Jealousy

Jealousy

Since I escaped the cult I have been staying with an amazing family. They are the same age as my parents but have helped me start to set up my life outside of the constraints I have lived under for so long. They have one son of their own who is just a few months younger than I am who comes to visit about once a month or so. He is an amazing man and his wife even more so. They also have the most precocious daughter who is two. They were here this last week for the Halloween celebrations (going trick-or-treating at Nonnie and Granddaddies house as well as the aunts and great grandparents who live next door.) It was wonderful and they made the week special when otherwise it would have been spent at home watching horrible political news. We went to boo at the zoo, made dinner, and then a few days later they returned to where they live, letting us know that they would see us again at Thanksgiving.

When they left, I realized I was horribly jealous. Not so that anyone other than myself would notice because I am a master at hiding what I am feeling. I have perfected the mask after years of living in the community. Yet I was. I am. I am jealous because I want something akin to what they have. A marriage, a family that loves and supports them, people who would go out of their way to make a week special for a child who likely will not remember the things that she did, but will remember how much she is loved. I was jealous of all the things I will likely never have, have never had, but realize that I most desperately want in those quiet moments.

I know I am not in a healthy place to be able to start dating. I need to be in a bit better of a mind-frame, but I wonder if that is necessary. I cannot think of anyone in the world who has not or is not working through something. We live in a world that is constantly in flux. We are shifting through the many things that life throws our ways. Maybe it’s just finding someone that you can walk with on this journey. This mortal plane that we have little choice but to journey through knowing that we will not survive it in the end. Is my jealousy unfounded? Maybe. Maybe it is just another step in this healing process. A way to see what could be in my future. I will not hold tight to that dream. It may change and develop into something more or less. Who knows what the future will hold for me. I am holding fast that I have a future now. The things I am dealing with and enduring are just part of the process. They are normal and expected human emotions.

We do not have to validate our emotions or responses. We need to learn to name our emotions. Whether it is anger, jealousy, fear, hate, love, infatuation. Being able to name and understand our emotions is the first step in being able to express them safely. We need to be in a place that is safe to express our emotions, to be able to feel and heal.

Yes, I am jealous. I am jealous of what I may never have. Yet I am beyond happy as well. It is with this family I am able to see how healthy relationships and built and maintained. It is a joy to be able to see what my future could be and have a support network that allows for the healthy development of these relationships. It is here that I am truly learning what it means to be a family.