I want to hate you, but I can't

I want to hate you.

There’s nothing worse than meeting someone you actually get along with. You know that person who is always on? The one who doesn’t miss a beat and always has a comeback. The one who seems to have it all together. They don’t take shit from anyone and they walk around like they own everything. In movies and books, we often love these characters because we wish we could be more like them. We are jealous of their confidence and love how little they care about what other people think. Except... when that person ends up being your boyfriend or girlfriend, wife, husband, or best friend, it turns out there’s something much better than knowing how to act: It’s knowing what not to say and do. Knowing when to laugh instead of trying too hard to make everyone laugh. And saying yes instead of trying too hard to not offend anyone else by disagreeing with them (even if sometimes you secretly want to). This isn’t a character flaw — it's character growth.

But I can't.

When it comes to boys and how girls feel about them, we're our own worst enemies. It's been scientifically proven that women are wired to constantly compare ourselves and compete with each other, says psychotherapist Rebecca Scritchfield, author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love. We carry a lot of self-doubt—we're our own saboteurs. She explains that part of us is comfortable being sad or resentful rather than happy or fulfilled. After all, everyone likes a good tragedy much more than a happy ending—particularly when it's your story.

I'm the cool girl.

The phrase "cool girl" was coined by Gillian Flynn in her novel Gone Girl. She describes a cool girl as someone who is confident and has lots of friends, while also completely lacking passion or any significant emotional ties to anyone. A cool girl doesn't stay home on Friday night or prefer wine over beer — she goes out with whoever she wants, whenever she wants and treats dating like a social game. When it comes to relationships and sex, a cool girl does whatever she needs to get what she wants when she wants it (see: Honey Badger Don't Care). And because of that, Flynn suggests that there are legions of guys out there who might consider themselves lucky if they somehow manage to find their way into bed with one.

I hate you.

And I'm not just saying that as a term of endearment or because it sounds cute. For real. Every day that we wake up together is another day where I fall more in love with you, and even though it hurts me every day, I'm pretty sure it's killing you too. It kills me when we fight, and that's why lately our fights have been a little different; we used to be able to argue about anything and just throw insults back and forth. Now there are only so many things that can come out of my mouth before my heart starts shattering into pieces on your floor. But no matter how much pain these arguments cause us, I know deep down they're necessary because every time we fall apart at each other's feet, something new gets built back up between us two. Something stronger than what was already there. It might break us apart now, but it'll keep us together later. Something to remind us that all of those nights spent crying were worth it and actually helped us grow instead of tearing us down.

I hate kissing you, and I'm the cool girl.

You’re far too good at it, and it’s starting to get a little weird. If we keep kissing like that, I’m going to lose my mind and fall in love with you. Please stop touching me so nicely and please don’t tell me things that aren’t true. My brain is making all these future plans with us together, and now I need to find a way out of them without hurting your feelings, because God knows how devastatingly gorgeous they are. You make me so nervous that sometimes there are nothing but shivers from my head down my back, and it's embarrassing when I realize what's happening because we're just talking about normal stuff that normal people talk about on dates.