Insanity at its best

Love is a funny thing. We spend so much time searching for love we miss it when it is right in front of us. We believe if those we love don't love us back that no one else will either, we forget the golden rule of first loving ourselves. We get upset when someone takes our love for granted and yet we take it for granted ourselves when we believe it will always be there for us and then mistreat it with cruel words and hurtful actions. If a man cheats on a woman does that mean every man will cheat? So why then do we subject those who have not done us wrong to negative treatment out of fear that they will do the same thing? I see so many give up on love because of one person's treatment of them and yet turn away from those who truly do love and care for them like they mean nothing. Hurt people will always hurt other people without even realizing it. I use to be one of those hurt people until I stepped back and took a second look then I realized those I thought cared where only using me and those who I thought didn't care enough were protecting me from their pain by keeping distance from me while I went through my pain so I wasn't dealing with theirs and mine at the same time.

How difficult is it to be nice? How hard can it be to be respectful to others? Is it so hard to not stoop to the levels others set before themselves? I mean if you're unhappy then why not change what makes you unhappy? I will never understand an adult who complains about a life they have the power to change with simple life choices that will lead them to happiness. As an adult I know that I can't take personal how others feel about me because if I did my energy would be all negative and dark. If a person is toxic I know I can place distance between us with a few simple words and some good old fashioned truth. It's not so hard to be a good person who builds others up instead of tearing them down but it seems to be hard to let those negative things go and be nice to those who have hurt us because like fire spreads in a dry wood so does negative energy spread through good hearts. We must be stronger than the emotions we carry or we will be dragged down into the waters of our darkest depths. Why is this so hard for people to understand? How can we heal someone who has ignored and forgotten the deep wounds that fester beneath the surface of their very souls? How do we heal the wounds we ourselves carry and ignore because it seems easier than facing the pain of the past? We must find peace within ourselves in order to bring peace to our world. This is the simple truth and yet so many ignore it.

I find it hard to believe that people are so blind that they can not see the toxicity they carry and spread like a disease. So many believe there is nothing wrong with them and yet they all carry pain and grief in their eyes like a coat of armor that doesn't protect them from the pain but keeps the pain tightly bound to the heart and soul of the one who wears it. While wearing the pain like a badge of honor they spread the pain and grief to others who just happen to get caught in their destructive path. Darkening the lights in so many all because of the hurt they can't seem to heal from. It is never enough for us just to be ok with life, no we must be perfect for an imperfect society as well.

These are the thoughts that I think about and even though I can answer the questions about myself I can't for the life of me understand the hidden answers of others. I can only assume why so many act the way they do. The pain so many hold on to and hide from the world can outweigh the world itself if you ask me. I can always see the pain behind the eyes I look into, it isn't so hard to see when you can see the same pain in your own eyes every time you look in the mirror. I feel like that says a lot about who I am and yet no one really sees me as I tend to see myself. Pretty sure the same could be said by most people these days and yet most say nothing, why? I fear not the judgement of others I only fear how I judge myself. It is in my own judgement that my flaws come to light and even though I know what my flaws are, most I refuse to change or get rid of.

I fight every day to be seen in a world filled to the brim with blind people. I scream just wanting to be heard and yet every word falls on deaf ears. How do I get people to see me or at the very least hear me? There is no rest for the mind of the one who sees the future and can do nothing to change it. Lost among the souls of those who are running from their pain and yet here I stand wallowing in my own pain. In the light of a new day everything remains the same and yet time passes by like the sun casting shadows on my window sill. What more is there in this world for me? How has time passed by me so quickly? Feeling as though I have lost my way and yet I don't even know where I am going. How can I be lost if I have no destination in mind?

My heart cries out while my soul is on fire. Pain seems my only friend upon this burning pyre. Darkness keeps me trapped inside my mind like a lioness locked in a cage. The Flames brush and scorch my skin like the fingertips of a lover. Time is a distant memory fading into space like a flaming star streaking across the night skies. Lost and confused I search for life's meaning in the smallest of spaces hoping to find something I can touch. The doors are locked and through the dirty window pane the lights flicker and fade as darkness falls in place. I look for a way to escape this purgatory that I made but I can see no way out only hiding places. The walls are built of the memories and pain I hold on to so tight. Everyday the walls within my soul push toward the sky like a skyscraper in a big city just trying to be seen among the busy streets. Can peace be found among the stars or is peace forever beyond my reach?

Where has the time gone? How long have I been alone? Searching, never finding, seeing through blind eyes. What has happened to the peace I long to feel? Speaking without sound hearing without words. Is this the reality of my life? I have come thus far and yet I move no more. Where have my dreams gone? Sent away on the breeze they fly and land where they may. Planting dreams like seeds along the paths I walk, taking root yet never growing. Must I always live inside of my head? Lost among the memories I save, finding no solace in the emotions I brave. Where do I go from here when every step I make takes me further from myself and brings me closer to the end?