It's okay for friends to be broken up

I've always longed for a best friend. I was not a fan because there weren't many people available to be my friend.

Because I was the quiet, "weird" kid, it wasn't easy to be liked by everyone. Because I changed schools each year like clockwork, I was always the "new kid". That led me to a few "friends" on the surface that were only acquaintances, but I realized that no one was better than anyone else because I didn't have any friends.

When I met my best friend at boarding school, it was an incredible moment. Before her, I only had one best friend in 4th grade. She ended up leaving me on the football field crying and breaking up with me. The reason was that I wasn't interesting enough. I was too good a girl. It's ironic!

That was my past. I longed for a friendship similar to the ones I saw growing up. That precious inseparability was what I desired. It was the kind that led to intimacy, where you could share everything with each other. The kind where we could communicate so well that it almost felt like we were psychic. The kind that we are kindred spirits with Anne of green gables or Diana.

We would share our most outrageous, elaborate dreams and endanger each other's sentences. This friendship was a kind of mutual respect. We were truly platonic soulmates.

It is rare to find such a person in one lifetime, so I hoped for it. My best friend Dawn and I were so happy to finally meet. While I was in Nigeria, we met at boarding school. I was an Enugu citizen, she was Enugu.

Although we came from so many different backgrounds, we shared a je se quoi type compatibility. We would laugh together so often and then we'd be left laughing with painful joy. We shared many unique ideas and were so similar. It was almost as if we were one person, but with different fonts.

Dawn was a woman I admire for her ability to be strong and courageous despite all the criticisms. You couldn't help feeling more empowered after spending time around her.

Talking about our future and dreams could go on for hours. To survive, we had to stand beside one another. Nigerian boarding schools were not for the faint of heart. They were extremely traumatizing and isolated. You had to be strong to survive. When I was feeling like giving up, she helped me to keep it all together.

After the semester was over, I returned to the USA. We didn't keep in touch, and we never said goodbye. My friend had died. I lost her number.

For 8th grade, I was moving to a new school and found myself back in the familiar world of being the new and most unfriended kid at school. When she reached out to me on WhatsApp, it was an unexpected sign that we had met.

We started to communicate more frequently and kept each other updated on our lives and what was going on in school. Talking with her was my favorite pastime. It became a part of my daily routine. It was a great way to get emotionally involved again, and it made me feel like our friendship could work again.

But there was something that bothered me about our friendship dynamics. I felt like I was putting more effort in to her than she was. It was true. I would call her first. I would text her first. I was tired of not having someone I loved match my energy and likes me back. It is exhausting and disappointing to realize that if you didn't reach out to them first, they probably wouldn't hear from you again.

It makes you feel beaten down and as though you don't deserve something so basic as consistency. I got tired of feeling like an ugly sweater in the back of my closet that was only pulled out when there was nothing. I wanted to be someone else's priority and not their last choice.

I sent her a final goodbye. Although I don't recall everything, I did write a formal goodbye. I also stated my reasons for ending our friendship. I also wished her well. Although it was difficult to let go something that felt so right for so many years, it was more difficult to keep the unrequited friendship I shared with her.

It was one of those moments when I felt like "I do love you but I love you more,". To preserve my fragile mental health, I had to end all one-sided friendships. It was liberating for me to realize that friendships can only last a season, and I shouldn't be afraid to let them go.

This chapter is over and a new one begins. Although our friendship was fleeting and had its faults, it helped me get through one of my most difficult times in my life. It was a good thing it ended. I am grateful it did.

Since then, I have stopped complacency in half-assed friendships and relationships. I was determined to uphold my standards for reciprocity and refused to compromise them. Even if it means I have to be alone, I prefer being alone than to settle for less friendship.