If You're Going To Dump Someone, Blindside Them

He dumped me. 

Right then and there. Paralysed with shock. One minute we were together, the next minute we weren't.

My first boyfriend was an ass like that. He dumped on our two-year anniversary. I seriously thought we were about to celebrate the day, our love, and how far we had come together. 

Instead, he blindsided me from nowhere and dumped me. 

Heartbroken.

When I tell the story of my ex breaking up with me, I don't usually lead with the blindsiding part. You would think I would; it seemed a pretty terrible thing to do. 

But whilst I was heartbroken, I didn't care about how he did it. I cared about the fact we were over. The fact he cheated on me. The fact he had rejected me.

Hands up if you're about to blindside your partner with the breakup. And you're secretly petrified.

You're fixated on the break-up itself. You're worried about how it's going to go, who's going to cry. And, most importantly, how you're going to drop the bomb you're out.

You want it to be perfect, right?

Stop worrying about that. Go in there, blindside your partner and get out of the relationship. Here's why.

Forget the not-so-perfect breakup

If you're going to break up with someone, society says you have to do it "perfectly". It's what you have to do if you want to avoid being an asshole, a bitch or whatever label you want to put on it.

Here's the first problem you have in any breakup. There is no perfect way. And trust me, I've tried to define it myself, without much luck.

Sure, there are ways you can execute your feelings without added embarrassment and pain. Avoid public breakups, for example.

But whether you plant the seed weeks, months in advance or you skip all the hints, you're going to get it wrong. Someone, everyone will take issue with how you did it.

I've been there. The receiving end. The delivering end. You can't please everyone. 

So you could say, don't try.

Blindsiding doesn't give the other person time to prepare

And yes, this is a good thing. Giving someone time to prepare is one of those face-value nice things to do. When you're on the other end of it, it's not always so nice.

"We have to have a talk", an ex said to me. 

Oh shit. The talk. 

For the next twenty-four hours, until we were in the same room again, I stewed over that comment. 

What did it mean? 

What was his intention?

Is this a breakup or something else?

The preparation didn't help me. It turned me into a nervous wreck. It forced me to overthink everything. It also turned the volume up on my emotions. I was ready to get upset.

I'm not the rule here. Others will say they want a warning, beg for one in fact.

The issue with that is people think they want something until they get it. That's when they realise what they wanted isn't actually what they wanted at all.

Again, you can't please everyone.

Blindsiding is like ripping off the band-aid

Who wants to drag out breakups? I think we can all name someone in their life who had a breakup that broke record books for how long it took to be over.

Endless conversations. Arguments. The temporary getting back together before the spectacular ending. 

It's exhausting for the people going through it. And it's exhausting for the onlookers and support system who only have so much patience for the situation.

Blindsiding is the opposite of those long-winded breakups. If you're someone who can't stand this, blinding is your best way out.

I've also never seen a blindsiding that hasn't been direct and to the point. In fact, the more clinical the breakup, it has seemed easier for everyone to accept the situation. 

It is what it is. This is the decision. Everyone moves on.

It's cold, sure. But what part of breakups isn't cold?!

Blindsiding won't increase anyone's heartache

I'm sure many of you will argue with me on this, but the way you break up doesn't always make the moving-on process any better. 

Or, in this case, any worse.

I've watched divorces drag out for years. Not the legal parts, that you expect to drag out. I mean the toing and froing between the two people to work out whether this is what they want. Or not. 

The divorce still sucked. 

In one situation I saw, the way it dragged out made it worse for the wife, in particular. She felt like she couldn't move on. At that point, she would have done anything for her ex to have blindsided her.

Hindsight is always 20–20 though.

Breakups suck. 

They are kind of like death. Sure, there are worse ways to go, as we socially put it. But it doesn't change the outcome. You've broken up. The relationship has ended.

The breakup itself is the starting of grief, but it's not why you grieve. Many people get the two confused; myself included in the past. Focusing on the breakup often helps you forget what's to come next. The really hard stuff. 

Moving on. Being single again. Dealing with unresolved feelings for them. Splitting your life apart.

That's why people make such a big deal of the act of breaking up; it's because of the confusion. 

We think how they've broken up is why we're upset. But deep down, that was the first logistics of moving on.

It's not really blindsiding, anyway

People think they've been blindsided. 

I swear my first boyfriend I mentioned earlier blindsided me. I thought he was this heartless guy who woke up that day, on our anniversary and decided he couldn't do it anymore. And with one action, he destroyed our relationship.

In truth, our relationship was screwed for a long time before that. Four months before the break up he suggested we went on a break.

Three months before the breakup, when I said I wasn't happy with the break anymore, he said he wasn't happy to be exclusive again.

Two months before the breakup, he wouldn't tell any of our mutual friends we were back together again.

The writing was on the wall. And I was foolish not to see it, acknowledge it or do anything about it. If I could turn back time, I would have given him his break and moved on.

Everyone knows when their relationship is crumbling. We're not idiots. But when blindsiding happens, we pretend like we have no idea. 

It makes it easier to hate our ex. 

It makes it easier to be the victim. 

It makes it easier for the fact we saw it coming and did nothing, too.

Blindsiding isn't as bad as it's hailed to be

There could always be worse ways of breaking up with someone. Not that it's a competition, but you could end the relationship in a far worse fashion if you had to.

I would rank the following as worse than blindsiding:

• Ghosting - I mean, breaking up without breaking up? That's pretty bad and completely cowardly. At least blindsiding involved being mature and having the conversation, even if it was a surprise. 
• Cheating - Breaking trust has to be worse than shock breakups. Cheating has this weird way of feeling more calculated and like we've set out to do more hurt. Which in part, it is. I would take a spontaneous breakup over a cheating partner any day.
• Having someone else do it for you - Do I even need to go there? As if blindsiding beats having a friend do the breaking up for someone. Gees.
• Impersonal breakups - Text messages, emails, a phone call. If the person blindsides you but has the decency to say it to your face, at least you have closure. That's more than what many get.

Again, it's not a competition.

But we're talking about breaking hearts here. Everyone tries to spare everyone's feelings in the breakup process. 

As you may have gathered by now, feelings get hurt regardless of what you say or do. 

For all your perfection, it could all end in disaster.

Everyone is a loser in the breakup game. And if someone is trying to talk you out of blindsiding someone because it's the wrong thing to do, you're going to be the bigger loser.

Is that what you want to be?

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