ask first. That is a promise.

I did not believe this person. I had my guess this person was closer to me then I thought. They talked about being on the same campus as me and what classes they were taking. I told them about where I was staying and what I was doing. I was lonely and homesick. It was a relief to have a “friend” at the time who knew what I was going through.

Late one night, I saw someone I knew from my old friend group sitting outside my dorm. This person had a laptop with them. I freaked out and said that I could see them. After that, we sat outside on the stairs of the dorm, just talking. This person was my best friend at the time partner. This person was always around my best friend. I was never alone with this person before this night. That’s when I started to notice something about this whole situation. A few days before, I took pictures of my dorm room, really excited about my posters and decorations. One of the pictures is the view outside my window. I posted everything online.

The thing is, I was not friends on Facebook with this person. How did they know my dorm and why were they hanging outside on a Friday night with a laptop? It was all coming clear that I was not safe. Grateful that the dorm doors would lock behind me, I got up from the cemented stairs of the dorm and said I need to sleep. I said an awkward goodbye and walked inside. The door locked behind me as quickly went back to my dorm room. I would sit at my desk for the rest of the night, staring out the window. I was watching to see if this person was still there.

Feeling Guilty

I felt so bad for going behind my friend’s back and hanging with their partner. Plus, I was convinced I was just with my stalker. My head was in jumbles, but I did not talk to anyone about it. I wanted to explain to my friend, so I sent a message explaining what happened. It took all my courage to ring them up, to try and explain everything. I begged for them to come over so we can just talk. That was the last time I spoke to my high school friend. My friend was becoming distant before the incident anyway, so it really hurt me when I would reach out, but my friend was already gone. I never got the chance to explain anything.

I am guessing something was said or done because the emails became fewer over time. That was when I knew who it was and that scared me. I would think about all the times we would hang out. It still gives me chills knowing this person would even attempt anything toward me.

Happy Late Birthday!

The emails would still be sent to my account, but I would delete some, answers some it in short, choppy sentences, or avoid them altogether. I know that this person knows I figured out their identity. One email by John Smith even teased me on the idea of me knowing they are.

I kept the emails though like I was trying to see if I was wrong. I was upset that I was tricked by this person. I was angry that my old friend left me with letting me explain. It makes me feel sick to think there was someone watching, dreaming of something that was never going to happen.

On Friday, April 11, 2014, I got a belated birthday email from John Smith. Most emails from John Smith came on a holiday, so I was surprised I was getting an email the day after my 20th birthday. John Smith confessed to me in this email but says:

I also know that there is no chance that you'd be interested in me, for multiple reasons.

I know this person's reasons. I know where they are in their life right now. It amazes me that they could do something like this me and to their partner without repercussions. It is like this person is still linked to me, an invisible chain. I am writing this story, knowing I need to let go of John Smith and the ghost he planted in my head.

Conclusion

Everyone has done something in their life at is regrettable. The regret just sits there, tucked away in the deep cavern. There is no light there, but a fog so thick that is hard to see your hand in front of you. If I only knew what I was enabling when I opened that first email. I do not think I can forgive John Smith, but I will not forget.

John Smith taught me that you cannot trust everyone. You need to be careful when you are on the internet. Some people believe, just because it’s not face-to-face, the person they are talking to will not get hurt. It’s an innocent game of corruption. It starts festering the hearts and minds of the people affected. John Smith is now a scar on my mind, a reminder that the world is not innocent. There are many John Smith out there.