Breakthrough

Our marriage was not going well.

We rarely spoke except when it was about our pets. We never touched. We coexisted, and I felt like we were roommates, not husbands. He was content, even though I wanted more. The distance between us just continued to grow.

It was so overwhelming that I didn't know if we would ever be able to find our way back together. It was amazing to see the photos of us as we were and wonder where they went.

We agreed to do our best to make it right.

The routine was established. He would work during the day while I would go to treatment or write. After he finished, he would feed the animals then go to bed and read a chapter from our marriage book. We agreed to open and honest communication.

We'd both feel hungry after a few hours. Some nights made us angry. Some nights left us angry. Others made us feel hopeful. It has been a rollercoaster ride. However, the chapter ended. He would make me dinner and bring it up to me. Then we would eat in separate rooms. He was with Stirling, and I with Rosie. He in his office, and me in my bedroom. He'd arrive to take Rosie's plate and take it outside when it was time for Rosie to go on her night walk. He would bring her back, bid me goodnight, and then take her to his office.

Last night, however, there was a shift. We were talking more and reading less. We were asking important questions that weren’t answered in a book written by a shrink we have never met. We discussed how it felt to him when my eyes were misaligned. He can become irritable and prone to bursting into tears if I get angry. We talked about how I feel disrespected when my temper and tendency to explode can cause him to shut down. I know what I mean in this area. We talked about how we could communicate with him without being condescending. It was amazing to me that he saw things in this way.

It's my field. It's mine, and I respect him for it. I want both of us to be able to help our animals.

Understanding built.

Trust began to return.

We talked tonight, but we didn't pick the book up. We ordered dinner delivery together and watched TV together. Then suddenly, we stopped watching television.

It didn't happen as I expected (which is the best thing for the IT I'm referring to) and I am in great pain right now. But it was worth it. SO worth it.

After staying up late and watching a show that we both enjoy but haven’t been watching since our separate living rooms, he took his dogs for a walk and then went to bed in the office.

Although it's not as if everything suddenly got better, he reached out to me and kissed me goodnight. I didn't want to leave. I kissed him again. I told him that I loved him as well. These are words I haven't used in months. It's not something I want to say if I don't feel it fully. Things have been just... too tumultuous with us. It was difficult to express my love for him throughout the whole time. Tonight... I did it. It was amazing to feel those words leaving my body.

We still have much work ahead of us and he's not allowed to sleep in here. His flailing and sleep like an epileptic gorilla has caused me pain on several occasions. Although he isn't trying to sleep, he does. However, having my entire bed has allowed me to wake up in less pain.

Tomorrow will not be like tonight, but it's possible. It was worth it.

Because I am on Doxycycline, my birth control is basically ineffective. However, we always have a backup because neither one of us wants to have children. Sometimes pills can be forgotten and antibiotics can make them ineffective. Although we should have been more cautious with my injured neck, I am a bit of a kinky bitch so he knows what I like. My doctor might not consider it worthwhile but I sure did!

You know what? I often talk about my feelings about cheating. Adultery is wrong. In my opinion, there are no other ways. True connection is the best thing. Sometimes, it takes a physical representation to prove that true connection is still possible after being disconnected so much. It takes work... but it is not lost.

We are honest with one another. He also knows that I won't play mind games with men I don't like to get his attention. It doesn't mean anything to him.

He knows I text my ex whenever I feel him pulling away. That is dangerous and something I shouldn't be playing. Because he is the one I am attracted to.

Although I'm in pain, I don't regret that tonight happened. The couple featured in the above photo is still us. Only now is the time to improve our communication.

For the first time in a very long time, I do not just hope we get there. We will, I know that.

Despite all that, I still love him. I'm not content to be happy and sometimes a marriage can fall into a lull. This happened to us both early on, but it is important to remember the hardships our marriage went through right from the beginning.

My heart-dog died after we were married only a short time. Since then, I've never been the same. We were then evicted and moved to a new apartment. They wanted to renovate the place and offer a lower rent price. The pandemic struck and I was left alone. EVER. Our ceiling fell THREE TIMES in the new apartment. Another of our chinchillas was killed. We had to move seven animals 1,300 miles and buy a house. My job was then completely unstable. After that, I was injured. One of our cats then died. The dog lost its owner and was then bitten by a tick. This gave me the disease. This is a lot for a couple to go through in their lifetime.

This is not the end of what we have been through. We survived it all... together.

Yes, we were disconnected.

Yes, anger and resentment grew and grew without being dealt with.

We are still together. All of it has been a success. We survived sometimes by the skins of our teeth, but we did it.

I don't believe there is anything we can't do together. It's up to us to do the hard work.

To survive, we became complacent and lazy. We are able to get out of survival mode and get back to thriving.

Tonight I am sure to sleep well. We are on the road back to one another and although sex isn’t a cure, it certainly reminded me how connected we really ARE and have always been, despite all the damage.

Sometimes he drives me crazy, but I love him.