Independence

I’m on a journey to become more independent and self-sufficient. Now, I’m not completely dependent on anyone. I can take care of myself. I can cook, I can clean, I can work, I can function, budget and survive on my own. However, emotionally and mentally, I am not so great when I fly solo. That is until recently.

As a child, I pretty much had to fend for myself, and had to learn how to regulate and deal with my emotions. My mom wasn’t neglectful, in fact quite the opposite. She is an amazing mother, she was just at work a lot and I didn’t want to bother anybody with my problems. I never sought out help on how to handle things like sadness, grief, anxiety, and worry. I would try to journal, and that never really worked. Going outside helped, but it more just relaxed me. I never really knew how to work through things I was going through. I bottled up everything, and now in adulthood I have no idea how to regulate my emotions. I tend to feel things, get overwhelmed, and then try to numb whatever emotion I’m dealing with.

For almost all of my adult life, I have been in a relationship. I have had a few long-term relationships with little time in between. My high school boyfriend and I were too young to understand anything, and my last boyfriend and I were incredibly toxic for each other. I have never had anyone to really help me through things, help me learn how to regulate, or help me learn how to deal with my emotions. Then, I started dating my current boyfriend. He was so incredibly mature and independent in a way that inspired me. Honestly, before I met him, I thought I was very independent. I quickly realized I was very incorrect. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was, I had no idea what I was doing. Now, I have my therapist to really help me through things, but my boyfriend gave me a great starting point.

When I was younger I was the kind of person that would move my heavy ass furniture around my room at 11pm because I wanted to do it myself. I put my own bookshelves together, and if there was something I didn’t know how to do I would work until I figured it out. I’m not sure where that changed but now I am not that person. I tend to just freeze up if I don’t know how to fix something. If anything scares me, I am absolutely frozen. If I don’t know how to do something, I just don’t do it. I really want to go back to being the stubborn person that will figure that shit out and get it done. I know I can be that person.

As far as emotions go, as previously mentioned, I’ve always been a bit of a disaster. Especially when I got into adulthood. As soon as I was able to drink alcohol, I was overjoyed. Finally, an easily accessible way to numb myself whenever I felt overwhelmed! At first, I wouldn’t drink if I was sad or angry. Then, slowly, every time I was pissed from work, I would drink. If I was pissed off at my boyfriend, I would really drink. Then my ex-boyfriend decided that we shouldn’t drink alcohol without consulting me or caring about what I thought, so I would really drink in secret. I’ve never really known how to handle my emotions without alcohol. I figured if I numbed it, it was done. I didn’t have to think about it, didn’t have to worry about it, didn’t have to feel it. It was the best. That, however, has led to an issue where if I start drinking, it is very difficult for me to stop. I go overboard and black out because I am not in touch with myself at all.

Fast forward to today, and I have decided that I’m changing how I handle things. I started therapy right before the start of the new year, and I am really thriving right now while I work on who I am as an individual while my boyfriend is in Japan. I’m learning that I don’t need alcohol to survive (duh I did it for 21 years), and I don’t need someone else in the house to make me feel happy and secure. I can do that for myself. I don’t need to have someone near me all the time to help me with my emotions. I can do that for myself. Yes, I have work to do. Yes, I am still a scared, lonely, child. But guess what? I am working on it. I am becoming a woman that I can be really truly proud of. Someone that can function all on her own without breaking down. I can do all of the things I set my mind to.

I’m starting to learn that I don’t have to push all of my emotions down. I don’t have to drink them away, I don’t have to smoke them away, I don’t have to sleep them away. I can just sit with them, validate them, and move on. I can learn new things. I can put up artwork on my own. I can reorganize, I can build, I can do anything I need to, on my own. Yes, help is great when needed, but I am an independent woman. I can do it.