IF YOU SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING

By now we have all heard about, or read about what happened to Gabby Petito. Gabby was 22 years old when her parents reported her missing. What unfolded after that was the videotape of the police officers pulling over her white van while she was sitting in the passengers seat.

Whenever a domestic dispute takes place it’s natural for the police to separate people not only to keep the officers safe, but to be able to keep whoever this is happening to safe. What we weren’t aware of until later was that these officers were told by the dispatcher who took the call that it was Brian who had physically hit Gabby. Instead what we witnessed was them threatening to arrest Gabby. This is not how you help someone who is in an abusive situation.

In 2021 we still do not have people who are in positions of authority properly trained on what domestic violence actually is. Domestic abuse is not only physical or sexual abuse. The abuse is also mental, verbal, emotional, and it is financial abuse too. In America we need to find a way to change the narrative on what people think that they know, but until we can get that training for law enforcement, staff, as well as judges things are not going to improve for the victims.

I don’t pretend to know what followed after these officers split up Gabby from her abuser, but we all know what the outcome is now, and this didn’t have to happen. This never should have happened. Most major police departments have domestic violence advocates. If this particular one didn’t then they should have been obligated to follow up with both of them. Perhaps if Brian knew he was being watched things might have gone differently, but my concern is with Gabby, the victims.

Victims are already dealing with so much. They fear for their safety yet they can only do so much, because they never know what might trigger their abusers to get angry next time. Police officers aren’t professionally licensed to help victims of domestic violence. This is why all police departments besides having domestic violence advocates need licensed counselors who are properly trained themselves in helping victims of domestic violence. These counselors should be going on domestic violence calls with the officers. Now obviously if it’s unsafe they’ll stay in the car until the officers can secure the situation. The counselors would be on the scene to help, and they would certainly do a much better job than those officers did for Gabby.

“1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases.” (THE NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - NCADV)

Yes men can be abused too. I know that many of you have read about what happened to Johnny Depp. Recently concerning his situation with domestic abuse it has been written that, “Johnny Depp's two-year-old defamation lawsuit against his ex-wife Amber Heard will not be dismissed, a Virginia judge ruled Tuesday, meaning the case is set to proceed to a trial next year.” I don’t presume to know anything about their situation, but this judge seems to think that there’s a reason that he deserves to be heard. Men are often afraid to speak up, because they’re taught as young boys to be tough, don’t show your emotions, but if you are being abused it wears you down. It breaks your spirit.

My own experience with abuse left me and my child without our dog after he was abused and killed. It was a way for our abuser to show us that he could do whatever he wanted to, and nobody could touch him. It turns out he was right, because years later I am still trying to get a judge to understand that his abuse is never going to stop unless you make him stop.

Even with our domestic violence situation dragging on, and on some people are suffering for 15 years. Every time she thinks she has gotten somewhere he just files a counter motion to whatever she has sent to the court. In the meantime victims suffer beyond just the neglect coming from the court, because they’re suffering financially too.

Yes like I said financial abuse is domestic violence, because it’s the abusers way of showing that they’re in control over you. That is what about is about. It’s one person controlling the other person whether it’s by using physical means, sexual abuse, verbal, emotional, mental, or financial control.

After my abuser killed our dog he drained every single bank account we had. Then he disconnected the house phone, and then our cell phones. A day after doing that he held the two of us against our will in a small room. There was no escape, because he stood blocking the only way out of the house for two hours. When we finally were able to escape I went out the door, and my child went upstairs. The hope was that he would stop, but instead he followed me onto the driveway. As he came at me with his fists clenched I walked backwards to the street. I turned around, and as fast as I could I went to the neighbor’s front door. I waited and waited, but nobody answered. My abuser must have been worried because he went back inside. I was only concerned with my child at that point. As I went back to the driveway she came outside. We quickly got in the car, and we drove to the police station. What other choice did we have, because if we had stayed there he might have hurt me, or even killed me, but I wasn’t going to wait around to see if that happened. What followed was something very similar to what happened to Gabby. Nobody at this particular police department helped us. Even though the officer met us by our car, after I used a lady’s phone to call him, he never filed a report. Then his videotape magically disappeared. What followed was our abuser abandoning his child, and moving to another even more expensive place by using what was half of my money. Then he stalked us for over a week. Yes I called the police, and kept track of his stalking, and yet again this same department never wrote any report about this.

Many people who are in abusive relationships aren’t thinking about what do I have to do to get help. Why would we? We aren’t law enforcement officers. We aren’t attorneys or judges. Plus we are dealing with serious trauma from the abuse. For most victims it’s constant abuse, as in it never stops. Yes they might back off for a day or two, but again abusers are not happy unless they’re in complete control. They will do whatever it takes to make certain that happens for them.

When I ended up filing for divorce I had spent months begging Legal Aid to help us. Meanwhile my abuser who had taken all of the money hired a lawyer who cost $6,000. Did the judge acknowledge his abuse? No he never did. Did the second judge acknowledge his abuse? No she never has, and I keep pushing for her to put something in writing other than all of the verbal testimony under oath from the first judge, as well as too many documents to prove his abusive behavior not only towards me, but also towards our child.

Anyone who has ever been in Family Court can understand what I am saying. Whether it’s abuse, or trying to keep your abuser away from your children. Think about it. If you knew that a person was abusing someone why would you as a judge intentionally put a child anywhere near that person? Yet the majority of judges believe that all parents have rights. What we victims believe, and very few of the good judges is that if you’re abusing their mother then you could very easily abuse your child. It’s simple just order supervised visitation.

I think about all of the victims who have gone through something similar to what we have. I wonder when, or if there’s ever going to be laws that actually protect the victims. If you are people who are in a position to create changes then you need to stop being neutral. You especially can no longer tolerate abuse. If your hands are tied, because you feel as if you have to follow the law then do better, help to change it, advocate for the victims.

The first judge did what he could to help us, but the minute he knew my abuser was never going to follow his court orders he did absolutely nothing. This is where the system greatly failed us. I have to believe that this happens to more victims than just us based on me talking to women who I lived with in the three different domestic violence shelters that we lived in. Like I said this still continues, because the new judge won’t enforce her court orders either. This leaves victims struggling even more than when their abusers first took complete control over everything that they once knew.

If you are a victim of abuse, or you know someone who is you must say something. We can no longer be silent because we think it’s not our business. What’s going to happen if that person gets seriously injured, or even worse killed? We lost our dog. While most people won’t understand he was family. This has devastated both of us, and now because of statute of limitations there’s no chance of doing anything about this. It is heartbreaking, because of the court who continues to drag things on we cannot even get justice for the horrific things that happened to our dog.

If you need help please get it. If you think someone else is in danger call 9-1-1. You can ask to remain anonymous, and you might be saving someone. If you see something say something. Do not be that person that walks across the street to get away from it, or shuts their window, or turns up the volume on their television. Do better.

If you are in immediate danger call 9-1-1. For anonymous help 24/7 call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).