Humans logo

Invisible Chronic Illnesses

What not to say to someone who has one.

By Rebecca GannonPublished 7 years ago 4 min read
Like

So a friend or family member has an invisible chronic illness and all you seem to do is upset them? It feels like you're constantly walking on eggshells and you can't do anything right. Well here's some things you probably shouldn't say if you want to improve that relationship:

"Just go on disability."

Please, like anybody WANTS to be on disability benefits. You know how boring and isolating it is sitting at home all day with nobody to talk to and nothing to do? If we can manage some sort of work, let us at least try. For some of us, it might be best, but it can also be really hard to get disability benefits. I have an invisible chronic illness and many with my condition never manage to be believed.

"You always cancel, so what's the point in inviting you?"

We are tired. Really tired. If we've canceled, it's probably because we are exhausted and hurting. We're trying and if we cancel we have a good reason. We also have good days when we can do things and we would love to see all our friends and family. Please don't give up on our good days. And if we can't turn up, just the thought of being invited can really make our day. It's isolating being bed/house bound.

"It can't have been that bad because you didn't go to the hospital."

We spend what feels like our life in the hospital. If we can avoid it by fixing something ourselves you're damn right we aren't going. I dislocate my joints all the time and if I went to the hospital every time, I'd be there every week. It's time-consuming and annoying and if I can sort it out myself I'll do that. We already have multiple specialists and follow-up appointments, we try not to add extra ones into the mix. And yes, it can still hurt even though we didn't go to the hospital.

"Why don't you go back to that hobby you used to love?"

This is a huge one for me. I used to dance all the time and now it would never be possible for me to get through a whole class. It feels horrible, I loved it and I didn't choose to stop. Even if it seems like we could manage it in your opinion, if we loved it that much and we're not doing it, there is a legitimate reason.

"So what if you're working tomorrow, it won't be a late one."

As I said before, we get tired easily. Every full day of work leaves me in a great deal of pain. Four or five hours of messing about with your friends may seem small to you but, to us, that's like 10 hours. Our bodies are working twice as hard to function so the next day we are going to feel terrible. Sometimes, we are prepared to sacrifice that next day but if there's something important like work, I'm sorry but we just can't do it. It's nothing personal and we would love to see you.

"You're always bringing us down."

I'm sorry, if you can't handle the fact we might be sad that our body and/or mind is failing us, then don't call yourself a friend. We get that it can be a lot to deal with and we all understand that but if we've actually told you how we're feeling, then we thought we could trust you. At work and functions we put on a brave face but it's so nice to be honest with someone, especially a friend and this feels like you're throwing it back in our face. I promise we won't be sad every day but sometimes we just need to vent. If you're not that person, the chances are this friendship won't last long as a chronic illness is not going away and is likely to not get much better.

"I've never seen you ill. I was starting to think you were lying."

Oh, that hurts. My illness is completely invisible and very unpredictable. I shouldn't have to dislocate a joint to be believed. We've already worked so hard to get the doctors to take us seriously, for family to understand what we're going through and for employers to understand what it entails. We don't want to have to convince you too. If you think we enjoy being bed bound, not being able to work or see our friends or get somewhere easily then sure, we're lying.

"You're so lazy."

Okay, yes, it is possible to have a chronic illness and be lazy. But if you are saying they're lazy because they say they're too dizzy to cook dinner or they're too tired to tidy up then it's their illness talking and pushing them could lead to major pain or an injury. They will do it when they're feeling up to it. Maybe you could help them out. They could fold the clothes and you could put them away. Or get them a tall stool and they could chop the food and you cook it. There are ways around it; you just have to be patient.

These are just a few things that have been said to me personally and so, from experience, I would suggest maybe not saying these things. Be patient, and loving, and welcoming, and all should be well. Remember, they are your friend first and foremost and you should treat others how you would want to be treated. Even if you can't see their pain, they might still need your help.

advicefamilyfriendshiphow to
Like

About the Creator

Rebecca Gannon

Strong little lady with a chronic illness and a big heart

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.