Ice Breaker

Uncomfortable silence.

Avoiding eye contact.

Fidgeting with silverware. Male takes a bite of tough steak. Looks up at Female.

Female conjures the best smile she can.

A passing waiter, “Everything alright with you two?”

Startled Male and Female, in unison, “Yes, thank you.

More silence.

More avoiding eye contact.

Female swirls merlot in glass.

Male, who knows nothing about wine, begins swirling wine around glass in response.

Female looks at Male's glass - she can tell he knows nothing about wine.

Male clears his throat.

Female looks up.

Male speaks, “Ok… Listen, this isn’t working out.”

Female looks confused.

Male continues, “I mean, I can tell that neither of us feel this, right? It’s just not for us, I don’t think. I hope that doesn’t seem harsh, but, I think it’s best of me to just come right out and say it. I can tell that you’re uncomfortable and I have to admit, so am I. It’s like we’re just trying to figure out what the other thinks and do our best to make ourselves seem pleasing to the other. I’m almost completely sure that this is how you feel.”

Male pauses, looking up to female only briefly, then continues, “I hope I’m right, because I want you to know that I’m not really trying to be insensitive here, actually the opposite. If you’re really as uncomfortable as you seem, then hopefully you’ll see this as me doing you a favor. And uh, I feel like, especially since this is how I feel about the way this date is going, that if I were to just sit here and let this go on all night, that you may get the wrong impression and things could be much worse than if I just went ahead and put it all out in the open.”

Female looks down at her plate.

Male responds to look on female’s face, “I’m sorry, I hope that wasn’t too harsh or insensitive or anything. I really don’t mean to be a jerk.”

Silence.

Avoiding eye contact.

Female replies, “You know… I knew this wouldn’t go well. I’ve been on a blind date before and it went terrible. I’m not very good at this stuff. Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. Maybe that was too blunt.”

More silence.

More wine swirling.

Female looks up at Male, “Well… Since we’ve pretty much established that this date is a flop… Do you think you could tell me what went wrong? Maybe, help me figure out what I did wrong?”

“Oh, it’s not really just you, I’m sure. I mean half the night I’ve felt like I’ve been a total stooge.”

“Well, actually, there were a few things I thought you could’ve been better about.”

“Really? What?”

“Well, first of all, I think you’re overdressed. I do like the navy sport coat and the matching pants, but this is not really that kind of restaurant. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like this place, but it’s more of a… slightly casual place. When I saw you all decked out in the suit, I kinda felt my sun dress was a bit inferior. Also, the whole night you’ve addressed me really formally. Like, you keep doing this weird thing where you open your hand out and point me to go everywhere first. It’s like you’re some general or something, commanding me to charge in.”

“Well, since we’re on formal, I’m not sure you realize it, but you’ve had the feminine formal thing down the whole night. When we first met up, you put your hand out to me facing down, like you were the queen or something. I didn’t know whether to shake it or kiss it.”

“Really? It must’ve been a panic move in response to your outfit.”

“Yeah, and you’ve had ridiculously perfect posture, without flaw. It’s even intimidating. You keep as straight as a board, even when you’re sitting down. It kind of gives off the impression that you have an enormous stick up your butt.”

“I thought that was impressive on a first date. I was actually making myself do that. I wanted to seem strong and capable.”

“Oh, on that. You’ve definitely given me that impression. You’ve kept the conversation on your great social and collegiate accomplishments.”

“Collegial.”

“My point exactly. I was aware of your intelligence really early on. You didn’t have to keep reminding me.”

Female stirs a fork through a full plate of spaghetti, “I can’t help it. I’ve been nervous the whole night. I thought you would be more impressed with me if I concentrated on my strengths.”

“It’s not a job interview. We could’ve just talked about what you like.”

“Well, that would’ve been easier if you would have even remotely talked about anything you were interested in. I feel like I haven’t really learned anything about you.”

“Yeah, well, the things that I’m actually interested in don’t go well with first date conversation.”

“Well the date’s dead, right?”

Male laughs, “What would you have thought if I just randomly told you what level of Orc Mage I was?”

Female looks confused.

“I host Dungeons and Dragons meetings once a month at my apartment… I know it’s like the most cliché nerd thing you can do but I love it. I even have a limited edition, iron figurine of my character that I hand painted with about fifty different colors to match it to the exact representation of what I wanted him to be, all meticulously done under a giant magnifying glass that almost made me go blind from staring into for such long hours without blinking.”

Silence.

Avoiding eye contact.

Female speaks, “I like to shoot guns.”

Male looks up.

Female looks down, “I’m not… I’m not really violent or anything. I just like to shoot guns… Big guns.”

“What kind of big guns?”

“Semi-automatic rifles.”

Male looks scared.

Female boasts, “I have a Smith & Wesson 811033 M and P 15–22, the A1 style… It’s black.”

“Um… didn’t you say you were involved with the gun control group at the college?”

Female looks away, “Yes, I did. Really though, after you shoot one, you can really tell how dangerous they are.”

“But you still have a gun.”

“I have one assault rifle, I actually have eight guns.”

“Eight?!”

“Um… Yeah. I would never shoot at another human being; I just like to shoot guns. I go out in the woods, pretty far out, and I’m even careful about it, but I mark trees and practice switching between them. Just last week, I took my four wheeler out and-”

“You have a four wheeler?”

Female looks embarrassed, “Yeah. It got difficult having to walk all the way out in the woods, so, I got it. It has a back mount so I was able to haul some timber out and make a tree house. I got it pretty high, so there would be less of a chance of stray bullets, you know, aiming downward and all…”

Eye contact.

Female looks away. “See, that’s why I stick to the professional talk.”

Male takes a deep breath. “So... That car that I drove us here in…”

Female looks up.

Male continues, “It’s not mine, it’s my grandmother’s.”

“You don’t have a car?”

“Oh, no, I do have a car, it’s just… It’s an ice cream truck.”

“So, you’re an ice cream man?”

“No, I just drive an ice cream truck. I saw it on sale and I thought it was cool.”

“Hmm. Well, you know, a young man driving a Lincoln Town Car gives off a pretty weird impression itself.”

“Really? I thought Lincolns were considered nice.”

“They are, if you’re over eighty.”

Male looks contemplative.

Female consoles, “I usually take public transportation, unless I’m going somewhere that no one will know me, then I just take the dirt bike.”

“Dirt bike? Like bicycle?”

“Like motorcycle. More precisely, motorbike. It’s really fast.”

Long silence.

Avoiding eye contact.

Male looks up. “You know what? You’re pretty weird.”

Female gets defensive, “You’re weird.”

More silence.

Waiter appears, “Anything else? No? Very well, here’s your check. I’ll be right back to pick it up.”

Male pulls out star wars wallet and places visa card, covered in a graphic featuring Darth Vader holding a light saber, into the leather bill sleeve.

Female stares at Darth Vader graphic.

Male glances down at Darth Vader graphic.

Eye contact.

Female lifts glass and takes a sip of merlot. "It's good."

Male follows and also takes a sip of wine. "Oh, yes it is."

Continued eye contact.

Silence.

Male speaks, “Um, you got anything going on tomorrow night?”