Ivory Lies

I once fell in love with a sociopath.

He told me the most beautiful ivory lies. Lies so stunning and fragile, like an intricate paper castle standing on a hill in the middle of a tornado. I believed every single one of them because they were breathtaking in their simplicity, just off-kilter enough to sound like truth (this is the trick to being a skillful liar, he would tell me later).

Rihanna - Take a Bow

We lived 3 hours apart. He in New York, I in Maryland. I met him online, through friends. And weeks later, we made a date to meet.

I woke up that morning with a sense of dread and wonder, unable to determine which should win. As I got closer to the city, my butterflies turned into hurricanes, wreaking havoc on my nerves.

Lizzo - Truth Hurts

My train was delayed, it was raining, and all the work I put into making myself pretty had been in vain. The curls in my hair were matted to my head, my suede shoes were soaked, and I was going to arrive after him, which would take away the ability to bolt in fear without him knowing.

The smells were overpowering. There’s nowhere else in the world that smells like New York City. Popcorn and hotdogs and the musky scent of sweaty, impatient bodies rubbing against each other wafted in the air. A melting pot of scents that, mixed together, smelled more like burnt pudding than anything. I loved it.

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

The hotel was beautiful. It had one of those revolving doors you always see in old movies. When I stepped into the lobby, I understood why New York was so glamorous. Everything inside gleamed, even the people, who dashed around in suits designed by fashion gurus whose names I didn't know or couldn’t pronounce.

The lobby itself was bigger than my whole apartment building. As I walked up the stairs, I felt the trickle of nervousness and uncertainty run down my spine. I knew he was there, I could feel him. He’d have the advantage of seeing me first.

Justin Bieber - Love Yourself

I was crazy about him from the moment our eyes met. The sexual tension between us was so thick it could have been sliced with a machete. On the ride up the elevator, I was nervous and dropped the hotel key several times. I could barely get the door open. He had to help me.

We were in there a few short moments before he approached me. He kissed me and I kissed him back and then I was lost. Before I knew what was happening, I was drunk on excitement and lying in bed with him. It was all swirling around me, the happiness, the pleasure, the adventure...the deceit.

We spent a whole weekend in a fairy tale that would make a Hallmark movie jealous.

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

He'd told me that I was THE ONE, that I'd made his life worth living. One night in a secluded movie theater, he asked me to marry him, with a small, silver ring with a pearl in the middle. It felt spontaneous and beautiful. We planned our future, our family, our forever. I went home that night feeling as if the cloud that had always hovered above me was lifting.

But then one night, I called his house when I arrived too early, a surprise to take him to Upstate New York to the caverns he'd loved as a boy. I wanted to show him beauty in elemental ways, tangible proof that our union was a miracle.

Aly & AJ - Potential Breakup Song

The phone rang and the mother of his OTHER kids, his FIRST kids, answered the phone. I didn't know she existed. I didn't know THEY existed. And all those white lies fluttered around me like dead moths that had gotten too close to the flame.

That final weekend, he gave two gifts, twins of different shades -- day and night, dark and light, him and her. They are the truest thing I've ever done.

Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

Later, I found out his firstborn son, the one who hadn't existed for me until that ill-timed phone call, had our future child's name, the one he'd said he hoped we had some day.

When our kids were born, I gave him one more chance. To do better and be better than my own parents, whose marriage was like a tennis match where they lobbed my brother and I back and forth between them. I didn't extend the olive branch for him. I did it for us. For them.

Britney Spears - Womanizer

He spent the bulk of our second go-round attempting to gaslight me, trying to justify his wandering genitals and utter untruths. I think he started to believe his own lies. It must have been addicting and pretty inside his head, since he ignored reality so often.

We spent a few years orbiting each other as I tried to keep him in our kids' lives. He sent money, off and on, until he stopped all together. His new girlfriend didn't like him having contact with me.

Cee Lo Green - Forget You

Every so often, he'd call me or message me, professing his sorrow at not having me in his life. At one point, I tried to be friends with him for their sake. But eventually they grew up and realized the greatest thing he could give us was his absence.

Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

The rest of his fabrication continued to unravel, stitch by stitch, lie by lie. And we lived. We moved on. We survived. Without him.

The funny thing is, he never told his family about our kids. He never told anyone. And for a long time, that didn't matter. But then I sent his mother a letter on Mother's Day. He threatened me when I told him I'd reached out to her. But I was no longer a doormat for his shit-covered shoes.

Beyoncé & Shakira - Beautiful Liar

A few weeks later, she contacted me. The kids met her. And for a short time, she was in their lives as their Abuela. But she made too many excuses for him, and so I chose my kids and she chose hers.

Eventually, I even became friends with his baby mama. In our story, I think we won, because we knew that he wasn't worth our energy and hatred. We didn't tear each others' crowns down. We fixed them. Because we knew. He was just a beautiful liar that we both were blinded by.

Adele - Send My Love (To Your New Lover)

I heard not too long ago that he got another girl pregnant, lied to her, and then forced her to give the baby up for adoption. And his family disowned him. Now he's marrying a new girl who doesn't know any of this. I feel bad for her.

Gabby Barret - I Hope

I have to say though, I'm grateful for all those pristine alabaster lies of his. So pretty and so wrong. Because without them, I wouldn't have created these two hearts, these two incredible beings made of my truth and strength and fortitude. Forged by love and divine grace.

Ariana Grande - Thank u, next

Without him as my mistake, I wouldn't have found my forever love. My real love. A TRUE love. The man who loves me on every single day of the year, in the most honest and soulful way. He is the music in my heart and the poetry of my soul. And he makes Valentine's Day obsolete and unnecessary.