Im sorry

“So, what are you guys planning on doing?” My brother asked as he drove, making his way to my friend’s house.

“Eh you know just girl stuff.” I answered. Me and brother had always been close but not close enough for me to tell him who I was honestly going to spend the night with. I’m glad he didn’t ask anymore questions since I know he could get pretty protective. I loved him for it but sometimes the best way to learn is to make the mistakes yourself. Another ten minutes went by with the music blasting and finally we had arrived. Luckily, no one greeted me at the front door, and I waited for my brother to drive away. I waved goodbye and then he turned around to make his way back home. Yes, we were both still living at home and I was in grade 12 about to graduate. I still couldn’t legally drink but I had my G2 which meant I could drive the car alone by myself. Although my brother had to work tonight which meant he had dibs on the car we shared.

Taking a deep breath trying to calm down the crazy butterflies in my stomach, I turned around and knocked on the door. I waited a couple of anxious minutes until the man that had been stuck on my mind for the past year opened the door.

“Hi” I said shyly as he opened the door. The tall man in front of me smiled and let me in. The brown hair had grown so long in front of his green eyes as he flipped it to the side.

“Hey” He finally answered. This was the first time that we were hanging out alone but together. We had spent hours every night video chatting and playing games together. We had so much in common, but I always felt like his situation was worst than mine. Depression, insomnia, paranoia, and maybe more. We would stay up keeping each other company during our sleepless nights. We shared so much in the past year and I felt like we had grown very close. When he had invited me to spend the night at his place because his entire family would be out of town, a part of me wanted to say no. But the bigger part of me wanted to finally spend some one-on-one time with the gorgeous man I had grown so fond of.

“So, what do you want to do?” He asked, giving me the opportunity to chose what I wanted to do.

“Well let’s go play some games!” I answered playfully. He led me up to his bedroom where he had his little gaming set up. Computer in the corner and the wooden bed in the middle of the room was bare with no blankets. Shows you how much he used it. A window on the right let the sunlight in during the day.

“well, I didn’t bring my whole computer because that would have been way too much. But I did bring my laptop. That way I can play just stupid easy games on it.”

“Sweet, did you want a bowl?” With the depression so heavy, there was one way to forget it. That being alcohol and weed.

“Ya sure.” I answered. We were both really open with each other, aware of the other’s issues. We knew we both had many issues we both wanted to escape from. We made our way out back and he packed me a bowl to hit. I took the first hit, and then he went after me. We sat back in silenced and enjoyed the view. I was so fucking nervous but luckily the marijuana helped me to calm down and not care about anything. Normally my nerves and anxiety would be on high alert by being next to a gorgeous, cute guy, but my anxiety tamed itself as I got high. We sat there for a while, just being lost in our own heads and the feeling of the drug. Being high is like a wave; its hits you more and then brings you back down and then your are high ocne again.

“Alright, you ready to go play some games?” I finally asked, coming back to my sense a little bit.

“Yup” he answered looking over at me with red eyes from the drug. We made our way back up to his room and got to gaming. I was happy I wasn’t playing anything intense because I could not function very well while I was under the influence. I played a stupid anime game online where all you had to do was click one button. He hopped on his computer and started playing some intense games. Time escaped us as we got lost in our own little worlds. We were more open with each other over the webcam, but now that we were in person, we were both too dam nervous and shy to even look each other’s way. It was so hard. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I was frozen with fear and nervousness. Around supper time we finally opened the bottle of alcohol. We had made our way into the kitchen and he prepared us shots of whiskey. With weed, you’d forget about where you were and what you were thinking. But with the alcohol, the fear, anxiety and embarrassment all left. The drunker you got, the less you cared and the more you wanted to act from instinct. After the shot we mixed ourselves some drink to bring back upstairs to keep our buzz going.

From that moment on, all I remember are flashes of memories as if I’m missing pieces to an important puzzle. What I do remember is the important conversation he had with me at the park, when he opened up and talked to me about how much his parent’s separation had bothered him. I remember how he talked to me about how much he hated himself. It was so hard to believe because I saw him as beautiful; inside and out. But I could relate because I felt the same way about myself. I hated who I was and we somehow saw the beauty the other couldn’t see. I remember walking to the park in the middle of the night. I don’t remember what we talked about but I know he had a cigarette while I sat on the bench. I also remember when we finally got home and how the alcohol and weed had my head spinning with haze and lust.

I don’t remember who kissed first and to be honest with you, I don’t even remember everything about our first kiss, as much as I wish I could. I know it was one of those moment’s where everything slows down and you become hyper aware of every movement, smell, touch and feeling. From there we were lost in each other. Our walls had finally been taken down and we fell into it. We were consumed by need and attraction and we gave ourselves to each other. I remember straddling him and being consumed by his arms and kisses. There were no awkward moments, just us trusting our drunk instincts. We made out of the floor and somehow ended up on the bed. We shed our clothes and made drunk love to each other. I don’t remember much of that at all but I wish I could.

The last thing I remember after that is opening my eyes to the morning sky, lighting up the room. I was facing away from him. I was again frozen with fear and disgust with myself. I was scared I looked a mess, since I wanted to be perfect for the man laying next to me. After 20 minutes of laying there unsure of what to do, I finally got up and made my way to the bathroom. Luckily my makeup had stayed intact from the previous night. I brushed my teeth and cleaned myself up a bit. From there the energy had shifted again, back to its high anxiety and awkwardness. If I could go back, I’d turn around and snuggle into him. I’m sure laying in his arms would have felt like home, but I couldn’t let myself have the satisfaction. I don’t remember anything else about that morning.

Then I remember the message he had sent me on my way home. Asking me to be his girlfriend. I was so scared, excited, nervous and confused. I hated who I was, and didn’t feel like I could be there for someone else when I couldn’t be there for myself. I wanted to so bad, but I was afraid. Afraid of what a relationship meant and what it meant when you involve yourself like that with another person. I wasn’t ready and unfortunately; I missed my chance. He got the hint after that and we grew apart. He dropped out of high school and I almost didn’t pass. I moved away, trying to put that life behind me with only memories to haunt me. Haunt me of who I could have had and who I could have had built a life with.

Its funny because I honestly don’t remember much of the entire day. Not much was said, but so much was shared and experienced emotionally and spiritually. I had formed a really strong bond without even realizing it and it would haunt me for the rest of my life. I wanted to experience more but I knew I couldn’t even take care of myself. How could I bring someone else into my life. Every day I ask myself if what we experienced was love, lust, or companionship. I still can’t figure out why I can’t get him out of my head. I’ve tried and I’ve tried but he is the only one I can’t seem the leave in my past. I wonder if he’s as caught up in this as I am. Does he think about me and wonder where I am at? I know I broke his heart, but does he hate me or resent me? Does he wish I never had come into his life? I wish I could explain to him the way he made me feel. I wish I could tell him why and that it wasn’t him. I wish I could tell him that my depression was to heavy for me to even drag myself out. The worst is feeling like I will never be able to explain yourself and give him closure. But maybe I’m the one that needs closure. The past should remain the past, but a part of me longs to know what it would have felt like sober. How things would have went down if we hadn’t been high or drunk. If we both didn’t depression or insomnia. I might have been what brought us together, but it is also what drove us apart.

Im sorry, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am but I can’t.