I Wish I Could Feel Your Pain

My dearest friend,

This is going to be so hard for me to write, and part of me hopes you never find this piece. But after you shut me out for the fifth time, I can no longer hold it in. I'm writing because I know I would never win in a verbal discussion with you, for you see, to me it has always been a heart-to-heart conversation, but to you, it is an argument you need to win.

To start off, I have to say what I have been holding back for the last four years we've been friends: You suffocate me.

I'm tired of all those times you asked for my advice and did the complete opposite, only to come back a few months later telling me that someone told you the exact same thing I had and that person was wise.

I am drained from all of our conversations where you go the extra mile to convince me that I'm wrong and you are right and I have to go out of my way to prove myself to you, as if I'm not already enough.

I am worn out because your definition of being a friend is you being there for me and never letting me be bothered with your problems.

And the one thing about you that exhausts me the most?

That you have mental health issues and being a good friend means I have to tiptoe around you, never call you out on your sh*t and never talk about your health problems so you will not feel like you are left out.

Well, guess what my friend, the whole time we hang out, not once did I treat you like a mentally-ill patient or make you feel abnormal. Yet, oddly, you think I did. You assume I am of the normal and you are the outsider who is never understood and always has to blend in.

Do you understand how disappointed I was when you told me your ex-girlfriend was the only one who understood you completely, after I had spent days listening to your scattered thoughts without interrupting?

Do you know how many hours I had to wait for you at the cafe because you came late due to ineffective time management, which you claimed was rooted in your ADHD and I never complained?

Do you get how anxious I was every time we hung out, knowing all too well that you would try to test how good a friend I was should the chance reveal itself?

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. I meant what I said, if I had hated you, we would not have been friends for so many years.

I admire your resilience. I love your support and empathy. I adore you. I feel for you.

I want to feel for you.

I wish I could feel your pain, your struggles and what you are going through so you will no longer feel alone, insecure, less than, and suffocated.

But my dear friend, how could I, now that I have found out mental stability is a hoax and I am, too, suffering?

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I have a dream.

In my dream, human beings would be free from agony and suffering. No more wars. No more conflicts. No more hunger. No more stress and anxiety. No more pain.

It sounds too preachy, doesn't it? I just thought wishing that for all humanity is less selfish, because truly, I no longer want to feel pain, the intangible kind that can only be felt by the one who possesses it.

Ever since I figured that I might be suffering from anxiety and depression after multiple panic attacks in a short span of time, I have been living in hell. I hate that I cannot control my emotions. I hate that sometimes I feel so hollow inside. I hate feeling that I am floating indefinitely in space without any point d'appui.

Then I guessed, this must be what you have been feeling all this time, maybe even worse.

And I realized that this whole time I had had the definition of being a good friend wrong.

I should not walk on eggshells around you. I should not try to ignore the fact. I should not defer asking you to enlighten me on your issues.

I should have studied more about mental health problems. I should have gathered all the information I can get about your disease and tried to put myself in your shoes. I should have been open with you about how I have been feeling and maybe we could be each other's best supporters.

I believe it's Rumi who said:

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

If I want some changes from you, I indeed have to change myself first.

So I'm making a pledge to you.

From 2022 onward, I will be honest to myself, to you, and to everyone around me. I will try my best to be kinder and more empathetic to everyone, regardless of their mental state. I will educate myself on mental health problems. I will communicate with you better and clearer. I will share with you my concerns and issues.

Would you share yours?

Love,

Chau