I'm in Love With an Addict

It all started 8 years ago. I was working at a gas station in a small town one over from mine. I moved there from mine so that I could build the store back up on its feet again. My second morning there, in walked this guy. Dark hair, deep yet bright blue eyes, and a smile that could make anyone freeze in their tracks... Then melt where they stood. He got a pop and came up and said hello. In my mind I just KNEW I wanted him in my world. So I said hello back and rang him up. We made small talk like most cashiers and customers do, and then watched I him as he left. After that it was routine with us. He came in every morning. Got a drink and chatted a moment then left. A few months later I had the store in order and went back to my own. Completely sad that I would never see Blue Eyes again...

Little did I know how wrong I was.

I started to date this guy in my own town and one night went out to a bonfire with him at one of his buddies. Walking up to the fire I look across and who do I see?? That's right... Mr. Blue Eyes. We grinned and I leaned over and whispered to my then boyfriend "thats the Valero guy!" (Valero is the name of the store I worked at). Apparently when I saw him lean over he was whispering to his friend almost the same thing: "that's the Valero Girl!"

From then on I would go out there almost every night and so would he. Nights by the fire, listening to music, talking on the tailgate of his or another friend's truck. Living life and loving it. Blue Eyes and I became best friends. Spending a lot of time together. When I found out I was pregnant he was one of the first people I told.

Then one day there was an accident, a fire, and Blue Eyes had gotten burned horribly. We weren't sure how he would get through it... 25% of his body had third degree burns on it.

Months of hospital and doctor visits passed. Skin grafts and wound cleanings, He ended up addicted to pain pills. And those pills lead to worse. Slowly I watched my best friend slip away.

Then my boyfriend left me. And even though he was so high all the time, Blue Eyes never walked away from me. He stayed by my side. With the help of other friends and him, we made it through the first year of my daughter's life.

But he was still slipping. I watched him go from this stubborn, fun, caring, and kind man... to a jerk who didn't care who he hurt. As long as he could get high.

We would go back and forth over if he and I wanted one another. I knew I was in love with him. He knew he was in love with me. But he was scared and strung out. And I was sick of being lead on.

So I started dating someone else.

I ended up pregnant again. But like the first time... He walked away as well. And though he was messed up, Blue Eyes was there to pick up the broken pieces.

He was there every single time I needed someone.

But it wouldn't last long.

Years were flying by and I almost couldn't remember who I myself was anymore. I bent over backwards for him. I let him use me. And emotionally abuse me. I could never tell him no. And he knew that. So he used every bit of it to his advantage. He was so strung out some nights that he wouldn't know what way was up or down.

I would let him borrow my car under the impression he would be back in 10 min. It started off as just 10 min, then he would borrow it again and say 10 min and it was really 20, then 30. Once he was even gone for 8 hours and that was the day I no longer let him use it.

I know it was my own fault. I kept giving him my car. But I was so blinded by how I felt about him and he knew just how to sweet talk me that I let him hurt me over and over.

I had to let him go... Because he was going to drag me down with him if I wasn't careful.

He even moved to Colorado just to try and get clean at one point. It didn't work. He moved back home and ended up getting even worse. I didn't even know this man anymore. My Blue Eyed sweetheart was gone. Replaced by a strung out shell of a man. His life filled eyes were empty and sunken in. He was hateful. He was rude. He was mean. He knew what he was putting those who loved him through but didn't care. He needed his next fix.

Then he got in trouble with the law and went to jail. So I did my best to move on.

I dated a man off and on for 2 years. And though we started off great, I realized later I couldn't trust him. He had been talking to others all through our relationship. And I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't still with Blue Eyes. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't get him out of my brain. I hated him for making me love him this much. When the ex and I would split up the first time, I had contacted the mother of Blue Eyes and had her tell him to call me from the jail. He did and we talked almost every night we could after that. He got out and promised to stay clean. It lasted not even a week then he vanished.

And I just knew.

He got in some trouble again.

I finally turned my back on him. I walked away. Cutting all ties and communication with him this time. It was so very hard. I was the last friend to stick around and fight for him. And I finally walked.

After some time, he finally realized what he had done. I had been through hell and back with him. Yet I couldn't keep fighting for something that was dead. He realized what he lost.

After months of silence from me he texted. Apologizing for the first time ever. In all the years he and I had been friends... He had never apologized for a single ounce of pain and heartbreak he put me through. He told me he knew he was wrong. That he knows now what he wants. That it's no longer the high he wanted, but me. He asked me for one more chance. He told me he realized just how bad he had treated me.

So I took a leap of faith.

I've been in love with him in a way I have never been with another person ever. For 8 years I tried... 8 years I could never find a man who woke up my soul and ignited my mind the way he did. Long night drives to nowhere just talking about whatever came to mind. Endless phone calls and texts. This man is my soulmate, but he couldn't see it until now. He tore my heart to pieces over and over... Yet I always forgave him. Most would have just walked away... But not me... I knew the man I met that morning at Valero was there... Somewhere.

For the first time in 8 long years. He is mine and I am his.

I wake up every morning to a -Good Morning Beautiful- text. Something he has never done with me before.

He compliments me in ways only boyfriends can. He pictures a future with me and the kids. He wants to be there for us. To give them someone they can look up to and count on.

I realized that his accident screwed him up mentally. It wasn't just a physical thing.

He still worries about his scars... And I know it, even if he won’t tell me out loud. But he lets me touch them now. He lets me look at them and trace over them. They have become one of my favorite things about him because they show how he survived something that should have killed him. They are beautiful... HE is beautiful.

This will be a long process. Some days the hunger for the high is overwhelming for him. It's those days he is easily irritated. He is struggling. I know he is. I see it.

I see HIM.

I will never walk away again. I'm going to help him fight through this for the rest of our lives.

All it takes is patience. I will reassure him, every day if need be, that he is not fighting alone.

I love him.

I love an addict.