Is Jealousy Between Brothers Dangerous or Is It Just Healthy Competition?

It is good, as a mother or father, to learn to distinguish between jealousy between siblings or just healthy competition, which stimulates children! Any relationship between siblings - especially between two boys or two girls - also involves some rivalry: but it is important how seriously the children take it and how much the gain matters to them, to the detriment of cooperation.

Unfortunately, in some families, there is envy and jealousy between siblings, and the competition is unhealthy, even aggressive - in this case, it can not be a harmonious and stimulating relationship, but an inhibitory one. This usually happens when one of the children feels disadvantaged and ignored to the detriment of the other - which, he believes, the parents prefer.

When wondering if it is a matter of jealousy or just competition, you need to keep in mind that when there are two or more children, it is inevitable that they will compare with each other - and when that comparison disadvantages one of them, vague resentments may occur, but also intense emotions. The reality is that almost always one will be smarter, another more attractive, another more resourceful, another more sympathetic s.a.m.d. It is largely up to your parents to know how to reduce the negative emotions that give rise to a risky rivalry.

How to tell if it's about jealousy between brothers or just healthy competition:

Jealousy. This negative emotion manifests itself in children when he fears that he is losing something precious (usually it is parental love and attention) to the detriment of someone else.

Therefore, jealousy arises from the fear that the sibling may be preferred by the parents. But jealousy is intertwined with envy, which arises from the opinion that the brother/sister has what he does not have, that they receive more (whether it is attention or material things).

When a child feels (although this is not the reality) that the sibling is preferred by the parents, that he/she has more affection, appreciation, attention, jealousy is inevitable. The signs of jealousy between brothers would be:

Passive aggression - refusal to help the sibling in any way. If the child refuses to help in any circumstances - school, homework, homework - sibling, this is an obvious sign of rejection.

Refusal to spend time with brother/sister, to play together. When you notice that one of the children prefers to lock himself in his room, avoids his brother/sister, does not want to stay in the same room for a long time, is not communicative - it is a sign of jealousy.

And when it is played, however, if you see that the game quickly turns into a competition, into a dishonest contest, in which the child does everything to win, after which he mocks the brother who lost, it is no longer a question. simple competition.

It is normal for siblings to make fun of each other, but when this mockery becomes extremely mean and hurts the other child, it comes from acute resentment. It matters who is the best and the child wants at all costs to show that he is better than his brother/sister.

Self-closing. When one of the children seems more closed in on himself, isolates himself, does not want to spend time with his family - for example, does not want to be with you and his brother/sister in the evening, does not want to go for a walk - this reaction can be caused by jealousy and envy (in case it is not a typical reaction at puberty).

I refuse to share. When one child is jealous and jealous of his / her sibling, he/she will want as much as possible, he/she will want to have more than the other. He will not share his toys under any circumstances, making it clear that only he is allowed to touch them. He will be nervous and upset when his brother/sister receives a gift, a toy and he does not (even if it is his birthday and not his).

Attracting attention. A jealous child will try to get your attention in different ways. Either he will become needier, more capricious, or he will adopt aggressive behaviors: he will ruin things, he will scream, he will throw objects. If you only punish him when he sees such behaviors without trying to find out why he does what he does, resentment increases.

Assaults. Intense jealousy will lead to physical aggression: the jealous child will throw objects at his brother/sister, hit him, bite him, pull his hair, etc. Occasional fights between siblings are not uncommon: but when you notice that they are common, that they are always started only by one of the dominant children, this is a signal to intervene and talk immediately with your child. Talk to the other child in particular: these fights can take place in your absence and the affected child may be afraid to tell you what happened.

Normal competition between brothers. On the other hand, in those families in which the parents took care to treat their children with the same attention, appreciation, affection, in which the atmosphere is harmonious, stable, and calm (and there are no conflicts between parents), between siblings. it only shows a competition that is healthy and helps them to develop. Signs that this is not about jealousy between brothers, but only about normal competition:

They help and support each other. Of course, they laugh at each other, they still make fun of each other, but you notice that when one needs help, he can call on his brother/sister. If you ask them to work together and they can cooperate without throwing objects at each other, that's fine! The clearest sign is when children make a common front: for example, when you scold one of them harshly, you notice that the other is trying to defend him.

He's having fun. The children play together without each game counting who wins. If they know how to share their toys, there are no major conflicts about it, no one is upset when only the other receives a gift, it is a harmonious relationship.

They argue, but they don't get upset with each other for too long. It is only natural for two brothers or two sisters to quarrel! But if you see that it is easy to reconcile, even without your intervention, everything is fine. The competition between brothers will always exist, but if the relationship is warm, it has beneficial effects.

They compete, but they don't take it very far. Of course, "who gets higher grades", "who has more chocolate", "who runs faster", etc. will compete, but if they don't cheat just to win and don't enjoy wickedly then victory, everything is fine. When important is play, fun and not who always wins, then we are talking about a normal competition, which stimulates them to want to be better.

Watch, as parents, the interactions between the children, and you will realize if it is about jealousy between siblings or just normal competition. Here are some essential tips to avoid jealousy and encourage healthy competition:

Don't compare them. Never make comparisons that disfavor one of them. When you praise one, don't forget to say something appreciative about the other.

Careful. Don't give too much attention and affection to just one of the children and spend time with both of them equally.

Gifts. Don't just pamper one of the children and when you give a gift to one, make sure you have something for the other (apart from birthdays). When buying toys, make sure there are no major differences in value: you get a bicycle for one and chocolate for the other!