How can happy couples handle conflict?

Conflicts are inevitable in every couple. A healthy relationship does not require that there be no conflict or differences, but rather that conflict is managed well.

Conflicts are part of every relationship. According to Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW a psychotherapist who specializes on couples therapy, the most common conflicts are over money, sex, and children.

One spouse may be a saver while the other might be a spender. One partner wants more sex while the other does not. One partner believes their child should have an early curfew or other restrictions. The other partner is more relaxed.

A healthy relationship does not require that there be no conflict or differences, but rather that conflict is managed well. This is how happy couples achieve it.

Conflict resolution for healthy couples

When they are in conflict, some partners shut down and avoid talking about it. Healthy couples are "ready and willing to talk about what is going on".

Conflict is an opportunity for healthy couples

Bush stated that they see conflict as an opportunity to learn from each other and clarify their values.

"Conflict doesn't become a disconnect, or a power struggle, but an opportunity for both of you to create something new." He said that it becomes an opportunity to have an open conversation.

Healthy Couples Share Their Perspectives

Healthy couples understand that their partners have valid points of view and are able to agree with each other. Healthy couples realize there are legitimate differences, and they know that they can't live with each other's brains.

Couples that are healthy consider how they can contribute to conflict

Healthy partners "own their business" and are open to seeing how they can help the problem.

Healthy Couples Fight Fairly

They don't curse, insult, or hit below their belts, unlike unhealthy couples. They "don't bring up every problem that has ever occurred".

They are more interested in the partner's perspective and stick to the question at-hand.

Healthy Couples Listen

They are attentive to each other. They aren't quick to interrupt, or make snide remarks such as "That's not true" and "Where did that stupid idea come from?" They are more open to the point of view of their partner.

Healthy couples hug one another

Healthy couples often feel supported, heard and understood after an argument. You can offer your partner an apology or simply say "I love you." We are all in the same boat."

Six tips to manage conflict

Bush and Hendrix shared many tips on how to navigate conflict effectively.

Schedule a time to discuss

Hendrix stated that "when you have a problem, ask your partner if you could talk about it." Hendrix called this "making a date" because not asking your partner can cause anxiety and lead to defensive reactions. It might be enough to say "Is this the right time?"

Talk about yourself

Hendrix recommended using "I" statements such as "I think", "I feel", "I hope", and "I want", Hendrix said. He said that if your partner hears "you", such as "you did this" and "why didn’t you do that?" it can activate the defensive.

You pretend to be your partner

As if you were looking into your partner's eyes. Imagine that you are looking through your partner's eyes. A woman pretends she is her husband and says, "I am Mike and that's what I see him as." Then, your partner can reply by clarifying or accepting what he feels.

Respond to the conflict right away

Hendrix stated that "anything that hurts or leaves unattended grows larger." This is why it is important to repair any damage immediately in the event of a failure.

Be specific with what you want

Hendrix stated, "Ask for the things you want in just one or two sentences and be positive." You give your spouse the opportunity to respond by being precise, direct, and concrete.

Instead of saying "I wish that you were always on-time," you could say "Next time we go to a movie or dinner, I'd love if you can't attend it. Please call me at least 15 minutes before and let me know. "

Thank you

Bush stated that while conflict is inevitable, it should not be the backdrop music of your relationship. It's important to show appreciation to your partner. You could say, "Thanks" for listening to you or "Thanks for sharing it with me."

A conflict is a sign that your "relationship" has been somehow disrespected. This gives couples an opportunity to find the problem and fix it.